Finland 2017 - Knucklebone Oscar & the Shangri-La Rubies - Caveman

(Click here to witness the strangeness...)

So the UMK songs crept put this morning, and there's some very interesting songs on the list. Not very many good ones, mind, but that's not what we're here for, after all.

The one that grabbed out attention first though was this energetic little rock 'n' roll review. In the real world we'd be shaking our heads in dismay and peeping through our fingers in mild embarassment. But in this context it kinda works. Ugly little fella with a guitar, flanked by two buxom honeys, piledrives his way through a stampy slice of showbiz nonsense - if the live show for this doesn't knock your socks off this bloke deserves a punch!

There'll be more Finnish songs coming at you over the next couple of days, don't you worry!

Ukraine 2017 - Kohlya Buchak - I Am Sexy

(Click here for some awkward disco fun time…)

There's time in the whole Eurovision selection process that I look forward to with glee each year. It's that point in the process where performers who've got themselves into a wildcard round, or who have even just made the super long list, blag their way onto the local breakfast programmes to awkwardly display their wares. Our old mate Sasha Bognobov is an old hand at the game, while it seems in inescapable rite of passage in Estonia.

But now, it appears, that the concept had crossed the borders into Ukraine – and oh boy what a treat they've served us. After a slightly uncomfortable micro-interview the boy Buchak here launches into his flimsy discopop stomper, with a couple of winsome lasses who look like they've come straight from the gym behind them - all the while surrounded by the cosy pastels of the studio scenery.

It bounces along amiably-yet-unremarkably until two things happen. The first sees him break into some fractured English couplets in the chorus, one of which sounds as though he's calling my name (has he been told?), the other comes just a few seconds from the end, just when you're about to turn it off. We won't spoil the fun, but you'll be gnawing at your knuckle the moment it kicks in.

But do we think it's going to help win him votes in the Ukrainian wildcard round? I guess that all depends on who his parents are…

Ukraine 2017 - Aghiazma - Zombie Dogs

(Click here to see what you probably wouldn't have won...)

It just got pretty interesting in Ukraine. For a few weeks now there's been an open wildcard round, whereby you get to listen to a bunch of songs on a website and vote for your fave. All was going well, until the two songs leading the race were suddenly disqualified.

The official story has it that the management of the two acts had sullied the process by using bots to significantly up their votes. However, there are a few conspiracists kicking about who suggest that things aren't as simple as that. These people reckon that someone, for whatever reason, decided that these songs shouldn't be in with a shout of getting chosen for Eurovision, and arranged formthem to be binned from the list.

But whatever the truth, bith songs should consider the selves a bit hard done by. List leader Kuznetsov had a sweet slice of Chameleons-lite indie pop, while Aghiazma here is a far noisier confectionary. Alright, so the video looks like something Marilyn Manson would have rejected back in 1999 (no, seriously, it really is that dated), but the song's a crunchy goth metal stomper, with a singer I'd have loved to have seen stomping about on a real life national final stage.

So, dodgy move on behalf of the acts involved, or a slightly more corrupt manouevre on behalf of somebody else? You decide!

Switzerland 2017 - Männerchor Steili Kressä - Für Eine Frei Zugängliche ESC-Plattform Beim SRF

(Click here to join the dirty protest...)

One of the great joys of the Eurovision season was the official opening of hostilities from the glorious Swiss Drunken Men's Choir,  Männerchor Steili Kressä. So we were utterly crestfallen that this year we would be denied that pleasure by a change in system at Helvetica towers.

Not, however, as crestfallen as the lads themselves, who have produced a protest video to express their dark displeasure at being unable to show their people their shouty wares and suffer the first public rejection of the season.

In solidarity with the brothers, here's their protest in full...

United Kingdom 2017 - Jonno Standish - Deja Vu

(Click here to inhale a little more song-shaped horror gas...)

We have, it seems, become the new Switzerland. Every other day I'm getting sent a poorly made YouTube video of someone singing a lumpy pop song in front of some furniture - every one of them convinced that they, and only they, can reverse the trend and save us from yet more Eurovision shame.

As if things on this septic isle weren't bad enough already.

This latest iteration shows us a chubby lad in a suit playing pool and lustily belting out a number apparently destined for Bucks Fizz. How do I know that? The songwriter keeps telling us in a garish font throughout the video. This is how things are now, isn't it. Where did it all go so, so wrong...?

United Kingdom 2017 - Her Eyes Untied - This Love

(Click here if your iPad wants to see the glory...)

You see, this is why the UK doesn't do very well at Eurovision these days. And that's not to deride the clearly very sweet couple performing this very sweet song. It's well structured, doing all the right things in exactly the right places, and it's sung very well, by two people clearly in tune with the meaning of the song. On paper it's a decent song. But, you know, something about it's just not right.

It's steeped in a cosy, Gloria Hunniford, Sunday afternoon from the old days kind of world. One that still exists in the hearts of nans, cake makers and pigeon fanciers across the land, but also one that doesn't really exist in the wider world of showbusiness any more. But still, somehow, that's the kind of view that a great many people on this funny old islands of ours fall back to when they consider what a Eurovision song should be.

I really don't want to diss the song itself - or indeed the strangely titled duo who sing it. It's just plain nice, and that isn't always a bad thing. But just imagine if you were sitting down on a Saturday night in May to watch a high energy turbo-fuelled pop show. Would this really leap out at you, grab you by the throat and force you to vote for it? Or would it simply make you do a warm sigh of cuddly love, before you popped off to make a cuppa?

Bless 'em for trying, and all - and there will be far worse songs that get to national finals around the continent, after all - but really, we should be thinking of a much broader scope these days. I still want to give them a big old friendly hug, though.

United Kingdom 2017 - The UKR - Playstation Generation

(Click here if a good rock's not out of the question…)

Remember these boys? A couple of years back, the Surrey-based United Kingdom Of Rock hammered anyone who’d listen with their self-titled slab of pure old school English heavy metal. They got in their local papers, the Eurovision press, and on the desk of one Mr Guy Freeman (of this parish), who reckoned that Europe wasn’t ready for their Brit-centric list of classic rock references.

And now they’re back – and with a bang! This barnstorming pub rock pean to a youth distracted by technology features enough trade names to give a Eurovision fan forum basher an apoplectic fit of confused rage, and enough solid fuel riffs to have them reaching for their two page reference guide to guitars in Eurovision (Wig Wam? Not glam enough. Kabat? Not ugly enough. Lordi? Erm…?).

Of course it’s terrible, but terrible in that way we truly Brits enjoy. Carry On Up The Rock Club, with jackets sleeves rolled up and middle-aged men having the time of their lives. They’ve entered it in through the OGAE route, which means that it’ll be universally binned by the guitar-loathing glitterati, but that’s a shame. Because these boys, however awkward and old fashioned, would tear up that national final stage a treat. Surely there’s a slot for this kind of thing among the expected frocky ballads and mid tempo boy pop stompers?

And be warned, these boys never go down without a fight, so expect to see them crop up in publications big and small – from Wiwi Blogs to the Leatherhead Advertiser – across the next couple of months, gawd bless ’em and love ’em.

Russia 2017 - Oleg Lihachev – Vladimir Putin Very Good

(Click here to get on the watch lists of abundant state security agencies...)

When that foolishly brave Slovenian laddie performed his parody of Russia’s great leader at half time during the EMA final we expected the worst – but we never expected anything this bad! We were thinking more along the lines of troop movements and rapid rises of polonium in the drinking water, and not this clumpy stomper extolling the virtues of the Russian guvnor.

However, we’re still not clear whether this is a straight up love song to the bloke in charge, a subtle parody that’s so localised that it’s beyond our ken, or some strange slice of CIA-subsidised propaganda designed to make us point and laugh. Heck, we’re probably getting ourselves on the watch lists of at least a dozen shadowy security agencies just by writing this. In which case – we have no prejudice here at Eurovision Apocalypse. We love you all with equal fervour (honest!).

However, the one thing that makes us suspect that this is just some bedroom loon trying to make a name for himself (or indeed some regional public access TV show’s ill-advised comedy skit) is that the video is festooned with banners saying “Song claimed to participate in the contest ‘Eurovision 2017’”. This is the Russian version of all those blokes in bad pub bands from the home counties who write to their local papers telling them that they’re going to be next year’s entry just because they sent a back shed demo of a song called ‘We’re Bringing It Back To England’ to: “The Eurovision, BBC, London” isn’t it. Bless.

Switzerland 2017 - Sisters Of Duras - Us Biker Girls

(Click here for some prime cheese…)

This year's change in the Swiss selection process was supposed to halt these things. No longer were we to see endless strings of bedroom troubadours and witless pub bands parading their dubious wares across the internet, we were told. Boo! So thank heavens for the few bold acts who decided to advertise their wares via the medium of YouTube so that we could all share the fun. And boy, fun!

It's hard to know where to start with these girls. The plodding riff rock? The cheesiest of all Swiss cheese videos? The utterly bored look on the bass player's face? That drummer? THAT DRUMMER?!! Blend them all together and you've got a confection of the highest Dunning-Kruger quotient of the season so far. Oh yes, it's that much of a treat!

So press play, sit back and gawp at a rare treat in these new days of Swiss seriousness. That reminds me, I wonder what Männerchor Steili Kressä are up to…?

Ukraine 2017 - Nataliya Piliponyuk & Dzoan Sereso - Serenada Ykraini

(Click here for a folksy seranade to Ukraine...)

The Ukrainian wildcarders have been whittled down to the last 39, and as far as we can see, there's no sight of Alex Angel among them. What were they thinking?! But there are some other gems among them. After the themes of last year's winner, their local issues, and the frankly terrifying first heat of their national selection last time around, we were expecting a few songs that extolled the virtues of their home nation. And this folksy little warbler does that in buckets. Many buckets. Many buckets rough-hewn from rustic wood and carried by a lusty-yet-earthy maiden with flowers in her hair.

Oh yes, it's a song about the Ukrainian countryside (and a bit about the cities, too). Marvel at the blue skies, golden corn (and motorway bridges) in the video, as our wholesome lady guide sings us through the joys of her locale. It's a sweet song, but one that you suspect has serious undertones relating to their somewhat noisy neighbours. So we'll keep out of that particular fight.

One suspects that this won't be the last we'll hear of ilk from next year's hosts. This could be an interesting couple of months, to be sure...

Switzerland 2017 - Alex Angel - Angels

(Click here for yet more Ukrainian rawk...)

And the award for this year's most persistent Eurovisionist goes to... Alex Angel. Yes, not only does he have two songs in the Ukrainian process, plus one very slinky video in our very own British song selection pile (OGAE division), but he's found a back route into the supposedly closed Swiss process and entered in for that too! Good man!

And this time his style of video has changed too. Not for this song do we have cavorting young ladies in shiny kit, oh no. This time it's all about war! Yep, this clip looks like an advert for both NATO and a dodgy arms fair with all kinds of shooting and exploding going off everywhere. Quite how the famously peace-loving Swiss are going to take to that is anyone's guess.

But they might enjoy the song, though. It's a hard riffing rocker with high pitched vocals, somewhat reminiscent of the national metal band of the Cantons, dear old lovely Krokus! We're loving Alex's industry this year, and are collectively looking forward to finding out where he's going to deliver a song to next! And October is usually so boring in Eurovisionia!

Armenia 2017 - Alexander Plato - Monologue

(If you don't want to know what's happening on Saturday, look away now...)

After his initial performance proved so popular, delighting and bewildering Eurovisionia in equal measure, the lad Alexander Plato is scheduled to be performing on Depi Evratesil again this Saturday. And do you know what? We've got a sneak preview of the song hopes to be singing.

A regular reader of this pages noted that his previous effort would have been much better with a key change. Well this new piece has got them in bucketloads - sometimes shooting up the scales mid-word. Again, it gives us a wordy, opera-fuelled libretto, with occasional ventures onto the fringes of rock and prog, with difficult time signatures and soaring moments of some noisy beauty. Oh, and if the song's not to your taste, he takes his shirt off part way through. Something for everyone!

It's certainly not everybody's barrel of custard, and the judges will be ready for him this time, so we've got more than just our fingers crossed in the hope that he'll make it through to the next stage. But what a bold and interesting move this would be for Armenia to pick this chap. Do they have the nerve? Only time will tell!

Estonia 2017 - Six Feet Club - Unetu Tartu

(Click here for this year's first sniff of the moon language...)

It's always one of my favourite days in the Eurovision season when the first list of Estonian performers hits the web. And today's that day. As far as I can establish, this is just a rumour list up to now, but its mix of old stagers (Ines, Ott Lettland, Getter Jani) and completely new names makes it a pretty believable selection.

Up to now there is just the one suggested entry that has any kind of physical song connected to it - but what a doosie that song is! Six Feet Club here offer up a chuggy, insistent groove telling us all about the night time in their home town of Tartu. It's kind of like a more laid back Rammstein, blended in with a post-rave Hawkwind, and we like it very much! The very nature of the song means that it's highly unlikely to so much as break out of it's semi, but it's already a fixture on the Apocalypse iPod, and we've been playing it non-stop all afternoon.

And if this is a precursor to the other Estonian goodies on display this year, well we just can't wait!

***STOP PRESS***

Upon chatting to Runo, the singer of this fine mob of noisemakers, we discover that they haven't quite decided whether they're going to enter yet. But I've tried to convince them! So that list is either a secret wishlist from someone who works at ETV, a work of slightly accurate fiction, or a mystical document of future portent. If it's the latter, I'm getting its author to pick me out the winner of the 4.30 at Kempton Park next week.

Armenia 2017 - Alexander Plato - Illusion

(Click here for an entertainingly challenging couple of minutes...)

The Armenians, bless 'em, have totally changed their usual format, and this year opted for an open casting competition, Depi Evratesil. Only unlike most of these shows where a bunch of young aspirers stand nervously to a desk full of famous button-whackers, most of these can actually sing a bit. How terribly unfun!

That's why we were delighted when it got to Alexander Plato's bit. Every bit the image of the young Caucasian hipster, all bear and specs and man bun, it all started off OK, with him over-annunciating every syllable of a stagey, self-composed song, before he forgot the words and started to skat out all kinds of random sound particles with big boggly eyes.

What's that you say? It's supposed to sound like that? Really? Good man! To have the moxy to get up there on national telly and deliver this potential songmare to a panel of former ESC stars, then gain their universal approval is nothing but admirable. Admittedly, a few of them were visibly unsure if they were supposed to like it or not, but once them buttons started being whacked they all followed, as if some manner of strange brain disease was claiming them one by one. Excellent stuff!

We really can't wait to see what the boy Plato delivers us in the next round. Is he a one trick pony, or does he have something even more bamboozling in mind? The days can't roll by fast enough...

UK 2017 - Twisted Riö - Back To That

(Click here for a first look at our first applicant...)

So today the BBC announced that they were ploughing the same furrow as last year, and that they would be opening up the Song For Europe submission process for all and sundry. Well, to be reviewed and cast asunder to the OGAE hordes for a single place at the top table at least. All other songs will be coming in the back way as usual. But it's a start, and you can usually find a couple of early adopters instantly creeping out of the woodwork.

Usually, of course, they're the kind of bedroom composers beloved by their nans, their nephews, and precious few other folks who seriously believe that it is they, and only they, who can save Eurovision for the UK - and damn those funny foreigners! So when the first name came up within minutes of the opening of the first press release, by a nice chap called Twisted Riö, we must confess we had our fears.

But those fears were instantly allayed, because our lad here has delivered a smashing little melancholic song about lost youth and long summers. And while it may get lost in the crowd of smash bash disco showstoppers, formulaic Disney ballads and songs about leaving the EU, it really is worth at least one of your ears. Because it's something you don't often get in the UK process - a sweet song sung simply and well.

Good luck, erm, Twisted. It's going to be a long old journey, but we hope you at least catch the ear of the people upstairs!