Saturday 28 November 2015

Belarus 2016 - Levon Gziryan - Mania

Things that seemed like a good idea in planning part 682...

Oh Levon, Levon. Poor, poor Levon. At which point did you think, oh, you know what, this IS a good idea? Please, young man, next year, go with your gut instinct and punch your management if they come up with an idea this dumb again!

And how awkward do those girls look? Man alive!

Friday 27 November 2015

Belarus 2016 - Persona Non Grata - Vesna Dyadi Sama

Oh. My. Days.

I've been skirting around the fringes of low-quality showbiz for more than 30 years now, so it takes a lot to startle and bamboozle me.

Consider me startled and bamboozled. 

And don't leave it, even if it gets a bit boring in the middle. There are still wonders to behold the like of which you've never seen.

Oh. My. Days.

Belarus 2016 - U. G. Oslavia - Uvidet' Tebya Golym

Picture the scene. You've sent weeks sorting out a routine to wow the judges at the Belarussian pre-qualifying session. You're incredibly pleased with your efforts, and indeed yourselves, and that clearly shows on your faces as you begin to rhythmically jig about. 

However, the cameraman appears to fancy your lead singer a bit too much, so when you come to watch back the video when you get home you might just be a little disappointed, lads.

Stick with this, however knuckle-gnawingly usual it may be, because the last ten seconds are absolute gold dust!

Wednesday 25 November 2015

Belarus 2016 - Sweet Brains - Dance Like Zombies

Cast your mind back to around this time last year when a cheeky trio of the undead attempted to enter the theme tune from the phone-based game Plants Vs Zombies into at least three national finals. They nearly got away with it in their home nation of Belarus, too, until someone happened to point out both the age and commercial history of the song. Boo to the splitter, we say!

But now their back, with what to the best of my knowledge is an original song (although what's truly original these days anyway, eh?) - although you are all very welcome to set me right if it's not. They're still banging out the PvZ schtick - only this year with a more flowery Day Of The Dead sheen to their shiny masks, but sadly their song's not a patch on last year's borrowings.

Still, you have to admire their pluck, and I like to hope that they were playing the long-game last season, setting up a punt for a serious stab at pan-European glory this year. I wonder what the dear leader is going to think if THIS gets through? If you thought the voting took ages on a normal year in Minsk, this could get glacial!

Friday 20 November 2015

Estonia 2016 - Meisterjaan - Parmupillihullus

Another happy Apocalypse yardstick of any Eurovision season is when the Estonian songs start to leak out. The release of the names of the runners and riders always leads to a frantic scrabble around the search engines looking for clues (well, in this house at least), and we're rarely disappointed with the fare on offer.

Witness Meisterjaan here, self-proclaimed king of Estonian Jaw Harp Pop. Yes, you read right. Our boy here is the don of his nation's twangy little bit of metal scene, and boy does he weird it up here.

Sharp-eyed viewers will remember him as the man behind that unsettling gem Unemati, and the somewhat creepy Young Girl from a couple of years back, so he's something of a local cause celebre. But we still may not be seeing him in the Eesti Laul final, so enjoy this utterly and indescribably bonkers bit of, erm, I'm-not-quite-sure-how-to-describe-it, while you can. It's well in keeping with its nation's well-merited reputation for the strange and the left-handed.

Thursday 12 November 2015

Georgia 2015 (Junior Eurovision) - The Virus - Gabede

Junior Eurovision is nearly upon us, and while it offers the usual cast of talented pop poppets and waaaay to many colours, there's always the odd chunk of Apocalypse fodder to enjoy. And with that in mind, welcome to The Virus.

This, ahem, infectious little number may take well over a minute to get going, but it's worth the slightly unnerving beneath-the-bedsheets prelude to help you get into the spirit of the song. And yes, it's a stomper!

Witness the chunky young lad and his three female pals sneak out of the house after bed time and take residence in a musical instrument emphorium. And while we wouldn't ordinarily encourage minors to get involved in breaking and entering small businesses, in this case we'll let them off, as it's throughly, enjoyably bonkers! Do enjoy!

Wednesday 4 November 2015

Switzerland 2016 - Franck Renand - Cinderella Dance Tonight

So the Swiss have finally closed their doors to the bedroom composers of the planet, and have allowed us all to vote on the wonders they have unearthed (albeit in a somewhat overcomplicated system that'll turn all but the most dilligent mums and managers away by the fifth hurdle). But we couldn't leave them to it without giving you one last wonder.

The more eagle-eyed regulars among you may remember Frenchman Franck here. He was the slightly worrying geezer last season who spent much of his video sat at a piano while stripped to the waste with 'That's Enough!' inked across his chest in magic marker. Yeah him.

Well, he's upped him game. This year you can watch open-mouthed as he stalks his way around a posh hotel, bothering chambermaids, furtively filming violinists, and vicariously viewing other people having fun while appearing so facially disengaged that you'll be concerned he'll be turning upmon some local news programme somewhere after doing a very bad thing.

I'm sure Franck's a decent sort of chap in real life, but his videos make him look absolutely terrifying!  Right then, bring on Belarus and the Albanians!

Sunday 1 November 2015

Switzerland 2016 - Tommy King - Daddy's Sugar Girl

The comedy Swiss japes continue unabated. They may have finally closed submissions, but there's still plenty of unmined joys to drag out. Take Tommy here. He's one of Switzerland's most popular Elvis impersonators. Sadly though, on this outing he comes over more like a Butlins Shakin' Stevens trib. Prepare yourself for some fabulously literal visual interpretations of the lyric throughout superbly cringeworthy video - one suspects that the director has something of a hair fetish...