Saturday 4 September 2021

United Kingdom 2022 - Nil Point UK - The Porno Song

Happy New Eurovision Year, lads and ladies. And have we got a proper, erm, treat to kick off the season.

A month or so ago a mysterious entity on Twitter started telling everyone who'd listen that they had the only song that could possibly win the contest for the UK. Obviously regular competition watchers thought they knew better, so I thought I'd have a chat with them, back stage, like. And boy were confident of their future success.

I must confess, the initial portents were bad. Using some version of Nil Point in the act's name or song title is a Eurovision trope so old that I think my nan had a go at it in the 1920s, but they were convinced that, being a public subscription service, dear Auntie Beeb would be practically forced to select the song if the tune went viral - which they fully and righteously expected that it would.

Now you can forgive our early cynicism, as it's the kind of thing that we hear year after year from plucky triers and Dunning-Kruger ne'er-do-wells. But we had to admire their pluck and confidence, and genuinely looked forward to hearing the fruit of their labours.

And finally, this evening, it's escaped. And oh my, it's really quite a thing.

Now we'll fully admit that our collective hearts sank a little in the first twenty seconds or so when we realised what was happening here. However, they did tell us in advance that the lyric would be fully understandable by everyone across the continent, and they're not wrong there. But as the minutes ticked on it started to get under our skin, and by the end we had to applaud it for the utterly gleeful nonsense that it was. At least we think that's what it was.

If this had turned up in a Baltic quarter-final we'd be proclaiming this as a cult classic by now. But I suspect that Mr Man-Intheoffice at BBC Ents HQ will give it no more than half a minute - max - and go back to stroking his swan... of whatever it is they do at Broadcasting House.

I'm still not entirely sure that this isn't some elaborate wind up - but they've certainly spunked some money on the production if it is, so you kind of have to admire them for that. My tip to Nil Points UK, if they are straight up, is to get on the blower to Pabandom iš Naujo! and see if they fancy a go on it. It's go Twosome written all over it - so to speak.