Wednesday 28 October 2015
Oh boy, I think you're going to like this one. The Swiss have finally closed their doors to the planet's musical freakazoids and their terrible wares - none of who stand a chance of even getting anywhere near that big shiny stage in a couple of months. But we thought it would be remiss of us not to share with you the best of the last batch of loons and hools from the bottom of the pile.
Take this high concept little singalong. In it, a chirpy turd tours Europe, making friends with the locals, and getting them to sing along with him as goes along his way. Quite what the good folks of Turkey, Germany and Azerbaijan, among many others, will think of their hallowed flags being turned into dancing piles of doo doo we don't know. But we do know that you won't be able to get this blasted thing out of your head all night once you've heard it.
That in itself makes it a far better song than 97% of the other applicants. Yes, they're that collectively bad!
Monday 26 October 2015
The Swiss song pull down criteria are getting more and more complicated by the day. So apparantly we can't have the Rectum Raiders or any song that had an old date on their YouTube byline, but we can have Eric Saade and this? (Can't even acknowledgement of doing the actions listed in this song get you jailed in many of the countries of Eurovisionia?)
What a curious old state of affairs!
Sunday 25 October 2015
Enjoy this while you can, because I doubt it'll be up for long...
For those fainthearted enough not to risk a listen, this is a dirty slice of punk 'n' roll in the vein of Turbonegro or the Backyard Babies, swearily belted out by a quartet of young Dutchmen swathed in tiny bits of leather and flaunting an omni-sexual outlook.
OK, so of its ilk it's not actually all that good, but it'll certainly raise a few eyebrows at SRF on Monday morning when the moderators come to review the weekend's submissions. I give it until 10am...
It lasted until 8:45am. These Swiss telly folks have no moxy! The Raiders themselves tell me that they'll make the video available any day no. Until then, try searching for their name on Google and see what you come up with...
***STOP STOP PRESS***
They're back - but for quite how long, nobody knows!
Is it just me, or does this make your flesh crawl just a little bit? OK, so a little digging tells us that Natalia was born in Trinidad, and still spends much of her year there. But there's still something a little uncomfortable about watching someone whiter than me singing in that accent.
Unless of course 'to wuk' is a verb distinct to anglo-Swiss German that we Brits could never possibly understand?
But putting all of that aside, this is flipping hillarious - and probably in the wrong way!
Saturday 24 October 2015
Swiss telly always miss the obvious trick. Despite 'apparently' opening up their qualification process to the whole world, up to now it's only really every Swiss-based artists that have ever made it to the televised bit. Funny that. But despite all that, they usually end up picking something so bland and mid-European that it's got almost no Swiss character to it at all. And this is a shame.
So why not, finally, SRF, choose a song that's just oozing with local colour? You know, one that's oozing with fondue, chalets and Alpine charm. A song like this...
Quite how they'd whittle it down to just six performers would be interesting, mind. Some of this mob look like they could more than hold their own in a decent fist fight.
Monday 19 October 2015
Sometime when a marginally novelty act comes back for a second pop at an open application process you brace yourself for a slightly less successful version of the thing that they weren't especially good at last year. But somehow dear old Inge and her men of metal have actually managed to improve on last year's mildly amusing but still fairly weak effort by quite some measure.
Whereas Totenköpfchen was a half-decent concept struggling to find a decent riff, Trümmer is one of the most creative metal tracks I've heard in months - that also happens to have an octogenarian gran barking out the lyric. And somehow, this time, it all makes perfect sense.
As four chaps in Breaking Bad chic shred out some big noise, with creepy piano and Bond-style trumpets belting out incongruously in the background, dear old Inge finally manages to croak out some indignant menace on top of the ever thickening wall of sound. I'm not sure quite how they've managed to pull this off, but somehow they've delivered one of the best things I've heard all season.
Three more years of this level of improvement and they'll win the whole darned thing - if the old gal can hang on that long, that is...
Friday 16 October 2015
Swiss TV exec in a shadowy Lugano office: "You know what we need in this damn final? Not a dozen willowy teen girls hooting out witless techno, or some bedroom Scouser who can't actually sing...
Slightly timid researcher: "But what then, my leige?"
Swiss TV exec in a shadowy Lugano office: "What we need is a chunky Greek bloke on a beach whining out a love song to Robin Williams! And the more film references he clumsily crowbars in, the better! Can you get me that, young whelk!"
Slightly less timid researcher: "I think I might have just the thing, sir..."
Wednesday 14 October 2015
Erm, considering the speed that Swiss telly are pulling down any submitted video with even a hint of old age or controversy, we're somewhat startled that nobody's pointed out this cheeky little blighter to them yet...
Shall we tell 'em? Nah, it'll be funnier if we don't...
Thursday 8 October 2015
People rejoice! For it came to pass that we have our first slightly batty old girl of the season - and more terrifyingly it's probably one of the better songs in the Swiss process so far.
The video's clearly had a few pence spent on it too. Either Ms Christina is the wife of some rich industrialist in the midst of an expensive vanity project or she's actually a bit of a big deal in some remote canton - either way, this doesn't look cheap!
Monday 5 October 2015
You know what Eurovision needs more of? Songs about jealous lovers murdering night club letches...
We've found it, and it's back!