Switzerland 2015 - Flo & Raf - Tiny Star

Click here and an astronomer will die…

There's something incredibly likeable about this little ditty. The nasal voice and plinky plonky keyboards only add to the sweetness of this cute environmental hymn. But heaven forbid do they need some astronomy lessons.

Flo claims that as a little tiny star he flies around the moon and the earth. Whoa there Flo-jo - do you know what that would actually mean? Even the tiniest star is thousands of times larger than the Earth, the gravity pull from your well-meaning flitterings would pull the solar system right out of alignment, and change our tides into huge tsunamis that would wipe out 75% of all human life.

Worse still, your offer to come down and save us would actually melt us all on the spot, and boil our seas until nothing even close to living could survive. It the kind of saving that mother hamsters do when they eat their own young! Are you some kind of inadvertant angel of death who happily floats around the universe destroying whole celestial features with your well-intentioned clumsiness.

We might be in trouble down here on planet Earth, Tiny Star, but I think we'll take our chances without your help, if that's alright with you.

(PS It's worth watching the whole vid through for Raf's big moment right at the very end.)

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Switzerland 2015 - Bearforce 1 - Action Man

Click here for the full furry glory…

These cuddly Dutchmen are no strangers to this process, and have been trying to get their furry frames onto the Eurovision stage for some years now. Sadly they're now reduced to ploughing the impossible furrow of the Swiss selection process (has any non-Swiss band ever got through to the latter stages?) - which is a shame because there's something incredibly likable about the old fellas.

OK, so it might tap into a few of the usual Eurovision stereotypes, but they're loads of fun, and would attract heaps of attention come Eurovision fortnight. And you just know that the combined nans of Europe (at least the ones not singing weak prog metal) would instantly take the to their hearts.

One day, lads. One day.

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Switzerland 2015 - Inge and the TritoneKings - Totenköpfchen

Click here for the power of nan!

It's always nice when I get tipped off to a tune by one of you fine Apocalyptos. But when I get a barrage of Tweets and PMs saying: "You've just got to see this!", then it's time to start getting a little bit excited. And you most certainly haven't let me down here.

In short, this is an elderly lady singing a song called Dead Head, backed by a proggy speed metal band. I don't really need to say much else.

Of course, in the real world this would be a pretty poor effort. The metal backing feels a little ingenuine, while the nan sounds way too up in the mix, like she's singing to a click track so that the old racket behind her won't damage her failing ear pipes. The whole thing smacks a little of 'let's do something weird for Eurovision' rather than 'hey man, our granny loves the metal!".

But in Eurovisionia, this is a fine early entry into the niche comedy freaky slot, and one that I thank you all for pointing out to me! Keep up the good work!

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Switzerland 2015 - Fly - Voice for Youth

Click here for an unexpectedly sweet three minutes of song...

All the ingredients suggest that I really, REALLY shouldn't like this song. Some librarian nan is giving out hints for a happy life to children in what feels like a local community centre fundraiser. You see, you've made up your mind about it already.

But somehow, lord knows how, it's ended up being an utterly charming little number. The music sounds like Underworld covering Family Fodder - or some other post punk hippy beat collective of the early 80s. And Angelina's happy proclamations come over more like brain aerobics for the youth than any kind of social worker badgering.

I'd love to see this make the final - just to see how they'd stage it. Although to be fair, the old girl seems to be struggling to keep time in recorded form, so it could go seriously awry on stage. That being said, this has quite accidentally ended up being an early Apocalypse fave. We must be getting old...

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Switzerland 2015 - Like Leto - Diary

Click here to witness Dunning-Kruger in full effect…

There's a psychological disorder known as the Dunning-Kruger Effect, whereby unskilled individuals suffer from a kind of illusiary superiority, believing their abilities to be much higher than they actually are. It's believed that this is down to a little switch in the brain that has made them unable to recognise their gross ineptitude.

You will have seen this condition manifest itself in the early stages all manner of TV casting shows. Said hapless contestant gets up in front of the judges, confidently boasts that they're going to rip the show apart and end up bigger than Jesus, before honking out a dog-bothering mess of half remembered lines - usually accompanied by a disjointed, shuffling dance routine.

Psychologists have written many papers about it, and the depth of the condition seems to be of equal severity across the globe.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to Like Leto.

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Malta 2015 - Ekklesia Sisters - Love And Let Go

Click here for the full glory!

Good heavens - literally. Half a dozen nuns in pure white wimples singing a mild R'n'B sway-a-long about the children. If this doesn't make it to Vienna someone in Malta will have to have written an actual song!

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Switzerland 2015 - Franck Renand - That's Enough!

Click here to see this unsettling, erm,  gem...

Never has a song title been more apt. As you work your way through this video, you'll be wondering exactly what was going through Franck's mind as he decided on how each scene was going to look. He may think he looks mega cool, or even a little bit sexy. But in reality... well, I'll let you see for yourself. But you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving your children with him.

This really is quite a thing! Nice clouds, mind...

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Switzerland 2015 - Thierry Condor - Open Heart Surgery

If you can't see the clip on your iOS device, click here...

When they're looking to define the phrase 'ill-advised concept' to future generations, they'll use this clip to help carry over the deeper meaning of the term. What in the name of hell were they thinking?

It's bad enough that our Thierry has the voice of a child and the face of a soap opera murderer. But surely at some point someone must have pointed out that this whole sorry production - song, video, jolly japes and all - wasn't actually funny, and to many would be deeply upsetting.

I'm not sure what passes for larks these days down in the Northern Swiss city of Aarau where Mr Condor hails from, but surely it can't be hamfisted cover versions of gags from 50s British medical dramas. And the best thing of all is, by the look in his eyes, Thierry boy thinks he's onto a winner here.

Glory be to the Swiss open admissions period - keeps me in Apocalypse fuel for months! 

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Switzerland 2015 - Männerchor steili Kressä - The Beat Of The Meat

Click this link for the full meat-filled joy!

Just like the first swallows herald the oncoming of Spring, and a couple of rainy days in October evoke the first Christmas adverts on the telly, then the opening of the Swiss Eurovision application process can only mean one thing...

The booze-fuelled situationist madness of Männerchor steili Kressä. And they're singing about meat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now declare the 2015 Eurovision season open!

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Norway 2014 - Oda & Wulff - Sing

So we're all done. The full 37 songs selected tweaked and submitted to the EBU to check see if there's any hidden swearwords or references to Filofax.

It turned out that the Russian song wasn't all that dandy after all. A reasonably serviceable spot of Northern Soul with all the life and gusto polished out of it, it should do well, but it will get booed to billy-o just for being Russian, and, well, they can always blame the war for their moderate result. We've been doing it for years.

But there's one song from the qualifiers that didn't make the final that's been stuck in my head for a week now. As regular readers will know, I'm not especially fond of the recent up swell of Mumfordsalikes, but there's something about this optimistic little Scandi Twee pop gem that gets me every time.

And in a year where there's no clear favourite (Armenia? Really?), all of this year's artists should take this song's central message to heart. To all of you stiff faced ladies in shiny frocks who are hollering out your lyrics by syllable and have no idea what the words you're jaggedly reciting actually mean, sing like you mean it. Because you can bet your life that whoever wins this year's funny old contest certainly will be!

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Austria 2014 - Conchita Wurst - Rise Like A Phoenix

Now then this one will confuse the juries and unsettle the dads come mid-May. What we've got is a very serviceable stagey ballad, sung with heart and feeling by Austria's favourite bearded lady man.

If the juries are serious about it only being about the song, this will seriously test their remit, as it would finish top ten under any other wrapper. But will Conchinta's incredibly bold and provocative appearance turn away the voters or have them picking up the phone by the lorry load?

It's a tricky guess, but one thing's for sure - we now know for sure where the biggest fan boy scrum will congregate for most of ESC fornight.

I believe I'm now contractually obliged to pull the old "Austria: saved the Wurst till last (but one)" gag. Sorry.

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Russia 2006 - Sisters Tolmachevy - Vesenniy Jazz (JESC winners)

Before we get to see the glamorous Russian twins and their undoubtledly boo-inducing Eurovision entry, let's cast our memories back to the previous biggest moment of their lives when they won Junior Eurovision.

Yep, eight short years ago they looked and sounded like this. You've got underpants older than that…

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Belgium 2014 - Axel Hirsoux - Mother

Now then, here's a funny bit of business. Despite being near universally loathed in fandom, Axel here absolutely walked the Belgian final. His sentimental nan-pleaser of a song may be a little too sickly-sweet for the cool folks, but it's incredibly well-constructed and he sings it like he actually means it.

If it wasn't for the constant shots of his old ma and a weeping pal by the side of the stage, this song is so intensely mother-loving that you'd almost fear that he had her desiccated frame locked in a cupboard at the top of the stairs at home...

This will do better than anyone cares to think about. You just watch.

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Armenia 2014 - Aram MP3 - Not Alone

I was on a long train journey when the Armenian song was announced last evening. Suddenly my phone lit up with messages that we'd found our winner, but just as I was about to track it down on YT, we started going through loads of tunnels and deep cuts. Darn it.

So it was with some excitement that I finally tracked it down, and... Oh.

The two-songs-glued-together gambit isn't an unusual one in this contest. But surely this one takes just a tad too long to get going? A long husky intro, where this singer - a stand up comedian in his day job - looks all moody and meaningful, eventually thumps into a chunky slice of near-dubstep and it all picks up a bit.

It ain't bad, and this does appear to be a year when nobody is trying to win it - but will the good nans of Moldova take it to their hearts an make it win? I'm not so sure...

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Moldova 2014 - Cristina Scarlat - Wild Soul

Click here to see if you can fathom what's going on...

And this winner in this year's "What's exactly is going on here award?" goes to Cristina Scarlat from Moldova.

So from what we can work out, she's half-woman, half-machine, and there's a big bendy mirror floating about for some reason we didn't quite fathom. Then some dancing boys pranced about in ethnic costume, before a load of  radio controlled helicopters with banners on went a bit wrong, plunging into the audience, and possibly taking he ears off the first three rows. (Mind you, at the Moldovan final there only is the first three rows!)

It may amuse you further to know that this won its semi final, so it a possible contender to knock singee elect Boris Covali off his perch again for another year! I'd laugh.

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