Moldova 2016 - Poison Lust - Black Magic

(Magic, oh magic...)

After last year's locally unpopular hop across the border to neighbouring Ukraine, this year's Moldovan selection tournament has been beset with issues. Up until a mere 36 hours before deadline, only seven songs had entered, and despite a last minute rush, there still wasn't enough songs to go through their orignally planned stages. Heck, there's so few songs in it that even our Sasha stands a chance of getting on the telly this year!

We're also filled with hope that this little lovely manages to sweet talk the panel. An amiable little slice of dancy folk goth, if her voice it this willowy in the studio, it's going to be an absolute treat in real life. Then coupled with their apparent dark wave image and the spooky atmosphere of the song, this is already lining up to be among the most visual of the bunch.

Don't let silly little things like live auditions put you off, TRM - Europe needs to see this song. At your semi-final stage at the very least!

Hungary 2016 - Misztrál - Reggeli Reggae

(Click here to visit an unimagined realm…)

So the Hungarian songs have been announced, and while all but a few of them have only been released in 20 second snippet form, 20 seconds is just about all you'll need to get a handle of the high-concept strangeness of this little oddity.

For Misztrál, it appears, are a band who play traditional folk instruments - only in a reggae style. Oh boy.

We'll get you the full three minute version as soon as it escapes - although to be honest, I'm not entirely sure you could take it. So simply revel in this micro dot of musical curiosity over and over again and I'm sure you'll get the gist.

Ireland 2016 - Colin - Call Me Crazy

(How crazy is Colin? Clue: Not very…)

If only to cheer myself up after the horrific bit of Anglo-German nonsense I posted earlier, I went searching to see whether our cousins the Irish had managed to throw up anything even worse.

Reassuringly they have.

And while it may not be quite as look-at-me-I'm-bonkers-no-really-I-am as Delilah's dismal attempt, there's still some joy to be had here. Colin here really wants you to call him crazy. I think he's got this contest sewn up, to be fair. Book your bus to the Late Late Show, sunshine, Ryan's got a ticket to Stockholm with your name written on it. (Look, it's been a long day, alright…)

UK 2016 - Delilah Jay - Baby Boy

(Oh my days…)

To all those abroadians who wonder why we British get the shudders any time we open our qualifiers up to the general public… 

This…

That's why.

Estonia 2016 - Púr Múdd - Meet Halfway

(Click here for floaty lightness...)

Oh lovely lovely Eesti Laul. If it's not home to bonkers-in-the-nut insaniasts, is filling up its quieter corners with gentle, etherial loveliness. Like this song here. It's not going to win any contest-shaped song show any time soon, but it's so cool and bleak that it could only ever come from Estonia.

And for that it must be heartily applauded!

***STOP PRESS***

We finally got to see this live tonight - well, as live as this year's slightly staged semi-finals can be - and Púr Múdd offered us one of the most fragile and delightful performances of the whole year so far. Absolutely gutted that they didn't make it through, because I'd have loved to have seen what they did with this song in a proper live final!

Italy 2016 - Cecile - N.E.G.R.A

(Click here for an unexpected peep show...)

The songs for the Giovani section of Sanremo are out, and the very first one I clicked on is a right blinder. A provacative song about racism sung by a completely naked lady of colour occasionally forgetting to cover her blushes for the camera? I'm sold already.

This is the kind of thing that the critics love, but that absolutely bombs in the final - and it's not even clear that the new artist section are even eligible for the big Eurovision ticket this year. But I for one aren't going to forget this one in a hurry. 

Malta 2016 - Maxine Pace - Young Love

(Click here for the song Malta SHOULD pick. Whether they will, mind...)

Last night the Maltese announced their final 20 songs in a show of familiar bone-grinding length. And if you managed to trawl your way through the whole thing you'll be aware that there's not a lot of laughs and good cheer among them. Even Lawrence Grey's quiff/wig is a little better behaved than usual.

The fanboys will clearly go bonkers for Ira Losco's twin attempts - Chameleon in particular - although the long shots of the hall in her absence were nothing if not a little awkward. I guess she had something better to do.

But in among the usual parade of wide-faced girls in shiny outfits they got off the market, and wide-eyed boys who looked like they were pizza delivery lads who wandered into the wrong room, one little pop gem stood head and shoulders above the rest. This won't be the best song that I put on Apocalypse this year, or indeed the most entertaining. But if the lovely Isle want to progress to a decent level in the competition this year it's the song that they should be choosing.

It's got that bouncy, Meghan Trainor funtime vibe, lots of enthusiasm and a chorus you can almost remember - which is something that is sadly lacking in most of the other 19 efforts this year. Just two things though. Barbara Dex has already been on the phone about that outfit, and just what IS that woman at the left-hand back of the studio doing? I thought she was a photograph for the first half hour...

Russia 2008 - Sergey Lazarev - Flyer

(Click here for a little taste of the future…)

Today's announcement that Sergey Lazarev is definitely going to provide the Russian Eurovision song this season led to a rush of Air B'n'B enquiries about nice apartments in Sochi come Spring 2017. Obviously the song could be a complete moose - but even if it is it'll be hard to imagine that it won't be troubling the top left-hand side of the scoreboard come May 14th.

But is he such a bolted on winner in reality? Let's not forget that he's thrown his hat into the ring before, and was beaten out to a distant fourth by some lad called Bilan. Whatever happened to him…? 

Belarus 2016 - Nika - Fall In Love

(Click here to see awkwardness condensed...)

Last of the Belarussian non-qualifiers for a bit - although I'm quite sure I'll be revisiting them in the quiet weeks. And it's a cutie. Witness here the very definition of an awkward performance. The lass herself is done up a treat, and her little clumpy twirl just before suggests that we're about to be dealt a lovely slab of attitude and spark. But when she anxiously counts herself in before her vocal starts then looks around to check that the dancers are in place, you fear the worst.

And that's pretty much what you get, sadly. We can put her strangled singing voice down to inexperience - to sing for the TV executives on such a big stage for the first time must be frankly terrifying. But she throttles those syllables like she's never spoken English before, let along sung in it. Add to this the two dancers, who seem to be doing their own thing, like the warm up for a school play - and that quickly off-camera bit of guitar miming is just excruciating. We can thank the lecherous Belarussian cameraman for saving us for once.

But having said all that, I think it's a real shame how it all turned out. The song itself isn't actually half bad, and Nika looks like she's got a pop star hiding somewhere in her bones, if only she could wrestle it out. And she even had half a good idea with the two dancers. If she did all of this off her own back, I suspect she's got the moxy to try again next year - and we can only look forward to that! 

Moldova 2016 - Che-MD - Vodā e Cu Noi

(Click here for some hardcore folklore...)

A few years back, we featured a little gaggle of fresh-faced hopefuls in the Moldovan process, who while lively, looked and sounded just like a sixth form Zdob-ši-Zdub tribute act. Well the seasons have rolled on and they've grown up a bit, and appear to have matured into a full-blown Z-š-Z trib - and that's not entirely a bad thing.

Of course, it's no crime to be a bit like someone else at Eurovision. I mean, if we were to put a cap on all the girls in glittery frocks pumping out a torpid ballad we wouldn't need two semi-finals - and that lad won it this year with somebody else's song. But when a band are as similar as their elder statesmen countrymen, it does take a few moments to adjust.

But there are differences. Whereas Bunika's boys like to play it for funtime chuckles when this contest comes around, this mob are deadly serious - at least as far as I can tell. And better than that, they've got girls... with swords! And with a depleted home town shortlist, coupled with the news that the divine Miss Doinita has toned it down a bit this year with a regulation pop song, this sng couple be where the fun lies on semi-finals night in Chisinau this year. I'm quite looking forward to seeing what they do with it!

Moldova 2016 - DoReDoS - FannyFolk

(Rule one: Always check what your song's title means abroad...)

OK, so the song itself is no great shakes - kind of flimsy popsy folko - but I thought I'd share this one with you for its title alone*...

Shall we tell them, or shall we leave it, for a laugh, like.

****STOP PRESS****
Bah! It turns out it was a typo, and the very nice people from DoReDos have mailed us to inform us all that it was actually meant to be FunnyFolk - which probably makes a whole lot more sense. But part of me does kinda wish that they meant it to be like that...

*Our American readers will find this name funny in a whole different way of their own. 

Belarus 2016 - Timur Pryahin - We Wanna Peace

(Click here for more strange than your eyes and ears can take...)

Belarus: the gift that just keeps on giving.

There's so many things we could talk about here: Timur's willowy voice strangling out the syllables so much that it takes you at least a verse to realise that he's singing in English; The song's title - which we assume to mean 'We Would Like To Have Peace', but which actually sounds more like a request for cake; Those faltering fans; That embarrassed shuffle off at the end; all of this and more.

But there's just one thing that you won't be able to take your eyes off for the whole performance - and trust me, it's worth (as in 'not at all worth') the wait! 

Mrs Hacksaw just said to me: "They hold these rounds just for you and your readers, don't they!" And when you see this performance you'll see her point!

Belarus 2016 - Band Drozdy - Uvezu v Derevnyu

(Click here for a little bit of farmyard fun...)

THIS is what Eurovision is for. Decent songs, terrific singers and clever, well-judged performances are all well and good, but only on very rare and special occasions will they ever top something like this.

It's got everything: locally folky ethno disco pumping, madcap dancing and some terrible, terrible trousers. But one thing tops it all. By miles. At roughly 1:47 something so incredibly beautiful happens that you'll weep with joy. Either that or hoot with disbelieving laughter. Probably the latter, actually. Either way, it's one of the best moments in all Eurovision history. Yep, that bonkers.

All we'll say is... keep an eye on the box.

Moldova 2016 - Sasha Bognibov - Insane (Against Corruption)

(Click here for some rockin' Sasha action...)

Perhaps buoyed by the news that as of yesterday, a mere seven songs had been entered for the Moldovan process, our lad Sasha has entered for a second time this year - and this one is a cracker.

Less understated than Alone (his earlier 2016 entry), and every bit as crunchy as his previous gem Against Discrimination, Insane thumps out the tech-metal riffs, as his doleful voice warbles out above the noise. Blended together it makes a really rather agreeable whole.

And with world that Mr B has also entered a song in for the UK process as well, could this finally be the year we get to see him in his rightful place? (I know I say that every year, but surely his dream will come true soon - as should all of ours!)

Belarus 2016 - Lis i Les - Krumkachy

(Click here to hurt your ears...)

"Soundman, soundman... Stop, stop! I cannot hear my voice, and I need the world to hear my dazzling vocal. Can you make the neccessary adjustment?"

"Ah yes, that is better..."