Portugal 2025 - Henka - I Wanna Destroy U

 

(Click here for noise if you can't see the video panel above…)

After all the drama for the last few days it was nice to sit down and have our traditional quiet chill out to all the Portuguese songs. One by one they lilted by like the gentlest Spring breeze, until… OH MY BLOODY DAYS! THIS HAPPENED!

In a move almost exactly nobody saw coming, RTP have elected to chuck some of the heaviest guitar-shaped things we've ever seen at this contest smack back in the middle of proceedings to wake up all the Nans in the shires. And flipping heck does this chug along nicely.

Taking the current vague trend for loud-quiet-very-loud song patterns at the moment, Henka here has made the very loud exceedingly loud, although she does give us the occasional metalcore cop out of clean vocals as something of a palate cleanser every now and again. And looking into her history she seems the real deal too, rather than some bandwagon jumper trying their luck.

Of course, there will be all the usual dullards listing a load of the more noisy songs of late from Ireland, Croatia and Finland and trying to say this is some kind of copy of them. But as usual they're quite quite wrong. This is its whole own thing, and we've absolutely no idea where it's going to come come FdC night - it could come absolutely anywhere from bottom to top!

Moldova 2025 - Tudor Bumbac - Pace Noi Vrem

 

(Click here if you can't see the splendid old gentleman above…)

For those sensible enough not to follow every last minute of Eurovision pre-qualifying TV - and that's probably all but six of you - the Moldovan live auditions have become a regular extra special landmark of joy. On it we get to see around thirty of what TRM consider to be the best songs that applied - although quite often it's less because artists clean forget to show up. But one chap who is a regular at this srage , and who has become a cult hero in Eurovisionia, the esteemed Tudor Bumbac.

You'll be surprised to learn that the lovely old boy isn't a professional musician, but a medic and lecturer who just happens to love music. He turns up most years with a lovely bit of folksy Balkan shuffle pop. So beloved is he that one of the characters in my Eurovision novel was a thinly-veiled version of him. 

This year was a bit different though. He'd mixed his style up a tad, delivering a more sedate waltz that loosely translates as We Want Peace. However, it wasn't the song that was most worthy of note, but the delivery. At one point during the instrumental break in the middle it looked every bit like he'd had a petit mal, or maybe even a mini-stroke. And we got even more concerned when his usually rock solid performance started to falter as he'd clearly forgotten the words… we hope.

We love Mr Bumbac here at Apocalypse, and we wonder if he has any idea what a cult hero he is across the continent. But he's starting to look frail, and we'd rather he stayed at home than risk his health entertaining us, bless him.

Moldova 2025 - Pizdofarm - Vin Da, Rusia Nu!

 

(Click here to help smash the system if you can't play the clip above…)

Like most of us, we'd kind of lazily assumed that TRM let absolutely any song that applied get to the live audition stage. I mean, they couldn't possibly have any kind of quality control process, going by the evidence of previous years. Well it turns out that they do, but in this case you can quite understand why they didn't want it on the telly.

Musically it's a pretty standard bit of Eastern Europop, and to be honest, weak as it is it's still more appealing that most of the songs we'll be seeing on that most awkward of selection shows. But it's the lyrical content that was probably the issue here. The title, you can probably work out, translates to Wine Yes, Russia No! - which probably isn't a message that anyone in Moldovan telly wants to risk considering the tensions with their former imperial overlord. And in naming the little orange fella, and giving a massive head nod to our Verka at the end, they probably wrote their own rejection letter before anyone even heard it.

But there's more. The act's name was also somewhat problematic, translating to either Pussy Farm, or Farm Of Kants, depending on which translator you use. Or at least that's what the latter one sounded like… Yeah, it was never going to happen, was it. But we're still a bit disappointed that we'll never get to find out just how far their actual appearance differs from them two on the lyric screen. Considerably, one expects.

United Kingdom 2025 - Franz Ferdinand - Hooked

 

(Click here for the first bit of silly UK tittle-tattle of the year…)

We're not just here for the declared national final entries and the quantifiable rumours, of course, but for all the outlandish early-season tittle-tattle as well. So when we started hearing sniffs from a number of different directions that they thought they knew for sure what the UK was going to be sending this year our ears certainly did prick up a little. "It's going to be a band!" some said with some certainty, "And one that most people will have heard of." Interesting. "It's got an eighties sound and is incredibly danceable" said some others. Very interesting. "It's Franz Ferdinand!" said a few more convinced mutterings. WHAT?

Yeah, that's what we thought. But is this rumour one worth pursuing? To be completely frank, we're not sure. True, Alex Kapranos has expressed interest in the contest in the past - but that was more aimed at sending something folky-stompy in for Greece, his ancestral homeland. But it's also very true that they have a new album out this week, with the song most folks are citing as the special one fitting very nicely into the 2020s Eurovision soundsphere. It's three minutes long, has that quirky-jerky post-Roop thing going on, and gets your head nodding at first listen. Surely not?

We suspect that this is either the product of someone joining a few genuine clues together and coming up with completely the wrong answer, or some mischief on the part of the band's supporters to help the album get a few more listens. But it's still interesting that an act of FF's stature is even getting mentioned in despatches in this way. Although do we really want a couple of fifty-plus-year-olds stomping creakily about on the Eurovision stage? Aren't we in enough trouble just lately?

If pressed on the matter we'd suspect that this whole tale is just a bit of wide-eyed wishful thinking. But if further asked whether we'd actually want this as our entry - well, to be honest, we really wouldn't complain that much…

Finland 2025 - One Morning Left – Puppy

(Click here for the ills…)

***STOP PRESS***

Turns out it emerged that evidence of the singer being a wrong 'un of such magnitude emerged that resulted in the song being withdrawn from the contest, the rest of the band leaving him on the spot, the label dropping them, and their parent limited company being wound up without another minute's notice. When a fun idea turns out to be no fun at all…

****************

In what is fast becoming a cast iron truism in Eurovisionia, you can always trust the Finns to put the biggest smile on your face at this time of year. And to be absolutely honest, I wasn't expecting it to come from One Morning Left, a band normally with such a minimal lick of metal in their bones you couldn't wrap a Kit-Kat in it. But heavens have they delivered the chunk here!

It's also that song with a quiet bit, then a noisy bit that'll leave you scraping your Nan off the back of the sofa, then a noise step drop out at the three quarter point before a whole slab of more silliness. Yep, it's been done a dozen times in these shires - and a thousand times more in my regular musical world - but you still can't help loving these cheeky scamps and their ode to their baby dogs.

It's abject cobblers, of course, but it's still a breath of fresh air in this year's increasingly dull slate of songs. One suspects the contest is Erika Vikman's to lose, but come on you Finns, give us one of the most dumb-assed entertaining three years of all time and pick this for Basel!

Moldova 2025 - Sasha Bognibov - All-Night Party

 

(Click here if you can't see the somewhat unsettling video above…)

***STOP PRESS***

Bloody hell, Sasha's only gone and done it!

***STOP STOP PRESS***

In a fit of uncharacteristic self-awareness, TRM realised that any final slate that had the lad himself in it must be a rum old do and withdrawn from the whole bloody caboodle - despite it being the 20th anniversary of their first entry! Crikey!

******************************

We have to confess that we'd all but given up on Sasha. After years of supporting his outsider strangeness, he nudged his boat just that bit too close to the pervy edge with his 2023 effort My Favourite Schoolgirl, followed by his catchy-but-creepy Married To Twins the following year. On top of that, times have changed. Fandom on the whole has got younger and more gender diverse. This being the case, Mr Bognibov has got enough lines on his face now to make what may have been ironic-beautiful when Eurovisionia was mostly the domain of older gentlemen of a certain parish feel more than a little bit wrong in these more finely developed times.

However, it turns out that the lad still has a minor hit in him. And while most people will be talking about his other ultimately doomed song this year – the cringingly opportunist We Changed Our Gender – this one here is the kind of thing that he should have been doing all along. Of course this might be down to the fact that Sasha hasn't written any of it. Indeed, it's been penned, produced and videofied by a couple of old friends of this blog who've similarly seen the wonky promise of Sasha, if only he'd try to step away from prodding the noncey bear for once or twice in his life.

The video, though, is oddly unsettling, as it shows a room full of AI-enhanced Bognibov-faced ravers at a pretty sleazy party. It also shows us what Sasha night look like if he ever smiled - which is strange enough in itself. Obviously this is going to go the way of every other one of his past couple of dozen attempts - particularly as he can't employ the benefits of autotune in the punishing live auditions… although to be honest, even that little tool was stretched to its limits here. And you'll be able to set your clock by the boy's sniffy open letter to TRM inside an hour of his rejection, that claims he's easily the best singer in the contest, and how the whole system is a conspiracy against him. It's a story as old as time.

If you're new to this fella, seek out a few of his better efforts, like Wounded Swan, Against Discrimination and Stop The Liars. But for heaven's sake don't even think about clicking on a clip titled I Love The Girls…

Montenegro 2025 - Bend 9 - Stop War

 

(Click here if you can't see the video above…)

Seeing as we were a bit late kicking off this term we completely missed telling you about the unexpectedly early joys of the first Montenegrin final since yer Nan was a lad. Rather then just picking a local popular fave - or even just not bothering like they've been doing of late - they elected to hold a long-winded sixteen song final that chose a right mutt of a song called Clickbait through a mix of punter and jury voting. Although as it turned out they shouldn't have bothered, as the lass that came second pointed out that it had been released months earlier, and that she was the only fair and true winner. And so it transpired that the whole sorry farrago was for naught and they sent the only singer that anyone in Europe may vaguely have heard of. Bloody waste of time all that was!

But who came last - plum last - in such an illustrious field, we're sure you don't hear you ask. Well it turns out that it was a rather out-of-place chunk of rampaging true metal calling for a cessation of the world's wars. Heck that was much heavier than we'd have imagined of this contest - the first five rows must have needed peeling of their seats when that finished.

But rather than everyone chucking the devil horns up and agreeing with its very prescient sentiment it got nothing at all from the jury, and a paltry 143 televotes. It seems that there's not such an appetite for world peace in Montenegro after all…

Malta 2025 - Miriana Conte - Kant

 
(Click here if you can't see this sweary marvel…)

Working our way through the arid wasteland of unimaginative Swedish cast-offs that make up the Maltese options this year we were delighted to find that there was a song about the father of modern philosophy hiding in the drab thicket of lyrical banality in their second semi-final. So we quickly threw it on, looking forward to its likely commentary of transcendental realism and pure reason.

So imagine our confusion when all we saw was a fairly young girl, pouting with bedroom mirror sass, delivering a treatise about being yourself and not playing to anyone else's tune. Still, that could all be the lead up to an enlightenment-themed chorus, we reasoned.

Oh. Oh my. Oh my very my…

But you've got to hand it to the lass, because in her pronunciation of that single syllable she's guaranteed herself cult hero status in one fell swoop. She'll also have the folks upstairs at the EBU in a proper tizzy, trying to work out what they can do with the thing should in win the ticket to Basel. And even though they claim to have a clever get out, citing the fact that the song's title is actually really the Maltese word for singing, no one really believes that was the creator's intention for a single second. It's going to be fascinating to see how this one flies!

Estonia 2025 - Tommy Cash - Espresso Macchiato

 (Click here if you can't see the above clip on your outdated browser…)

Hello and welcome back to a whole new season of Eurovision Apocalypse! We've been a little slack so far this season, but, y'know, life stuff. But with the songs beginning to trickle in we thought we'd better get back on the Apocalypse bike and show you some of the best and worst and weirdest of all the usual suspects.

And where better to start than with the first artist to declare their interest in Eurovision - the most curious Tommy Cash!

Now, you know that thing you do where there's a left field artist from one of the smaller countries who you've loved for years and have always wished they'd lower themselves to have a stab at a Eurovision event? Well we've been wanting that of this fella for flipping years, but figured that ETV would never have the nerve to even think about it. Yeah, they like to tease with the weird and less usual, but could they ever truly trust a loose cannon as deeply creative and unhinged as Cash? Even when he started describing himself as "Eurovision winner 2025" we thought it was just a massive in joke. Just take a look at some of his past videos to see why we thought it would never happen! But make sure there are no children, nans or small animals in easy view.

But then the Eesti Laul line up was announced and it was all true! Heck, whatever was this song going to be like? You can't imagine the excitement and trepidation in Apocalypse Towers as we sat down to watch it - only to be met with a big "Oh. Was that it?" when we finally got through it's poppy, lilty running time. I can't pretend to not being just a smudge disappointed. I mean, it's got plenty of cracking Italianate cliche's running through it that'll annoy all the right people. And you just know that the on stage performance of this is going to be one of the most maximum things you're likely to see all year, but, y'know, when he's just put out a video like the one he just has for his song Untz Untz (and seriously, put a blanket over the budgie cage if you watch it), well you can understand me wanting just that little bit more.

But then a curious thing happened. I showed it to Mrs A, who knew little of Mr C's track record, and about a minute in she turned to me and said "Get a bet on - that's winning the whole thing!" Y'see, I might know all about Tommy's extreme musical history, but Mrs A - along with the vast masses of watching TV folks - won't have the faintest clue about what they haven't seen, only the happy funtimes song in front of them, and that's what really counts.

And while it's great that Estonia have finally sent a critically acclaimed international artist to the Eesti Laul stage, we kind of fear how this one is going to go. He'll storm though the early voting, despite a few painfully low votes from some of the more elderly just members, only to be beaten in the superfinal by a dough-faced girl from a casting show, or a lantern-jawed boy in a brown suede coat. It's a story as old as time.

Come on Estonia, you've got one job…