Moldova 2025 - Pizdofarm - Vin Da, Rusia Nu!

 

(Click here to help smash the system if you can't play the clip above…)

Like most of us, we'd kind of lazily assumed that TRM let absolutely any song that applied get to the live audition stage. I mean, they couldn't possibly have any kind of quality control process, going by the evidence of previous years. Well it turns out that they do, but in this case you can quite understand why they didn't want it on the telly.

Musically it's a pretty standard bit of Eastern Europop, and to be honest, weak as it is it's still more appealing that most of the songs we'll be seeing on that most awkward of selection shows. But it's the lyrical content that was probably the issue here. The title, you can probably work out, translates to Wine Yes, Russia No! - which probably isn't a message that anyone in Moldovan telly wants to risk considering the tensions with their former imperial overlord. And in naming the little orange fella, and giving a massive head nod to our Verka at the end, they probably wrote their own rejection letter before anyone even heard it.

But there's more. The act's name was also somewhat problematic, translating to either Pussy Farm, or Farm Of Kants, depending on which translator you use. Or at least that's what the latter one sounded like… Yeah, it was never going to happen, was it. But we're still a bit disappointed that we'll never get to find out just how far their actual appearance differs from them two on the lyric screen. Considerably, one expects.

United Kingdom 2025 - Franz Ferdinand - Hooked

 

(Click here for the first bit of silly UK tittle-tattle of the year…)

We're not just here for the declared national final entries and the quantifiable rumours, of course, but for all the outlandish early-season tittle-tattle as well. So when we started hearing sniffs from a number of different directions that they thought they knew for sure what the UK was going to be sending this year our ears certainly did prick up a little. "It's going to be a band!" some said with some certainty, "And one that most people will have heard of." Interesting. "It's got an eighties sound and is incredibly danceable" said some others. Very interesting. "It's Franz Ferdinand!" said a few more convinced mutterings. WHAT?

Yeah, that's what we thought. But is this rumour one worth pursuing? To be completely frank, we're not sure. True, Alex Kapranos has expressed interest in the contest in the past - but that was more aimed at sending something folky-stompy in for Greece, his ancestral homeland. But it's also very true that they have a new album out this week, with the song most folks are citing as the special one fitting very nicely into the 2020s Eurovision soundsphere. It's three minutes long, has that quirky-jerky post-Roop thing going on, and gets your head nodding at first listen. Surely not?

We suspect that this is either the product of someone joining a few genuine clues together and coming up with completely the wrong answer, or some mischief on the part of the band's supporters to help the album get a few more listens. But it's still interesting that an act of FF's stature is even getting mentioned in despatches in this way. Although do we really want a couple of fifty-plus-year-olds stomping creakily about on the Eurovision stage? Aren't we in enough trouble just lately?

If pressed on the matter we'd suspect that this whole tale is just a bit of wide-eyed wishful thinking. But if further asked whether we'd actually want this as our entry - well, to be honest, we really wouldn't complain that much…

Finland 2025 - One Morning Left – Puppy

(Click here for the cutest little song of the year…)

In what is fast becoming a cast iron truism in Eurovisionia, you can always trust the Finns to put the biggest smile on your face at this time of year. And to be absolutely honest, I wasn't expecting it to come from One Morning Left, a band normally with such a minimal lick of metal in their bones you couldn't wrap a Kit-Kat in it. But heavens have they delivered the chunk here!

It's also that song with a quiet bit, then a noisy bit that'll leave you scraping your Nan off the back of the sofa, then a noise step drop out at the three quarter point before a whole slab of more silliness. Yep, it's been done a dozen times in these shires - and a thousand times more in my regular musical world - but you still can't help loving these cheeky scamps and their ode to their baby dogs.

It's abject cobblers, of course, but it's still a breath of fresh air in this year's increasingly dull slate of songs. One suspects the contest is Erika Vikman's to lose, but come on you Finns, give us one of the most dumb-assed entertaining three years of all time and pick this for Basel!

Moldova 2025 - Sasha Bognibov - All-Night Party

 

(Click here if you can't see the somewhat unsettling video above…)

We have to confess that we'd all but given up on Sasha. After years of supporting his outsider strangeness, he nudged his boat just that bit too close to the pervy edge with his 2023 effort My Favourite Schoolgirl, followed by his catchy-but-creepy Married To Twins the following year. On top of that, times have changed. Fandom on the whole has got younger and more gender diverse. This being the case, Mr Bognibov has got enough lines on his face now to make what may have been ironic-beautiful when Eurovisionia was mostly the domain of older gentlemen of a certain parish feel more than a little bit wrong in these more finely developed times.

However, it turns out that the lad still has a minor hit in him. And while most people will be talking about his other ultimately doomed song this year – the cringingly opportunist We Changed Our Gender – this one here is the kind of thing that he should have been doing all along. Of course this might be down to the fact that Sasha hasn't written any of it. Indeed, it's been penned, produced and videofied by a couple of old friends of this blog who've similarly seen the wonky promise of Sasha, if only he'd try to step away from prodding the noncey bear for once or twice in his life.

The video, though, is oddly unsettling, as it shows a room full of AI-enhanced Bognibov-faced ravers at a pretty sleazy party. It also shows us what Sasha night look like if he ever smiled - which is strange enough in itself. Obviously this is going to go the way of every other one of his past couple of dozen attempts - particularly as he can't employ the benefits of autotune in the punishing live auditions… although to be honest, even that little tool was stretched to its limits here. And you'll be able to set your clock by the boy's sniffy open letter to TRM inside an hour of his rejection, that claims he's easily the best singer in the contest, and how the whole system is a conspiracy against him. It's a story as old as time.

If you're new to this fella, seek out a few of his better efforts, like Wounded Swan, Against Discrimination and Stop The Liars. But for heaven's sake don't even think about clicking on a clip titled I Love The Girls…

Montenegro 2025 - Bend 9 - Stop War

 

(Click here if you can't see the video above…)

Seeing as we were a bit late kicking off this term we completely missed telling you about the unexpectedly early joys of the first Montenegrin final since yer Nan was a lad. Rather then just picking a local popular fave - or even just not bothering like they've been doing of late - they elected to hold a long-winded sixteen song final that chose a right mutt of a song called Clickbait through a mix of punter and jury voting. Although as it turned out they shouldn't have bothered, as the lass that came second pointed out that it had been released months earlier, and that she was the only fair and true winner. And so it transpired that the whole sorry farrago was for naught and they sent the only singer that anyone in Europe may vaguely have heard of. Bloody waste of time all that was!

But who came last - plum last - in such an illustrious field, we're sure you don't hear you ask. Well it turns out that it was a rather out-of-place chunk of rampaging true metal calling for a cessation of the world's wars. Heck that was much heavier than we'd have imagined of this contest - the first five rows must have needed peeling of their seats when that finished.

But rather than everyone chucking the devil horns up and agreeing with its very prescient sentiment it got nothing at all from the jury, and a paltry 143 televotes. It seems that there's not such an appetite for world peace in Montenegro after all…

Malta 2025 - Miriana Conte - Kant

 
(Click here if you can't see this sweary marvel…)

Working our way through the arid wasteland of unimaginative Swedish cast-offs that make up the Maltese options this year we were delighted to find that there was a song about the father of modern philosophy hiding in the drab thicket of lyrical banality in their second semi-final. So we quickly threw it on, looking forward to its likely commentary of transcendental realism and pure reason.

So imagine our confusion when all we saw was a fairly young girl, pouting with bedroom mirror sass, delivering a treatise about being yourself and not playing to anyone else's tune. Still, that could all be the lead up to an enlightenment-themed chorus, we reasoned.

Oh. Oh my. Oh my very my…

But you've got to hand it to the lass, because in her pronunciation of that single syllable she's guaranteed herself cult hero status in one fell swoop. She'll also have the folks upstairs at the EBU in a proper tizzy, trying to work out what they can do with the thing should in win the ticket to Basel. And even though they claim to have a clever get out, citing the fact that the song's title is actually really the Maltese word for singing, no one really believes that was the creator's intention for a single second. It's going to be fascinating to see how this one flies!

Estonia 2025 - Tommy Cash - Espresso Macchiato

 (Click here if you can't see the above clip on your outdated browser…)

Hello and welcome back to a whole new season of Eurovision Apocalypse! We've been a little slack so far this season, but, y'know, life stuff. But with the songs beginning to trickle in we thought we'd better get back on the Apocalypse bike and show you some of the best and worst and weirdest of all the usual suspects.

And where better to start than with the first artist to declare their interest in Eurovision - the most curious Tommy Cash!

Now, you know that thing you do where there's a left field artist from one of the smaller countries who you've loved for years and have always wished they'd lower themselves to have a stab at a Eurovision event? Well we've been wanting that of this fella for flipping years, but figured that ETV would never have the nerve to even think about it. Yeah, they like to tease with the weird and less usual, but could they ever truly trust a loose cannon as deeply creative and unhinged as Cash? Even when he started describing himself as "Eurovision winner 2025" we thought it was just a massive in joke. Just take a look at some of his past videos to see why we thought it would never happen! But make sure there are no children, nans or small animals in easy view.

But then the Eesti Laul line up was announced and it was all true! Heck, whatever was this song going to be like? You can't imagine the excitement and trepidation in Apocalypse Towers as we sat down to watch it - only to be met with a big "Oh. Was that it?" when we finally got through it's poppy, lilty running time. I can't pretend to not being just a smudge disappointed. I mean, it's got plenty of cracking Italianate cliche's running through it that'll annoy all the right people. And you just know that the on stage performance of this is going to be one of the most maximum things you're likely to see all year, but, y'know, when he's just put out a video like the one he just has for his song Untz Untz (and seriously, put a blanket over the budgie cage if you watch it), well you can understand me wanting just that little bit more.

But then a curious thing happened. I showed it to Mrs A, who knew little of Mr C's track record, and about a minute in she turned to me and said "Get a bet on - that's winning the whole thing!" Y'see, I might know all about Tommy's extreme musical history, but Mrs A - along with the vast masses of watching TV folks - won't have the faintest clue about what they haven't seen, only the happy funtimes song in front of them, and that's what really counts.

And while it's great that Estonia have finally sent a critically acclaimed international artist to the Eesti Laul stage, we kind of fear how this one is going to go. He'll storm though the early voting, despite a few painfully low votes from some of the more elderly just members, only to be beaten in the superfinal by a dough-faced girl from a casting show, or a lantern-jawed boy in a brown suede coat. It's a story as old as time.

Come on Estonia, you've got one job…

The Netherlands 2024 - Rijswijk Barrel Organ - Europapa

 

(Click here if you can't see the splendid joy on the video panel above…)

Right, deep breath. Firstly, are you OK? It seems like the world around us has turned to shit, and even our favourite bit of light entertainment fluff has been dragged into the maelstrom as ideologies of all flavours butt heads around us. It's made it all feel a bit dirty and considerably less fun for everyone.

So what we all need is to stop for a couple of minutes and have a nice smile - and what could be smilier than this year's already pretty smiley Dutch Eurovision song played down Rijswijk High Street on a barrel organ. I mean, how do they even do that? And so quickly?

So unless Armenia suddenly weigh in with six juggling Barbary macaques all hooting and honking in time to some awesome hardcore gabber, this is going to be our last* post of the season. (*Possibly. You never quite know what strangeness might happen between now and Christmas!) So thanks for sticking with us for all these years, for sending us your great tip offs, and for adding a few specks of sunshine to this most complicated of years. 

Have a great next couple of months, however you choose to observe it!

Mr & Mrs Apocalypse

Portugal 2024 - Silk Nobre – Change

 

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above, then rub your eyes in disbelief…)

Do you ever watch a performer embarking into a song and start thinking "No mate, stop, Please stop. For your own good, just back out now!"? We do. Fairly often, in fact. But probably none more just lately than this little beast of an appearance. Seriously, we got just five seconds in before the collective citizens of the Apocalypse sofa started shouting "Noooo!", and "Make it stop!" (that last one was Mrs A, mostly). But somehow, like a car accident or a bad wig, we just couldn't stop staring at it, wondering how it could possibly get worse. But it always did.

To be generous, we can see what Mr Nobre here was trying to do. In the right hands, that whole manic preacher thing could really work in this sphere. In the right hands. But this felt more like you were being accosted at 2:35am by a bloke in a back street dive bar who'd barely said a word all night but who suddenly wants you to join him on some epic adventure - although he can't get as far as the toilet door without stumbling into some tables and knocking all the drinks off.

But what do we know, eh? The lad has dragged his way into the FdC final, somehow, and has been tasked with opening the show… which we fear could be a risky move for RTP if they want to keep hold of a few viewers for the quieter, less barnstorming songs that follow it. It's not as if we weren't warned though. A look at the fella's back catalogue suggests that he's been part of musical aggregations with cringe-making names like Funky Messengers, Mister Lizard and Funk do Boi, so all the signs were there. I mean, we wish him well and all, but really. At least it'll be over quickly on Saturday night.

Switzerland 2024 - Nemo - The Code

(Click here of you can't see the video panel above for something of a medley…)

With all the rush of national finals over the last week or so we forgot to point out a very interesting little song from Switzerland that snuck out and had it climbing up the betting somewhat steadily. "But what genre is it?", you may ask. "Yes," would be our most accurate reply. Indeed, it's one of those.

Young Nemo here is an interesting character, and appears to have crammed their entire artistic showreel into a three-minute chunk of bonkers loveliness. Moody indie pop? Check! Operatic vocal flecks? Check! Unexpected hip hop? Erm, check! Banging bit of post-rave? Look, you know the answer by now. And there's more.

Because The Code is multiple personality disorder carved out in song form, dashing from one thematic idea to another with utter ease while never straying from its linear path. And it's a song that will live or die by its staging come May. It's got the potential of being an absolute showstopper, but could very easily step one foot either side of greatness into dull disappointment or kitchen sink excess. We really can't wait to see how this one turns out, because in a year of potential water-cooler moments, in the right hands, our Nemo could stand out above them all. Exciting times!

Serbia 2024 - Saša Baša & Virtual Ritual - Elektroljubav

 

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above. You'll scarcely believe your eyes…)

Sometimes you wonder what people were thinking in their attempts to plan a Eurovision contender. The boy Baša here appears to have a decent concept regarding our reliance on electronic equipment and personal relationships, but what was the planning meeting like for the staging, you have to wonder.

"Right then, I've gathered you together for the first run through of the staging plans. I'm going to emerge from a festival toilet dressed as a hipster ringleader and I'm going to… what was that? Yes, a Portaloo. Why's that strange? Anyway, I'm going to be reciting an allegorical tale about love, history and technology while you over there sit at a table playing video games in a hoodie, while you over there pretend to play tennis. Obviously. Any questions? No no, don't all speak at once. Trust me, it'll make perfect sense when it's all put together. After a bit more dancing about, we get to the end when a lady in a medieval frock strolls on and we all fall over. So do you all have that? No, wait… where are you all going? Damn, they've gone. Better ring the family…"

Still, it managed to get a single point each from both the jury and the public vote, so it wasn't all bad, eh Saša?

Iceland 2024 - Bashar Murad - Wild West

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above…)

Iceland narrowly missed out on an opportunity to do something really very interesting at the weekend. When it was announced that the Palestinian artist Bashar Murad had declared as a contestant the frosty island nation dashed to the top of the betting in the volatile early fumes of the Eurovision betting market. Of course, the usual grumblers complained for all their usual well-trodden, ill-researched reasons, but Murad does have form in Iceland, having worked with leather-clad local heroes Hatari in the past. But when the song finally emerged it was initially a tad disappointing.

There were many who were hoping for an all out assault on the Israeli state in light of current events in Gaza. The song, however, was a more subtle affair relating to the methods Palestinian peoples have to engage upon in order to get on in life. However, the video was imbued with symbolism and colour-coding, which let us to expect that it was way deeper than we'd ever possibly imagined. Indeed, the Icelandic people took him to their hearts and  got him as far as the Söngvakeppnin superfinal and the song and performance began to get under many of our skins. He couldn't, could he?

Sadly he couldn't. Up against a well-loved local figure in her Bjork, he apparently lost narrowly in a much-criticised two song superfinal format that has cost Iceland some pretty interesting performers in the past after having topped the initial final vote. Indeed, having a system that effectively offers voters an opportunity to vote against as well as for does seem like a bit of an unusual way to do it. But them rules is them rules, and all artists knew them before they entered the contest. However we really fear that Iceland have missed a trick here in choosing a perfectly pleasant and serviceable song that may still struggle to get out of a semi over a song that could have started an international conversation. Their odds on the betting exchanges began to fall rapidly as soon as the superfinal line-up was announced and haven't especially recovered since. Missed topical opportunity of the year, we suspect.

Serbia 2024 - Konstrakta - Novo, Bolje

 

(Click here if you can't see the panel above… Click here if you can't see the panel above… )

Now you might remember Konstrakta from a couple of years back when she sat washing her hands to sing about the lack of healthcare options for artists in Serbia, and how lovely Megan Markle's hair was. Yeah you remember, that handsome woman who scared you a bit when she looked deep into your soul, but who you couldn't take your eyes off for a second. Well she's back, and things are somewhat familiar. Kinda.

At first viewing we soon started to realise that her stage show was filled with very similar motifs to her effort from Turin. This must be deliberate we considered, and started to look into it all - and we're so glad we made the effort, because whole work is borne of some dark artistic genius.

The whole premise of the song is a criticism of the Serbian political sphere, and the title, Newer, Better, refers to the claims of her nation's elected that everything is going to change once they get in - but then after they do very little happens bar mild cosmetic changes to make it appear to be a different regime. And so the performance of the song uses visual cues that are familiar from In Corpore Sano, only just that little bit different. Instead of a water bowl she's kneading bread, the same crew are standing behind her, only in slightly different cloaks, her own outfit is slightly less severe than before, and the dance moves from ICS are repeated, but in different configurations - all interspersed with scenes reminiscent of Renaissance paintings. It's quite quite brilliant.

Of course, in a competition like Eurovision, if you have to explain it, then it probably won't hit with the audience - and especially with elements of fankind who tend not to look too deeply into these things at the best of times. But this feels more like we're floating around in the middle of some long-form performance art piece, and we are most definitely here for it! Bloody marvellous stuff.

United Kingdom 2024 - Olly Alexander - Dizzy

 

(Click here if the video box above doesn't work and sends you, ahem, Dizzy…)

Now then, after and age of teasing beginning with that impromptu appearance on Strictly, the 2024 UK Eurovision entry is finally out, and we must confess we actually quite like it. We wouldn't go so far as to say that we love it, but it's certainly got its charms.

The instrumentation is fabulous, with so many nods to electro pop gems of the past it's almost a bits-and-pieces quiz in itself. And of course, Olly himself sells it perfectly. But somehow it's still missing that blimey wow factor. And that's a concern. Our biggest worry when we heard the snippet was that it sounded like it was probably taken from the chorus, and that we couldn't see where else it could possibly go unless it took an unexpected left turn. But bar that interesting talky bit in the breakdown (which we're fascinated to see how they approach live), you've kind of heard the whole song halfway through the first rotation of the chorus.

It's definitely got a fine atmosphere, and we just know that Olly will sell the absolute bones of it, but still we're sat here going "That's alright that!" rather than "Holy mother of Jesus, that's amazing!!!" like we already have done already at least twice this waking day. Add this to its close proximity to the fated BPM of death (which of course all depends on how you count the beats in this one), and we fear this could end up being everybody's eleventh favourite song this year - and we know where that gets you on the scoreboard, and it certainly ain't eleventh! (But of course, we said something similar about Space Man, so clearly we're just being grumbly Brits!)

The Netherlands 2024 - Joost Klein - Europapa

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above…)

It's been one of the most hotly anticipated songs of the season in some Eurovision circles. As videos began to circulate of the artist commanding massive crowds to leap about like loons to his stadium hardstyle, we all began to wonder if finally we were going to get that massive gurt happy hardcore banger that we've been dreaming of since the eighties! But hold on, some friendly Dutch types told us. The boy Joost is also known for switching it down into some of the most poignant pathos you can ever imagine, so this could have gone one of many ways. And now it's out it sort of did most of them, all in one go. Let me explain.

From the get go it delivered the familiar rattly pianos of late-eighties piano house lunacy, so just as we were riding the build and waiting for the drop… it kinda didn't. OK, let's roll with this. It's still giving us some beautifully silly techno pop bounce, with a smudge more gnarl to the keyboards. Yeah, it wasn't quite what we were hoping for, but we'll certainly take it against the rest of this field. So we were just settling in for the inevitable repetitive playout when BOOM! - it happened.

We're not going to spoil the gorgeous surprise if you've not heard it yet, but boy it was like a joyful punch in the teeth that you'd happily receive over and over again. And then out of the blue, something equally as beautiful happens, but in a totally different way. The last thirty seconds of this song are absolutely streets ahead of anything else in this contest - the issue is, are people going to judge the whole, or just the bit at the start that they vaguely enjoyed before they went back to fiddling with their phones. A difficult call this one, but one that we're very glad is here.