Belarus 2014 - Elena Sinyavskaya - Via Lattea

We appear to have our first fan favourite of the season, and truth be told it's a belter!

You come to expect a few hi nrg pumpers with an operatic warble over the top, but this turbofies the concept to the max. Every last archetype gets ploughed into the well worn furrows, but somehow it comes out sounding euphorically huge.

Even her rabbit-in-the-headlights look, nans hair and slightly shakey vocal on the night couldn't kill it. At times she may have hit notes that could burst a dog's eyes, but at others she evoked the spirit of Jessie Matthews and host of other Bakelite rich matinee songstresses. Such a shame it didn't even come close to bothering the top of the scoreboard!

One suspects we'll be hearing this at Euroclub on more than a couple of occasions come Spring...

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Belarus 2014 - Switter Boys feat. Kate & Volga - Eternal Love

Click here! You'll be sooooo glad you did!

People often ask me why I spend Friday nights indoors watching East European national finals. This is why.

Imagine a disco Chuckle Brothers, add a tall and slightly more vacant Cheeky Girls, and then throw in a golden magic ingredient that;ll make you spit your tea out about half way through - then double it and times it by three. That's how thoroughly terrific this song is. Pure Apocalypse gold!

And even better, it somehow managed to come in equal third on the night! How perfect would a Switter Boys win have been! National final performance of the year so far, no disputing!

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Belarus 2014 - Teo - Cheesecake

After a face-numbingly long interval act, where they must have been trying some serious maths to engender the 'right' winner, somehow, this, erm, song just won the Belarus Song For Europe!

How did that happen?

Its minimal shuffle is punctuated by strange little bumps and tweaks, as the singer, a kind of uber-slimy Pasha Parfeny, leads his slightly-too-manicured beard through some knuckle-gnawingly bad dance moves - as he sings about, erm, cheesecake.

Ah well, Minsk 2016 anyone?

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Romania 2014 - Paula Selling and Ovi - Miracle

Ooh now, popular rumour as it that Paula and Ovi are back, and this this is a shoe in for the Romanian berth in Copenhagen.

The fans are convinced this has only got to turn up to win it. But will the law of diminishing returns prove correct once more?

Possibly, cos it's like their last one, only without the chorus and the excitement...

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Latvia 2014 - Mad Show Boys - I Need A Soul Twin

Click here for pain...

Around a week back, while telling you about the knuckle-gnawingly poor lyric on the Latvian hopeful Cake To Bake, I alluded to the fact that it wasn't in fact the worst bunch of words on the running order of that nation's selection process this year. No, there were some rhyming couplets that were even more cringeworthy, and this is that very beast.

Back then the artists were being kept secret - so imagine my dismay when I discovered that the perpetrators of this lyrical crime were none other than the Mad Show Boys - the crew behind the sublimely smart Latvian near miss Music Thief from 2012.

Was that a fluke? Or are we likely to see some more witty visual riffing when we finally get to witness it in solid form? Who can say at this point. But you'll be adding in your own painful famous pairs long before this rotter of a song finally peters out. Boys, you've let me down. You;d better be brilliant on the telly!

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Estonia 2014 - Lenna - Supernoova

The songs for this year's Eesti Laul are creeping out in dribs and drabs, and while there's nothing of epic Puhh-like proportions to be found yet, there's still the occasional nice little tune hiding in among the slightly safer selection than in many previous years - none less this understated delight from Laul veteran Lenna.

She does her usual video thing of walking purposefully around some nice scenery in warm clothing, but her ice clear vocal and pin sharp annunciation helps take the chorus to some soaring and quite unexpected places.

If Estonia want to leave their entry in a safe pair of hands they could do worse than Lenna. She's got form from her days in Vanilla Ninja, and while this smashing song won't be taking us to Tallin next year, it should bag them a fair few points all the same. Delightful, with a refreshingly crunchy edge.

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Belarus 2014 - Matvei Cooper and DUX - Strippers

Click here for the strangeness...

Now were getting into strange territory. A hamfisted and perhaps slightly disrespectful pub-electro song about what strippers do when they get older?

Did the folks at Belarussian telly actually listen to the words of this one before they shortlisted it for their final? If this wins it's going to open a whole can of worms. Bit of luck it's a pretty poor song - but who ever knows in Belarus!

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Finland 2014 - MadCraft - Shining Bright

Click here for the pop punk delights!

In my unlikely other life as a punk rock singer, I play on a lot of bills with bands exactly like MadCraft. They're young, fresh-faced and enthusiastic, and always cite bands like NoFX, Sum 41 and New Found Glory in their influence lists, where in real life they sound more like McBusted (although for most ESC fans, your only point of reference will be Andorra 2007).

But let's not knock them for that. Their happy-go-lucky bounce and crunchy guitars add a little fun and grit to an otherwise pretty staid UMK line up (although it is rather nicely cleaned and polished grit), and I for one would love to see them take this all the way to Denmark. Not sure it will happen, but a boy can but dream!

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Hungary 2014 - Lil "C" - Break-Up

Last year's terrific Hungarian entry was a bit of anomaly for its national selection process. Usually the best you can hope for are a couple of pneumatic disco dollies and a handful of sombre blokes in shiny suits.

So we have absolutely no idea how this terrific little piece of stripped back, low slung krunk has managed to make the A Dal shortlist! What chain of events could possibly have led to this happening? But I'll tell you what... I'm so very glad it did!

While one suspects that it's doomed for an early exit, I can't wait to see how the C-man carries this minimal gem off on stage. Are going to have the bored looking girls lazily swaying their hips? I should hope so!

My song of the year so far - but probably nobody else's...

*************************STOP PRESS*********************************

Turns out it was too good to be true! By a weird fluke of coincidence it tuns out there's a completely different Lil C doing a completely different song called Break Up in Hungary this year! What are the chances of that happening? Boo!

The real Break Up is a serviceable-yet-dull spot of Euro R'n'B that is still refreshingly un-Hungarian, but, well, not a quarter of the song that I originally thought it was.

See for yourself by clicking here!

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Latvia 2014 - Aarzemnieki - Cake To Bake

The Latvian process in recent times has been significant for the rise in cloyingly cheesy lyrics, and knuckle-gnawingly appalling rhymes. But this year's selection takes the biscuit - or the cake, as it seems in this instance.

Listen to the words of this and you'll shrivel like a slug under salt with pure unabashed embarrassment. But hold hard - it's not even got the worst lyric in the contest... but I've not found a video clip for the other one yet!

Stranger still, this is being offered up as a genuine contender for the boat to Copenhagen. One senses this will be a difficult year.

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Albania 2014 - Xhejsi Jorgaqi - Ëndërrat Janë Ëndërra

Click here for the terror!

The Albanian selection was a surprisingly straight-laced affair, with very little worthy of Apocalypse note.

But I was rather taken with Ms Jorgaqi here for two reasons. The first is her frankly terrifying eyebrows, and the second that the show's director was clearly terrified of them too, and after a couple of early head shots, does as much as he can not to frighten the nans of the nation with that considerable scowl.

You've never seen so many long shots from the back of the hall! And heck, from about halfway through even the portly guitarist gets more face time than her!

There's a bit of an intro on this clip, but the fun starts bang on the minute mark. See how far you can get through without hiding behind the sofa!

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Finland 2014 - Miau - God And Drug

Click here for the ladypop

There's always something to love in the Finnish selection process, and I'm glad to see that they haven't let us down this season. Yes, Miau might look like they're a made up electroclash band straight out of central casting, but their track record suggested that they might offer up some joys, and they most certainly have.

And that title isn't going to endear itself to the more fragile fanboy, either. Good work, girls!

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Lithuania 2014 - Aleksandra Metalnikova - Wild Dances

So Lithuania appear to be doing some manner of Pro-Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, whereby many of their biggest pop artists slightly humiliate themselves by singing popular Eurovision songs of the past in pretty much a straight on karaoke treatment.

Up to now there's been no clever remouldings or interestingly sparse arrangements, although even we weren't expecting quite so literal a version of Ruslana's Wild Dances.

It's all a bit car boot. Bring back the usual Lithuanian first round mentalists - they were much more fun!

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Ukraine 2014 - Maria Yaremchuk - Tick Tock

For the live performance from the national final, click here...

We have our first actual selected song for Copenhagen 2014 after Ukraine hosted this season's first national final in their usual curious mid afternoon slot. And what a song. No, it's not especially good, but it seems like a distillation of every Eurovision-by-numbers tune of the last fifteen years.

How many things can you think of that rhyme with Tick and Tock? The one that springs to mind is very appropriate...

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Kemerovo 2013 - Çıldız Tannakeşeva - Şoriya'nın Unu (from Turkvision)

Click here for joy!

Turkey, somewhat churlishly, pulled out of this year's Eurovision, partly because it had the hump after a couple of years of disappointing results, but also because it had the concept of Turkvision up its sleeve.

Ostensibly a project to unite the Turkic world in song, the show gathered artists from many well known countries with significant Turkic populations, and some smaller regions and oblasts from around Europe and Asia (although funnily enough, it was mainly the larger countries who made it through to the final on the SMS vote).

It was as much a fascinating geography lesson as much as a singing show, and despite being of variable quality there were some real gems on show, not least this fascinating piece from the West Siberian Oblast of Kemerovo - a song apparently about the quality of the local flour, but sounding more like a punch up down the petting zoo. If they ever had a wolf petting section.

Rather disappointingly it didn't make it through to Saturday's final, so take this chance to revel in five and a half truly hypnotic minutes.

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