Georgia 2009 - Gay Stalin - I Want You Back

Think you've seen Georgian Jocker Anri Jokhadze somewhere before? Ladies and gentlemen, let me tweak your memories and reintroduce you to the quite astounding Gay Stalin!

2009 was the year when seemingly everything in the Georgian final seemed to be having a less-than-subtle dig at their burly neighbours north of the border, and we can only imagine they created this gem to raise some bushy eyebrows in the Kremlin.

But aside from all that nonsense, it's also fun watching the many, many costume changes not always going to plan!

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San Marino 2012 - Valentina Monetta - The Social Network Song (OH OH – Uh - OH OH)

If you listen really, really closely, that dull squeaky sound you can hear is a turd being polished...

Oh my San Marino... what have you done?

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Slovenia 2012 - Eva & Nika Prusnik - Malo Srece

Although most of the attention in the Slovenian final went on the two songs in the superfinal, the Prusnik twins also had another couple of crackers up for contention - not least this little slice of Yugo-nostalgic shuffle pop.

OK, so their pasty beige shorts were a tad unseemly, but the song itself was an infectious, jazzy, Andrews Sisters-for-Tito kind of number. And on this kind of form, one suspects that this won't be the last time we'll be seeing this pair in the EMA - and maybe even, if we're lucky, the bigger show itself...

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UK 2012 - Engelbert Humperdinck - Love Will Set You Free

So then, Engelbert's song for the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest has finally been revealed. We were torn whether it would be a Cash/Jones/Diamond style career reboot, or a return to the familiar crooning lounge style that made him the huge name (heh!) he is today. So what have we actually got?

Oh my... it's lovely!

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San Marino 2012 - Valentina Monetta - Facebook Uh Oh Oh

Erm San Marino? Did you read the section in the rule book about songs containing brand names? (Or did they sneakily annul that one this year?) What's even worse is that our mad old German uncle Ralph Siegal wrote it. Whatever the heck were they thinking? A three minute advert for huge global business? With the range of arcane advertising licencing laws around dotted around Europe? That's surely never going to happen? Is it?

Oh, and the song itself? Cringeworthy cobblers!

We can only hope they've got a killer song on standby...

***STOP PRESS***

The EBU have posted a cease of desist order on this curious little ditty, informing them that they've either got to remove all references to the trademarked name of Facebook, or supply an entirely new song by the end of next week. It's a Crazy World, eh...

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Sweden 2012 - Thorsten Flinck & Revolutionsorkestern - Jag Reser Mig Igen

One if my favourite things about the Melodifestivalen is that every now and again, something so intrinsically Swedish pops up that it leaves the rest of us in Europe scratching our heads as to what's going on.

This year's contest dealt us a rather skittish gentleman called Thorsten Flinck. As a noted actor, rabble rouser and general character he's both beloved and feared by the Swedish public - think a kind of mash up of Nick Cave, Ray Winstone and any murderer Paul Bettany has played - and his slightly smokey and unsettling shanty sailed through the second chance round and into the final.

As to be expected, the international juries hated it. But as the televotes started to come in and Thorsten had yet to register a score, for one brief, beautiful moment you could hear the collective worry of a nation muttering "Oh shit, we've sent Flinck!" under their breaths. Now that would have been a chuckle!

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Russia 2012 - Farinelli Balls - Breath Away Song

As sophisticated a nation as Russia undoubtedly is, a limp popera tune about an 18th century castrato sung by a gaggle of pregnant goths and a man in a blouse sporting a floppy quiff was perhaps just a bit too high concept, even for them!

Friki spotters are going to particularly enjoy this one.

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Greece 2012 - Eleftheria Eleftheriou - Aphrodisiac

I'm not saying Greece are skint or owt, but they held their national final under the escalators in a shopping mall.

For some reason My Lovely Horse keeps springing to mind. Still, I suppose they went for the most Greek sounding one of the four...

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Moldova 2010 - Pasha Parfeny - You Should Like

Moldova's selection is always packed with plucky triers who keep entering year after year in the hope that one day it might be their turn. So well done to Pasha Parfeny who finally grabbed the big prize after loads of half-decent stabs at it.

We've already mentioned last year's cracking Dorule elsewhere on these pages, but I'd all but forgotten his 2010 entry... until I watched this clip, that is.

Interesting staging there, Pasha...

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Moldova 2012 - Pasha Parfeny - Lautar

Three and three quarter hours it took to choose this, and as always, the result felt a little bit fishy at the end. Still, pasha's got a bouncy enough little tune, and the zombie kung fu brides backing him make it an entertaining enough little show. Could do with a trifle more song, mind, but we can't have everything.

But believe me, this isn't the last you've seen of the Moldovan final, oh mercy!

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Sweden 2012 - Loreen - Euphoria

The build up to Loreen's eventual coronation was enormous, causing a virtual civil war among the rank and file Eurovision fan. You either loved the song to the extent that you considered the poor lass the second coming of our good lady in blue, or hated her as if she was the devil witch from some kind of evil space dungeon.

So I feel kind of a bit out of place in that I don't really mind it, really. It's got a touch of that late 90s Ibiza beach party vibe to it, right down to the rather telling title - although I understand how to a good many ESC fans this still feels rather contemporary.

One thing's for sure though, from the moment it starts you just can't take your eyes off the gal. Whether her slightly kooky wind-blown spot of interpretive dance in her Nan's housecoat will go down well across the continent as a whole though is an entirely different matter.

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Romania 2012 - Bianca Purcarea - Don't Say Sorry

Imagine the scene. You've battled for the chance to represent your country at Eurovision. You're drawn last but one in your national final and as the night goes on, the nerves are building and your throat is getting tighter.

Finally it's your turn to perform. A whole nation are watching in anticipation, but as you start to sing you realise that you can't hear yourself particularly well. But it's OK, you'll battle through...

What follows is one of the most uncomfortable three minutes of the Eurovision season so far. I think the faces of the backing singers say it best. Poor, poor girl.

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Serbia 2012 - Zeljko Joksimovic - Synonym/Nije Ljubav Stvar

An open letter to Zeljko Joksimovic.

Now I'm not one of these moaning types who insist that you should only sing in your own language at Eurovision. In fact I've always held by the opinion that you should sing in whatever language you feel most comfortable in, and the one you feel will give you the best advantage in the wider competition.

But when you sing in Serbian it feels all dark and mysterious. You could be singing your phone bill for all we know, but it would still sound important and atmospheric. However, when you translate it to English we can pick out every cheesy rhyming couplet and some terribly cliched lyrical imagery. Heck, at times it sounded like an Irish entry, and we don't want that.

Do yourself a favour mate. Stick to what you know, and leave the stilted English to the lesser countries. It's much less cringeworthy for the rest of us when you do.

Lots of love, Roy D Hacksaw

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Estonia 2012 - Orelipoiss - Zombi

Jaan Pehk's last couple of Eurovision efforts, including last year's fabulous grass solo, and his cracking little pop tune with Köök a couple of years before, suggested that his latest stab at Eurovision glory might be a cracker as well.

And while this sombre folksy ballad certainly had its merits, we suspect he shouldn't have got Mike Leigh into to direct the staging…

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Russia 2012 - Syostry Syo - Une Marionette

With all the attention and TV advertising showered upon the top three of Dima/Julia, rapper Timati and the fabulous nans, you may not have noticed that there were another 22 songs in the contest. So what actually came fourth, you might wonder.

This.

It appears to be two teenage girls arguing about an accordian – in French –  but I have absolutely no idea what the flipping heck is actually going on. See if you've got any idea...

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