Estonia 2020 - Viinerid - Kapa Kohi-LA

Whatever has happened to our once beautiful Eesti Laul? It used to be that the first reveal of the Laulish runners and riders was like a dream pop mix tape slipped into your pocket by some impossibly impish pixie girl at a party in the woods. And then the Puhh happened and it all got delightfully batshit and noisy for a couple of years. But over the last few seasons it's got increasingly beige in hue, and now we've finally been offered a slate of songs that's as bland and unpalatable as watery mash.

So thank heavens, just about, for Viinerid. In any normal year they'd have probably slipped down the back of our attention sofa, flanked as they would have been by classy pop and unhinged noodlings. But this year they're just about the best that we've got amongst a field of sad bois, sulky girls and terrible pub bands, so we'd better enjoy them with relish!

Actually, relish is rather an appropriate term, as the band's name is the local description for a Vienna Sausage, and their video consists mainly of said meaty tubes having a right old sing song. And we're told that the song's name is a play on the name of the tiny town of Kapa Kohlia, whose railway station is so lightly used that it's become the local byword for back of beyond. So as a small town operation ourselves we can only identify with these plucky village heroes, however lightweight their effort may be.

One has to hope that this is going to be an absolute belter live. Please let it be. Please let it.

Ukraine 2020 - Alex Angel - Get Love (Kissing Show)

Warning! This clip is for people with a strong stomach for painfully cringeworthy business only!

 I must say that, despite this year's slow start to proceedings, I've been resisting posting this grotty little beast for more than a week now. By now we should all be aware of the slightly grim sex pestiness of Mr Angel's video ouevre. Indeed, he's spent most of the last year since least we saw him advertising for girls who like kissing on camera. But he seems to have surpassed himself here.

This is genuinely the song that he's telling people he's entered for this year's contest - so it's either an excerpt, a remix, or he's completely lost his mind this time. The only consolation here is that despite his desperate efforts to join in, the two unfortunate girls on view here seem more interested in each other than letting the little fella get involved.

And while one always wants to be generous, and kinda hope that it's all a parody, I'm possibly not the only one who suspects that it's far from that. Surely this kind of behaviour can only either end with a prison sentence or a thorough beating from somebody's irate Dad.

I think we've reached maximum Apocalypse here - and not in a good way. Mr Bognibov is seriously going to have to up his game this term.

Slovenia 2020 - Marmoris - Moj Pristan

(Click here to embark upon the great folly that is ESC 2020...)

About bloody time, Eurovision!

It has long been a tradition here at Apocalypse to post a review of the first song we hear in each passing on season - however terrible or dreary that it is. But we've not had to wait until beyond the middle of November in a long, long time. It's like everybody's been scared to the the first, this time round. So thank heavens for Slovenia's EMA Freš concept, that gives a lot of plucky triers a bit of a go at getting onto EMA proper with their home produced videos and earnest looks at the camera.

Well, I say thank heavens. That was more in relief that we've finally got going than the quality of the songs that I heard. But the Marmoris boys here shall be remembered in history as the first aspiring entry that we heard in the 2020s - long after any recollection of its actual dreariness has subsided.

Which is a shame, 'cos a serious looking bloke rapping in a Slavic language, interspersed by and even more serious fella emoting with a deep, minor key voice is usually catnip to these pages. But sadly this pair look like they've just popped out for lunch from work in an office where no one's quite sure what the company actually does, to swiftly record a clip for the telly, then nip back an hope nobody's missed them. This was the second take.

But all this is irrelevant. The season is upon us and we must rejoice. Huzzah! 

(PS Can we have Switzerland's freakazoid open application system back soon please? We're missing that bonkers alcaholic choir!)

Belarus 2019 - Eva Kogan - Run

Now here's a cautionary tale about electing not to sing in your own language. English may be something of a lingua franca in the musical world, but if you're going to attempt to try to sing in it, you should at least have something of a minimal grasp of its shape and grammar.

Witness poor Eva here. She obviously thought she was onto a good thing, beating our very own Daz Sampson to the final and all, but she really should have revised her language of choice decision. Because, well, it's fair to say that we were the best part of a third of the way through the song before we realised that she was having a stab at our mother tongue. But still we weren't sure, and the Apocalypse sofa was pulled closer and closer to the screen to try and pick out little packets of syllables that we recognised.

But we're not mocking her for her lack of language skills. She did a darn sight better than I ever would have attempting to sing the song in Belarussian - or just about any other language, to be honest. But if you're trying to display emotion in a big old plod of a ballad, it's useful to have even the tiniest grasp of what you're singing about, rather than remembering word shapes from an unfamiliar tongue. Fair play for giving it a go, Eva, but let this be a lesson to you if you ever try and enter a song again. Because this was at near Ken Lee levels of language mangling, bless you.

Serbia 2019 - Dženan Lončarević - Nema Suza

Serbia has been the source of some dark entertainment this season. The social unrest in the nation has surely filtered through to the contest and there's a lot of introspection, and in many cases downright bleak entries on their slate this year. But more more visually arresting than this.

From our less than perfect grasp of Slavic languages, we surmise that this is a song about a mother whose bright, artistic son has gone to war, and while she waits for him to return she knits figurative strands of hurt and worry to show her painful longing. But then it all gets a bit interpretive dancey and a giant ball of wool comes on and unravels before her - and the it begins to get really strange. And gloomy. And boy has it ever got a downbeat ending.

But even though this occasionally borders on the silly to the Western eye, this is a heartfelt song with one eye on the nation's troubled past that will really tug at the heartstrings back home. The song itself is the standard Balkan ballad that builds and drops in all the right places, and is sung incredibly well by Mr Lončarević, despite him looking like he's come straight from work at the accounts department in the rope factory.

There may be undertones and nuances to this song that we don't readily understand on this side of the continent, so I may reserve full judgement until I see a more contextual reading of the storyline. But on face value this has a surprising amount going for it, and the visuals, however odd and jarring they may appear at first, make up for the singer's lack of charisma, and I wouldn't begrudge seeing this in Israel (as it stands). File under songs you didn't think that you'd like, but you kind of sort of do.

Serbia 2019 - Mr Doo - Do 100

When you're trying to get yourself selected for a national final as one of a dozen songs there are many things that you can do to stand out. An interesting dance routine, perhaps, or maybe some visually attractive outfits. Or maybe you can do as many have and have some manner of crazy prop on stage to take people's minds off how ordinary your song is. But there can't be many people who've ever considered doing this.

I really don't want to give much away, as this is best experienced for yourself, but you do wonder what in the name of heavens they were thinking off when they cooked up this arch presentational scheme. The jury's still out in Apocalypse Towers as to whether this is a stroke of artistic genius or a really ill-judged and distracting own goal when they had a song that could just about have dragged its way into the qualifying top six.

But the only juries that actually matter ignored it to such an extent that even a minicab driver with a bloke scrawling a painting out behind him beat it to the final. So enjoy this for yourself and see whether you can make head nor tail of it!


***STOP PRESS***

We're hearing that this singular performance may have something to do with the recent assault of a Serbian opposition Borko Stefanovic and the ongoing street protests in Belgrade. So if any of you know any more, please do let us know in the comments below!

Portugal 2019 - Surma - Pugna

Portugal has most certainly got its freak on this year, and in ways that we heartily approve of. We were fully expecting last week's shenanigans from Mr Osiris, but Surma's superb visual arts exhibition last night knocked us sideways. I mean, we already loved the micro minimal atmosphere of the song itself, but the presentation last evening had us holding our collective breath again, barely breathing in case our wheezy lungs obscured a tiny pink of sound.

There were many things we loved about this performance - the style, the delivery, the dancing - but our favourite thing of all was the awkward shuffling from the middle-aged men in the crowd behind who really weren't getting it at all. Which in our book means job done, Surma!

And the biggest surprise of the lot was that it topped the jury poll! How did that happen? Were they second guessing public mood after last week? Were they practising for the final? Or did they genuinely love this creepy, gentle, oppressive, lovely performance as much as we did? We hope so.

All of which, though, sets us up for a fascinating final next week. Will this nick some of the cool points off Conan, allowing something more usual through the middle, or will this soar in its own right, giving us a quite unexpected and much welcome top two? We really can't wait!

Poland 2019 - Tulia - Pali Się

So we already heard that the rather marvellous Tulia were to represent Poland in the big show, but we hadn't been graced with the title of the song yet. So after a quick skirt around their videos we were faced with a choice between lovely introsdpective local folk, and more beaty tunes like this one. We rather hoped for the latter - although either would have sufficed to be fair.

And then last night the rumour mill cranked into overdrive that this would indeed be their entry! Huzzah! (I thought). Then immediately set to worrying, as the intro and verses are just a little bit similar to Hey Bulldog by The Beatles. Not Petruska similar (as in totally the bloody same, obv) but just a tad reminsicent. So some dullard's bound to pick up on it and try to get the thing DQ'd!

And this live video also raises another issue. The whole standing-stock-still-in-a-line schtick workd briollaint in video form, and even probably at a gig watching them. But it's going to need a whole load of fancy camerawork to inject some life and excitement into it on a bit Eurovision stage.

But I'm not complaining too much - if this is indeed the chosen one, the chorus is probably my fave moment of all the songs selected so far, and their alt historic look and sound is absolutely flipping fabulous! This could be interesting!

Slovenia 2019: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi

Slovenia proved once again last night that sometimes we can have nice things. We must confess though that this one passed us by in clip form, so we'd almost completely forgotten about it. But from the second their slot began last night we were captivated, scarcely breathing for the full three minutes we were in such thrall.

The intimacy of this delicate and understated performance, which drew us into the stage up alongside them and let us enter into their innocent, fragile world. Bless it, we thought, that'll be the last we ever see of it - and although we'd have been happy to see it in a superfinal, we never imagined that it would quietly sneak its way past all that bombast to get there.

And when it did, we were delighted. But we never thought it would come anywhere close to knocking the besainted Raiven off her destiny-encrusted perch. Oh they did! What a terrific result. Could even their closest family have see then one coming?

The next concern is how it's going to work on that big stage in May. It could very easily get lost in amongst all that noise. But remember, there's always a sweet, understated song that confounds all expectations and does surprisingly well. So this could very easily be the next Kedvesem or When We Are Old - they just have to keep the stage show exactly as it is and not feel the temptation to dissipate that charm and intimacy by putting fire and dancers on stage along with them. Nice, and incredibly surprising pick, Slovenia. You are officially the new Eesti Laul!

Iceland 2019 - Elli Grill, Skaði, Glymur - Jeijó, Keyrum Alla Leið

So last week Iceland smashed through the beige curtain with the utter fabulosity of the Hatari brothers. So I guess the nice folks at RUV figured they ought to bring a little bit more of the strange this week. Only this time they thought they'd chuck in all of the leftover bits from the last few Christmases, rattling it about before tipping it all out on a stage to see what happened.

This is what happened...

Israel 2019 - Kobi Marimi - Fuego

(Click here to see and hear a strange anomaly...)

So it could have been a whole lot worse, but after a long-winded and often confusing affair, Israel finally chose their representative for the home turf entry this year. In a contest that went back to November, but feels like it's gone on so long that I'm convinced my nan sung in it in her twenties, the good folks of the Levant chose a singer who on first inspection doesn't seem terribly promising.

He sounds like a haunted chimney, looks like that bloke from the first week of the internet who played table tennis and said "I kiss you!", and carries all the charisma of a Poundstretcher cheese slice - but somehow you can't stop looking at him.

Is it because his leather jacket is more animated than him? Is it because he looks at you under his eyes like a dog who's shit in the cupboard but knows you haven't found it yet? Or maybe it's because you now know what Sacha Baron Cohen would have looked like in the lead role in Bohemian Rhapsody? But whatever it is, I really can't wait to see what song they finally provide him to sing in Eurovision proper. It could be compelling for so many different reasons.

In the meantime, here's a man with the demeanour of a lonely tree singing Fuego.


PS On reflection, I've probably been a bit mean to the fella. By all accounts he's a lovely chap who's been through a lot in his life. And he won this contest with ease, so he's clearly got something about him, and doesn't need me calling him clever names. But it's not half as bad as he's going to get when Eurovisionia gets their teeth into him. Pray, for his sake, that the song's a blinder!

Israel 2019 - Shefita - You Oughta Know

The Israelis choose who they're going to send to Eurovision tonight, and the final four make a really interesting - if not potentially troubling - mix. On paper this is Kitria's contest to win. A member of the Black Hebrew Israelites community, she's not only an incredible singer, but would fit into the organisers' mission statement of celebrating diversity this year. However, she has some complicated competition.

The inclusion of Maya Bouskilla in this list is a slightly contentious one, not least in that she's not exactly The New Star this show purports to be looking for, as she had a not incosiderable music career in the early days of the century, and has occasionally been suggest as the choice for Eurovision proper down the years. She would however be a safe pair of hands, and would deliver ably anything - well most things - that Israeli telly threw at her. Although it would be a stunningly safe choice.

Kobi Marimi is another strange choice. For a man so seemingly devoid of charisma or delivery, he's become the centre of this year's soapy storyline, but his meat and potatoes style would surely not translate down the TV screens of a continent and beyond.

But the most contentious contender is one Shefita. A character created by the Jewish comedian Rotem Shefy, she performs in the guise of an Israeli Arab, using exaggerated actions and accents over code Palestinian music styles to hammer home her comedy point. Her progress through the competition has divided viewers, with many thinking it's just a bit of harmless fun, with many more suggesting that bringing this kind of act to Israeli screens in the current climate is ill-advised at best and divisive at worst - not to mention the potential PR disaster it would bring to Eurovision proper should it win.

Local TV critics assumed that she was being kep in the competition to keep the ratings high with a little bit of jeopardy, but now there's a very real possiblity that this highly localised and somewhat tactless in joke could be representing their nation on a major international platform.

Tonight's final could easily go one of four ways, and there'll be a whole lot more people besides Tuesday night telly watchers and ESC fans keeping a close eye on tonight's goings on, that's for certain.

Slovenia 2019 - Raiven - Kaos

After a tantalisingly promising clip, Raiven's EMA excursion has finally dropped - quite literally - and boy it's a belter! It's got so many booms, drops and whomps it's like a trip back to 2011, stomping about in a crumbling dubstep den in Croydon once those musics finally embraced the pop.

It's utterly bonkers and unsongy, of course, but that's part of its charm, the sweeps and swoops keeping you on your toes as the icy maiden starkly oozes out her words - kaos mainly - and does a little spikey rap bit in the middle. At times there's so much going on that it sounds like a school party has gone berserk in a synth factory - but that's only to its credit, as it gives it until energet and verse.

I cansee the staging now - Raiven standing stark still, looking cold and incredible in an indescribeably angular outfit, while skinny girls in the now-prerequisie garb dart and gyrate around her. It'll utterly bomb should it get to Tel Aviv, as it's too niche and noisy for the nans of Europe and too dated for the clued up pop kids, but I still really hope it gets there, because raiven deserves her turn, and she'll never have a better sounding song than  this!

***STOP PRESS***

Despite all our ealry bellyaching this just didn't work live, and just sounded like she was saying 'COWS!' a lot. Oh well, next year, Raiven?

Serbia 2019 - Lana i Aldo - Pogledaj U Nebo

The big fat list of Serbian hopefuls was released this morning, and among the parade of big buildo ballads and Balkan pop bangers sit this rather unexpected piece of work. And trust us, it's a bit special - although possibly in the right ways.

Effectively it sounds like an entirey eighties stage musical condensed into three minutes - complete with overtures, character development, proggy interlude, and lots of clappy singalong bits and farty trumpets. It is, of course, utterly bonkers, but promises to offer one heck of a stage show come Beovizija time - especially as it sounds as though there's a cast of at least fifty voices singing along to it!

The title translates to approximately Look At The Sky, and them Serbians will certainly be doing that if they pick this unhinged gem to go to Israel. Oh please do it, you lot. If only so that we can see the dazzled gaze of the first fifty rows once it's finished.

Ukraine 2019 - Letay - Myla Moya

Ukraine is a beauteous place. The Vidbir shows are always packed with ludicrous stage mechanics, thinly veiled nationalist statements and overtly sexualised performances - CoughMaruvCough - but somehow this little jobby managed to fit the entire shopfront of Kitchen Sinks 'R' Us into his performance and still manage to come nowhere.

It starts off a little carnyville, employing equal measures of The Greatest Showman and Sideshow Bob into the act, before he leaps into a chorus that sounds lifted from a carboot sale that Matt Bellamy from Muse was managing. Then he goes for a little walkabout and we meet all sorts of not-quite-steampunk characters, to the clockwork keyboard dolls to a little gymnast girls that it appears Mr Letay is under clear instructions no to touch - but he occasionally forgets, getting short shrift to the precocious mite.

And just when you're thinking "The only thing that would make this more ludicrous would be if a juggler arrived on a unicycle," a juggler arrives on a unicycle and it starts getting even more meta. But somehow it manages to cram even more layers of more into the three minutes with an admittedly pretty daring/foolish exit.

If anyone manages to cram more than this amount of ridiculously silly addenda into a show between now and the end of the season, get me on the phone immediately, because if I don't see it with my own eyes I could scarcely believe it could happen!