Germany 1986 - Mister Fisto - Rein Und Klar, Wie's Früher War

One of the by products of running this blog is that people send you links to all kinds of non-qualifiers from Eurovision history. Usually it's just some warbling old bird in an eye-melting frock. But every now and again something truly marvelous pops up in my mailbox.

Let me introduce you to Mister Fisto…

Somehow this came eleventh of twelve in the German final of 1986, but it is one of the finest things you'll ever see with your own eyes. The fun starts at about 50 seconds…

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Israel 2013 - Moran Mazor - Rak Bishvilo

Here's this year's Israeli entry. It's a simple ballad sung by a homely and uncomplicated looking lass. So what do they dress her up as?

A porno Nana Mouskouri!

Let's hope someone gives her stylist a good kicking before Malmo, because really, you won't know where to  put your eyes! If every anyone ever qualified for the big show despite their frock, this was it!

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Moldova 2013 - Ruslan Ţaranu - Amadeus

(Heaven is just a click away…)

Some songs don't need too much explaining. Just sit back and enjoy this little beauty from the first Moldovan semi-final (where it somehow came last in the public vote!).

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Italy 2013 - Marco Mengoni - L’essenziale

Italy have kept us waiting for an age to announce their winner, and wouldn't you know it, it was the one that we all thought it was going to be in the first place.

And it's another ballad… *sigh*

At least it's being sung by Private Walker off Dad's Army…

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Romania 2013 - Tudor Turcu - Hello

As staging concepts go, this was a brave one. Spend the whole song with your back to the audience, trying to paint a picture of girl standing ten feet away while singing your song - on live television.

There was so much that could have gone wrong, but the admirable Mr Turcu pulled it off with some aplomb. I was lucky enough to be sat in the green room for this final, and of all the songs on the show, this is the one that drew the most gasps from the folks sat around the back.

Didn't do him a lot of good, mind, as the poor lad came a distant sixth. Good effort, though. Can't remember how the song wen't, mind...

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Macedonia 2013 - Esma and Vlatko - Pred Da Se Razdeni

Macedonia clearly thought that there weren't enough ballads in the contest, and decided to bin their perfectly fine original choice Imperija, and replaced it with this rather usual spot of  Balkan gloomery.

And unlike their previous stab, it only really picks up when Esma's on.

So they've gone from having a genuine top five contender in its own right to a tune that will probably only qualify off the back of Esma's good name out in the Ex-Yugos. or have I missed something?

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Azerbaijan 2013 - Aysel Babayeva - Sleazy Mo

(Click here for a difficult listen)

Some songs you want to make it through to Eurovision proper on just their name alone!

Watch this video from the Azeri final and wonder quite how she got through an exacting qualification process, plus a four-day semi-final. And yes, she is singing in English!

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Montenegro 2013 - Who See - Igranka

Montenegro, I love you!

Looking at their track record, I knew Who See were gong to deliver something a bit special, but even I never expected this crunchy electronic noise fest!

Here we see the two archetypally growly Balkan rappers prowl about menacingly, before the face-melting dubstep portion hits - and boy it's brutal! The first five rows of inflatable hammer weilding Malmo punters will be reduced to cinders if they turn this one up loud!

So often this year some two bob producer has tried to crowbar a dubstep element into a song in the hope of looking hip. This one feels like they people who made it know exactly what they were doing! Good work boys! You've made a right belter!

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Serbia 2013 - Nenad Milosavljević - Ruža Od Baruta

There haven't been enough world-weary old boys singing doleful tales of the old days this year. That's why I was delighted to see old Nenad here in the Serbian semi.

Surprisingly for someone with such a long and illustrious history in his local music scene he didn't even make it out of his heat. Which was a darned shame, cos we'd have loved to have seen the bloses with sticks again.

We'd also liked to have found out a little more about his song, the title of which translates roughly as Rose Of Gunpowder. Now that's poetry, man!

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Serbia 2013 - Ksenija Kočetova - Svetla Pale Se Za Nas

It's been rather a quiet year on the old ill-advised stage presentation this year, shy of a few duff frocks and a couple of pairs of brown shows. Which was why we were so delighted to see this little beauty.

What do you think that they were actually thinking of with this little set up? The song's title translates roughly as 'The Lights Are Lit For Us', so I can only assume that their big rubber box is supposed to be some manner of figurative switchboard analogy. Probably. Looks more like on of those Whack-a-Mole machines you get at the seaside to me.

Anyone got a big rubber mallet?

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

UK 2013 - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me

Oh my.

After months of rumours about a whole raft of vaguely interesting contemporary pop acts, ranging from Girls Aloud to Paloma Faith to Jessy J to (at a push) Alexandra Burke, a number of British papers are sneaking out the news that the UK have chosen a true megalith of history.

Bonnie Tyler.

Oh well.

Let's hope that it's all part of some massive disinformation push, and that they're actually going to reveal that it's One Direction - or better still, Motorhead - in a week or so.

And if it is the throaty Ms Tyler, let's hope it's not the drear of a song that the papers are suggesting.

Who we sending next year? Bruce Forsyth?

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Armenia 2013 - Gor Sujyan and Dorians - Lonely Planet

When I kept hearing the words 'Black Sabbath' and 'Tony Iommi' stabbing out among the unfamiliar tongue at the end of the Armenian selection show last week, I never for imagined that one of metal's most groundbreaking guitarists had actually written the winning song.

Not because it was Armenia, mind. Iommi has a long connection with the Caucasian nation, holding charity shows out there and providing music tuition for young children with an eye on being rock performers.

No, I was more surprised because it wasn't actually very good.

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

The Netherlands 2013 - Anouk - Birds

When most countries debut their forthcoming Eurovision entry, they can do it in a number of ways. Many create a special TV show that includes an interview with the artist and selections of their best work and a whole load of special guests. Usually someone from Malta.

Others announce it with a fanfare and a press conference and all kinds of showbiz hoo-haa. Not the Dutch. They like to do things differently. Instead, Anouk chose to sing the song to a local radio station, down a crackly phone line, from her sickbed. Two years ago*. Now that's what I call rock'n'roll!

*They're mucking around with the first public performance rule again. It's gone a bit like the offside rule in football - nobody knows what the heck is going on until somebody flashes a card, and then we can all moan about it.

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Belarus 2013 - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

The Belarussian final was so long ago that new born babes have grown tall and got beards since Alyona Lanskaya's Rhythm Of Love was selected. It's also been the longest spell in history that a Belarussian entry has gone unchanged. But sadly for Rhythm Of Love, it stumbled coming around the final bend and let a whole new tune come zooming by in its place. So near, yet...

But it's replacement, Solayah, is a perky little number all the same, with the obligatory Belarussian  dulcimer think, and those over blown ethnicky drums thumping about in background. In fact, unusually for  one of their entries, people seem to like it, and it might just lead to a rare decent finish in the big show.

But let's spare a thought for the poor discarded song, and wonder why the poor lass is laying about on a dartboard at the start...

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.

Serbia 2013 - Moje 3 - Ljubav Je Svuda

You suspect there's a narrative concept to this surprise Serbian finalist. Lass in white comes on, warbles a bit, before a girl in a devil jumper starts shouting. Hmm, good and evil battling in song, you consider - before a blonde piece in a clammy looking gold frock struts on and confuses matters.

Then there's a bit of school drama club level acting where you suspect it's a devil and angel acting as the conscience of the gal in gold, before it all loses its way and you lose track of what was actually supposed to be happening.

In the end it gives you the vibe of either a shit hen night or a gaggle of birthday strippers you'd send back to head office with a voucher claiming your money back. I'll bet it goes and wins now. It;s been that wonky a year!

Videos from YouTube. Underlying © lays with the owners of the clips.