Friday, 10 February 2017

Romania 2017 - Berniceya - Ice Cream

We are an equal opportunity employer here at Apocalypse. Some songs are here because they reach deep into the human soul and make you think deeply about the world around you. Some because they're so knuckle-gnawingly terrible that they need sharing with a bigger audience just so that we can all feel better about ourselves in these difficult times.

And some just make you want to burn all your clothes and bathe in acid to wash away the nastiness.

This song is from that third category.

First there's the vocal delivery, all syrupy and glutenous, with waaay too many woahs and yeahs. Then there's the lyric - a thinly veiled allegory for shagging using frozen deserts as an excuse. And then there's Berniceya herself. I'm sure she's a lovely woman in real life, but her on stage demeanour made the enamel on my teeth crumble as I watched.

Seriously, you won't be able to watch this without cringing like a slug being peppered with salt, one small grain at a time...


  1. Not to be disrespectful to all involved... but we feel ever so slightly violated. We feel bad for music and we feel bad for ice cream everywhere. Dear Berniceya has just ruined ice cream forever. And metaphors.

  2. I have new appreciation for the poetic metaphors of the fisherman song.

  3. It makes one feel proper dirty upon even half a listen, eh!

  4. hey I think you are missing the point that this song was not entirely hers.
    Basically she and her producing team took the song changed the music and lyrics and badly produced to try to make it different...not cool, but also not cool the way you decribe someone's work, do I see your songs anywhere?nope, do something with your life rather than complaining and critisizing others around you.It's creepy, and seriously, it's sad.Inform yourself before you talk.

  5. Have you ever read a review before? If you think this was harsh you should have seen some of the things you'd have got had the song qualified for the final 15! And were you not describing my work in the same manner? Have you seriously never said anything harsh about a song or performance you didn't like? if not, then fair enough, but I suspect you might have done.

    You see, I wasn't even especially harsh on Berniceya. She looks like a great kid - but this song and performance has been evoking laughs right across Eurovision fandom. The thing is, if you're going to put your creations into the public sphere you're going to have to expect criticism - especially if there are elements that are not entirely up to scratch.

    And yes, you can see my songs all over the web, and I expect them to be held up to the same kind of constructive criticism that I hold others up to. It's a free exchange of ideas, and the very root of a lively, free press. Perhaps it was you who should have informed themselves before they talked.

  6. There are several expensive ice cream machines
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  7. Congratulations! You've just been dubbed the best random spam mail we've ever had on this blog! Good work!

    But there's one very good reason why your company can never work in the UK...


  8. Dear Roy, you are a very good critique regarding someone else work, but please, can I see some of your work in any domains, such as music, film, animation, poetry etc ? Can you answer to my question?
    If you check Bernice's musical activities, I can't see you even in her shadow.
    So, will be better next time to be a bit clever before to open your mouth, and so people will don't find how much nullity contains your brain...Please, think about it 🤔

  9. Thank you for your comments, dear Kalipsos, but I think you have a deep misunderstanding of what journalistic criticism actually is. It's neither a mere fluffing of the artist's ego, nor a bland description of events that occur without any kind of qualitative analysis. Also, had you read any of the rest of this blog you will have seen the tone of the place. Critical, attemptedly humorous, but usually kind and encouraging.

    And aren't your comments about my work no better than mine about Berniceya's? Going by your own standards, what puts you in a position worthy of criticising my artistic endeavour in such a way? There is no difference.

    I don't usually blow my own trumpet about the things that I've done, but seeing as you've asked: I've been an award winning journalist for more than twenty years, getting rewarded for my opinions quite nicely. Over the year I’m become recognised as a minor expert in Eurovison, and being one of the few people who take the trouble to watch every publically submitted Eurovision hopeful I like to think I have some small idea of what it takes to do well in a qualifier. My knowledge must be valued in some way, as I am frequently asked to comment in the press, as well as the TV and radio, and have sat on the selection panels of more than one country.

    Additionally, I have won international acclaim (and prizes) for my short films, which show and compete at festivals around the world, and on top of that I have played in one of Britain's best-loved punk rock bands for over 30 years, run a music label, promote shows for bands from all over the world, and write many songs for other people. My current job is writing for television.

    I've never tried my hand at animation though, so I'm sure I fail on you criteria for being a worthy critic of a poor song badly performed.

    All this being the case, I can only accept your criticism if you can assure me that you have never said a bad word about a song or performance in all your days. But judging from the tone of your comments, and the fact that it took you more than a year to make them, I’m not expecting any such reply.

    And at the end of the day, my comments would have been deemed invalid had your favoured performer managed to win her qualifier and successfully tread the boards in Kiev. How did she do again?

  10. Hey wait a minute! Didn’t you already comment under a different name about a year ago? Or did you just not bother reading the previous comments (as I forgot to do when I replied to your comment!)?