Latvia 2024 - ECTO - Outsider

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When I first started getting involved in Eurovision fandom back in the distant days of tape swaps and postcard voting, if any song so much as had a serious bloke swinging his hands about in front of a guitar they were seen as some kind of antichrist to most (and like the new Sex Pistols to the rare likes of me). So it's an indication of how much the contest has dragged itself firmly into the twenty first century that a national final contender like this is almost universally ignored - and those that have spotted it give little more than a mere tut of recognition as to being a bit of an outlier. Which on one hand is incredible, but on the other a bit of a shame. Because this is a song that shows not only some imagination, but quite some potential for an unhinged live act on that tiny Supernova stage.

Imagine a moody young lad gyrating about awkwardly to a difficult chunk of glitchcore with old fashioned dubstep pretentions. The scope of possibilities is enormous. And although we doubt that he'll do half of the things that we hope that he might, we suspect that it's going to be lively.

This one's most definitely going on the 2024 Apocalypse playlist, and while it's not going to be troubling the scoreboard too deeply, it's going to be a heck of a lot of fun to watch it crash and burn!

Ireland 2024 - Bambie Thug - Doomsday Blue

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Ireland mate, is everything alright at home? Y'see, you're displaying the most erratic behaviour, and we're wondering if you need a nice sit, a little chat and a big milky cup of tea to calm your nerves. I mean, we can understand what's led you this way. You've been convinced that you were on to a winner these last couple of years, but all those cloth-eared people around Europe didn't share your vision. As you watched in dismay at all the points the slightly more less-Irish acts were reaping in at a final show you weren't invited to, an idea began to hatch in your head. But we're not sure that you entirely fully understood the full gravity of what was going on, as you've definitely gone off down a curious path this year with your selection.

Actually, one shouldn't mock too much. Where Ailsha is a plucky up-and-comer chucking everything she's got into three minutes of beautifully confusing noise, Ms Thug here is an established techno goth artiste who's played big festivals the like of Download and has a string of cracking genre-bursting videos behind her. If we'd seen this in a gnarly dungeon somewhere we'd have piled down the front and gyrated like loons. 

But somehow we fear that, much like with Go Tabann, it's all going to look a tad too strange and awkward in studio Late, the nans in the front ten rows are going to run out screaming in fear, and the aforementioned horse girl, or the cookie cutter boyband Louis Walsh is currently making a backstory up for will take the ticket to Malmo instead, only to suffer the same fate as most of their other entries over the last couple of decades. I mean, bless 'em for having a go - and this is a cracking song out of context - but there's a big difference between reacting and planning!

***STOP PRESS***

It only went and bloody won Eurosong, didn't it! Rejoice!

Croatia 2024 - Let 3 - Baba Roga

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***STOP PRESS***

The first live performance last night was every bit as beautifully chaotic as we could possibly have hoped!

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Remember those anarchist Croatian grandads in Liverpool last year who wore colourful totalitarian garb and waved rockets about right near the end of the show? Well they're back in the qualification process, and wouldn't you know it they've pulled another blinder. And while it's nowhere near as complex and immediate as their previous effort, it's certainly got its charms.

This one's more of a churning dance groove, peppered with almost painful-to-hear autotuned vocals. We weren't blown away the first time we heard it, but the more you listen, the more layers you begin to notice. If you know your festival rave, imagine King Kong Company blended with a bit of Midfield General. If you don't, just enjoy the fun.

But of course, as with anything Let 3 do, that's not entirely the whole story. They're publicly claiming that this song is absolutely nothing to do with them, and they've been usurped by imposters. If that's true, the life performance at Dora is going to be hilarious. If it's not true, it could be even funnier. Remember, this lot are arch pranksters of the highest order, and back home they're a massive act. It's like the lads have taken elements of  Laibach, Frank Zappa and the KLF then sprinkled on their own brand of distinctly Croatian lunacy all over the top of it.

Warning one: Play this song more than once and it'll lodge in your head for weeks.

Warning two: Make sure you're not drinking or holding any liquids when the singing kicks in on the video below…

Ireland 2024 - Ailsha - Go Tobann

 

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We've all been there. We click go on some manner of online video player, but haven't realised that there's already another song playing somewhere in another window. Now you've got (at least) two songs playing, but you've no idea where the other one is. But somehow it still sounds kinda OK. That's pretty much what it sounds like is happening here.

It's waaaaay over-produced, feels like it has all the levels turned up well into the red, and is at times messy and incoherent. But still somehow it almost works. Factor in the fact that it's one of the contenders for Ireland, and it's giving us a whole load of the WTAF feels. 

There's definitely something in the water this year (and if rumours are to believed it's not even the strangest song that our friends across the water have got on offer this year). But as promising as it seems, let's drag things back to reality. While you can just picture Ailsha stamping about in front of a stripped back metal goth band with a couple of black-clad Irish dancers jigging about behind her, that's probably not what we're going to get. Instead, she'll be playing to a bunch of Late Late grans in that bland old studio through one of the worst live sound systems outside of a Czech final, and get some superannuated local star waffling on about how "It's not really for the Eurovision, is it now?" as our singing lass stands there looking awkward in the corner, before some nice lass from the counties who looks after horses wins win some mawkish jumper ballad.

It's a story as old as time!

Croatia 2024 - Baby Lasagna - Rim Tim Tagi Dim

 

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***STOP PRESS***

It only went and bloody did it. Despite some shakey-assed vocals, the pure nonsense power of the show dragged it to the win by an almighty margin! Expect this to be there or there abouts during the run in in Malmo in May

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The Croatian songs came out today, and it makes for a pleasingly interesting list of different styles and sounds - and many of them quite noisy! We'll talk about the returning Let 3's autotuned masterpiece another day (or when it gets a half decent video clip), but this is the song is the other moment that tweaked our interest quite considerably.

Clearly coming from this year's school of "Well if that Finnish lad did it, why can't I have a pop?" while sounding nothing at all like hims, we begin with big chuggy midi guitars and what could even be cellos, kinda like if Rammstein had a nice day out with Apocalyptica. The chorus is only a smudge of a let down when it descends into quite obvious proggy metal chords - but still offers much fist-in-the-air pumpability. But then without a skip of a beat, the bridge on the middle offers a delightful acid techno left turn that gets you all excited.

This chap's not got much heritage online, but one suspects that he's most likely got a pretty interesting stage show girding up behind him, so file this under 'ones to keep an eye on'. He's got a fair job on his hands though, beating off his nation's elderly art noise surperstars. So to speak.

Albania 2024 - Luan Durmishi – Përsëritja

 

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Merry FiKmas, everyone! Yep, Albania's annual Winter warmer, Festivali i Këngës, is back once again in its traditional festive slot and delivering all the usual gravel-voiced ballads and angry looking ladies squeezed into ever-more restrictive garments. But there's always a couple of outliers who make you sit a little further back from your screens in a curious blend of delight and dismay. 

So witness Mr Durmishi here. Sitting grumpily on a box, he grumbles and artful lyric about the art of repetition while staring out the entire middle block of the audience through his bottle bottom glasses, all laid over a bed of austere minimal 90s Balkan techno. So when he does eventually stand up and start marching menacingly towards the front of the stage you'll swear you can hear portions of the audience bolt for the doors. 

This is exactly the kind of thing that we all watch FiK for, and if you never have, we really think that you ought to, too. The final's on Friday night, and we so hope this laddie makes it there, because in the words of the good lord Wogan, he'll most certainly scare the horses.

Malta 2024 - Matt Blaxk - Banana

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Well here we are again. It scarcely seems like five minutes since we were all getting excitable on Merseyside, but the songs and delights have begun to trickle our way again, so we're back for another season. Now it's traditional on these pages to post about the first song we hear, whatever it is. Sadly though this time it was Slimane's French thing, which even its most staunch supporter would confess is perhaps a bit too mid for this blog, so we've elected to debut our 2024 coverage with an old friend of Apocalypse.

Many of you remember will recall M Blaxk sudden transformation from a standard balladeer so a loud and sassy cringe inducer, and it's something that's kept us going through many an MESC competition over the years. But the lad has surely surpassed himself this time. As soon as we saw the title of his song many weeks back, be knew exactly how he was going to pronounce it - "Bah-Nah-Naaah!" - it just had to be. And when he's not over-annunciating his fruity title or telling us exactly who he is, our Matt is stomping about in a beautifully ungainly manner, and giving us a simple but silly dance routine to try to copy. But to be fair it won't be too tricky to replicate.

There are already those who are foolishly calling this a Käärijä copy. But they're silly dolts. Of course, our favourite Finn is going to encourage the less traditions funtime fellows to have a go at the contest this year. But our boy from Malta here has been ploughing this cheesy furrow for some years now, and is operating completely in his own wheelhouse. Just by law of averages, Matt Blaxk is going to qualify for the big show at some point over the next few years, so it might as well be with this big old slice of dumb singalong fun. Happy funtimes!

Ireland 2023 - Cruachan - The Blacksmith

 

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With the inevitable bleating from the Babyman in a golden rompersuit about how everyone clearly hates Ireland still ringing in our ears (despite everyone warning them the song was shite long in advance of it being chosen), a band who were overlooked for the process of selecting the Irish song quietly released their submission - and boy would it have changed everything!

Cruachan are a Pagan Metal band who were the first act to publicly declare their application for the golden ticket. They're a crack live act with a very distinct visual image and a total belief in their own music. They also know how to lay down a pretty decent tune. Apparently the shortlisting team listened to the song but didn't think it would work in the context of Eurosong. Have they actually watched Eurovision lately? Not since 1997, by the sounds of it, because this one would have ripped up the stage.

Instead they bagged a handful of novices, an old punker well past his best days, and a whiney boy band who seemed like they were the anointed ones well in advance of the show. And the saddest thing is, I bet they were making a bold statement with Wild Youth instead of the decades-behind-the-pack inspiro-dross it actually was. If ever there was an opportunity missed, this is surely it! (Although can you imagine what it would have looked and sounded like on the late Late Show?!)

Poland 2023 - Ahlena - Booty

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The artists for Poland's Tu Bije Serce Europy selection show (translated roughly as 'The Heart Of Europe Beats Here' if Google are to be believed) were announced yesterday, and a few of the songs have begun to trickle out. Up to now they're a fairly decent little selection of interesting pop tunes - although with nothing much to get too excited about. But one did especially catch our eye once we copped a glance at its lyric vid.

Effectively it's a plus-sized girl telling everyone how great her butt is. But some of the lines are so priceless that we can't wait to see how she delivers them live. How's about "I can have you, him, and him, and his Dad" for starters. Or maybe "I don't dress to impress, but you should see the way my bum bum jiggles in this dress". Or ever perhaps "I'm going to have him rub my butt before we hit the club". Pure unadulterated arse-based filth from start to end. And we're here for its honesty.

Yep this sleazy little tune isn't trying to pretend it's anything it's not. It's just a big girl singing about how she wants to have a good time - and on her terms while she's about it! And taking a scan across the artists' thumbnails on the announcement page the woman who appears to be Ahlena looks as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Which could make it all the stranger. We suspect this beautifully brazen bucketful bawdy filth isn't going to come anywhere close to winning, but if handled right this could easily be one of the most funtimes three minutes of the entire season - especially if it makes the more staid and conservative members of fandom get a little hot under their starchy puritan collars.

Italy 2023 - Sanremo 73 - Blanco Goes Batshit

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At Eurovision Apocalypse, we’re not just here for the songs, but for the glorious bad behaviour too. And last evening’s first night of dear old Sanremo offered us up a prime example as last year’s co-winner, Blanco, absolutely lost his shit when he couldn’t hear himself during a performance of his new single. 

Starting of by kicking a few roses about, he soon escalated into chucking huge lumps of scenery across the stage and trying to drag his band members to the floor. Beautiful showbiz antics!

However, the suits in the crowd didn’t much take to his tantrum and instantly showered him with boos and catcalls. It made what was up to that point an unusually dull evening infinitely more fun. Fair play to you, Blanco sir - you’ve become a true Apocalypse hero!

Germany 2023 - Ikke Hüftgold - Lied Mit Gutem Text

 

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Now while this year's German selection was considerably less beige than last year's insipid horror show, there was still nothing to get all that terribly excited by. So it was a bit of luck that the people who were organising the competition decided to hold a wildcard vote between the a few of the acts who had submitted entries but not been selected. Although one suspects that they may not be doing that again.

The reason? Well the glorious public of Germany only went and chose their biggest party pop act, a fella called Ikke Hüftgold, who won the remaining place in the final with a massive 52% of the vote. For people like us that can only be a good thing. But those people who take themselves a little bit too seriously are absolutely terrified of the song, because there's a very strong chance that this is what's going to win the ticket to the Eurovision Grand Final. And if it does, the viewing public are going to absolutely love it.

Ikke himself is a comic character devised and played by a chap called Matthias Distel. He is the very embodiment of German Ballermann culture -the free-form and beautifully vulgar kind of hedonistic party go who flood to holiday islands every Summer and dance to singalong oompah pop in the kinds of bars that you probably try to avoid. And we'd argue that as much as the grown ups wouldn't care to admit it, this is as much a part of authentic German culture as Paloma Blanca's flamenco-lite jobby is for Spain. Kinda like Rammstein covering Black Lace. It will, of course, be derided by the broader fandom - as pretty much any ugly middle-aged man playing something that's a whole lot of fun tends to at this contest. But we've got a sneaking regard for the thing here at Apocalypse, and reckon that it's going to go down in history, one way or another. Even if it's only to take the heat off Leto Svet as the most derided Eurovision song of all time!

Spain 2023 - Fusa Nocta– Mi Familia

 

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Spain chose their song for Eurovision last night, and went a tad left of their usual centre and went for an interesting flamenco-tinged piece of work. And while it may not be quite the potential big show winner that many fans are insisting, it's certainly going to make a nice difference on that big stage in Liverpool come May. However, our favourite song by a street in the competition was another song with deep hints of flamenco running through its veins. This one…

OK, so it might have come plumb last on the night, but that by no means detracts from its fabulosity. From it's creepy, slightly unnerving start with a child's voice chatting away as we ran along a massive long plait on hair, we were enthralled. Why was this terrifying looking you woman in shiny black PVC shouting at us from the top of a reasonably sized family car, we wondered. And then as she was helped down and marched towards us purposefully we quite forgot about all that and feared that she might actually punch her way through the telly screen and march into our living room. 

Then there was all the dancing interludes and all kinds of other art business that hooked us right into her story, despite knowing little of what she was going on about. And while her gnarly vocals and angry expressions may not have entirely been everyone's kettle of jam, we bloody loved it, and it was by far the most punk rock thing at this year's contest so far. We'll have this one on repeat for some time, we reckon.

Moldova 2023 - Valeria Condrea - We're Now Different

 

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The Moldovan live auditions are a major annual waypoint for we lovers of the more esoteric end of Eurovisionia. Each year we see a handful of the same faces popping up - some significant local stars, some just plucky chancers - all hoping to get themselves and their songs onto a prime time Saturday night TV show. But it's with those plucky chancers that the pure beauty of this process lies. As they stand on that tiny stage waiting for their music to kick in, you quickly try to assess what their voices will be like by the state of their nervousness. Sometimes they surprise you and bellow out a powerful performance. But other times they just wheeze anxiously, looking like they thought it was going to go a whole lot better in their heads when they sent their submission in to the telly people. But then you get performances like this one, that kinda straddles both categories - and makes up a couple of their own while they are about it.

Valeria here might not be a singer in perhaps the way you or I would describe one, but she certainly knows her style, and emotes and grimaces her way through an eye-widening performance. It's not always clear, however, if she's remembered all the words, as she hovers between English and Moldovan passages at almost no warning. But again, that may actually be a part of her schtick, as you certainly can't fault her passion and absolute belief that she's doing a pretty amazing thing. 

These are the kinds of performances that we live for at Apocalypse - not to mock them, but to praise them for their utter self-belief and unusualness. They may be outsiders in amongst the shiny world of highly produced Europop, but they make shows like this all the more interesting for their very existence. Long may the live auditions reign, TRM!

Lithuania 2023 - Antikvariniai Kašpirovskio Dantys - Sėdi Ir Važiuoji

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The AKD have got form on these pages. Their 2019 effort in Pabandom iš Naujo, Mažulė was a wonky delight, and surprisingly unlike their usual form as an arena-filling light-hearted folky-ska-rock act. So it is even more of a surprise to see their latest evolution into funtimes silly pop in last night's PiN early stages.

Stomping all over the stage in glittery trackies, like some kind of super-annuated Goldie Lookin' Chain, they mugged to camera, messed about on office chairs (and as a health and safety rep I can tell you that some of their antics are not to be encouraged in the workplace!), tied scarves around their heads, and generally looned around in what looked like part organised, but still fairly freeform style.

The song was terrible, of course, but we'll still be darned of we can't get the oo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo chorus out of our heads today. Despite their local popularity, they only just sneaked into the semi-final stages, so don't expect to be seeing too much more of them this season. But at least they've brought a little bonkers joy to an unusually over-serious set of Lithuanian proceedings this year. We would suggest checking out some of their more usual stuff though, as it's quite different thing altogether.

Germany 2023 - Lonely Spring - Misfit

 

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This time of year can be great when we start getting clips sent in with people saying "Here's one for you Apocalypsers - I'll bet this is right up your street!" And indeed many times it is. But now and again there'll be the odd song that a whole bunch of people tip us off to that suggests that they haven't quite got the gist of our silly little blog - and this morning's release of the first batch of songs for Germany's Unser Lied Für Liverpool has seen that happen not once, but twice!

And just as Lord Of The Lost give the false impression of offering a massive slab of Neue Deutsche Härte when in fact their actual song is just a pale schlager in better heels, then Lonely Spring here may give off all the apparent punk pop bluster of bands like New Found Glory, they're actually closer in substance to yer actual Busted than anyone who's actually, y'know, cool. Yep, the sneery-voiced So-Cal sound may be moderately back in vogue with the recent reformation of Blink 182, but the proper punks all thought it was pretty lame the first time round, so these lads appear top have fallen between two stools, and what must seem in their heads to be something of a snotty radical stance actually feels a bit cloying. And more to the point, how actually old are they? Hopefully it's a life well-lived that has made them look that grizzled, but it would be very unbecoming playing the teeny punk card in their videos if they were actually nearly as ancient as Tom Delonge.

In my other musical life as a barely successful punk rock star I get to see this kind of mob a lot. They're usually the second act on a four band bill that swan in late like they've just invented punk, tries to get all their mates in for free, play to nine people while moaning that nobody respects them, then sod off home before the other bands have played. Good luck to them if they're straight up in their love for the genre, and it might indeed be fun to see them leaping about on a Liverpool stage, but honestly, this isn't our flavour of punk rock at all. And sadly them Germans are more likely to go for their usual beige blando anyway. Although the hurdy gurdy lass would at least be funny.