Finland 2023 - Käärijä - Cha Cha Cha

 

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So there we were thinking Finland we're going to let us down. Up til now, the UMK line-up had offered us nothing but famous people with mediocre songs, or less famous people with mediocre songs. Heck, things were getting so bad that we were almost looking forward to the Portion Boys reveal for something to laugh at. Not with, at. And surely we couldn't be expecting much from a song called Cha Cha Cha, could we? How terribly wrong we were!

Kicking off sounding a bit like Rammstein with all the corners sanded off, a bare-chested hardnut stomps around a wrestling ring singing about how he loves to get pissed up and lose his mind. And just when you were expecting to shake your locks to the inevitable beatdown drop in the middle, at the 1:42 slot it gracefully slides into a chunk of turbo-fuelled J-Pop. Eh?! He's still singing about the booze drinks, only by now he's absolutely hammered and rolling around on the metaphorical floor. It's a work of pure bloody wonk genius!

It's like listening to an entry level version of Japan's thrash-pop brain-melters Maximum The Hormone - only in Finnish and with a distinctly Northern European edge. And you just know that it's going to look immense live! Obviously unless something really strange happens in the next two nights this is the one that we really, REALLY want to see in Liverpool. We've no idea if he's even got a half of a half chance up against Robin P, but the people of Finland have been known to chuck in the odd rogue bullet, so please - pretty please - make this happen!

Estonia 2023 - Meelik - Tuju

 

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The Estonian Eurovision selection competition, Eesti Laul, is usually a delight, laden with low key floaty pop marvels and the occasional slab of unhinged strangeness. Sadly this year's competitors are a little more usual, but this bouncy little indie pop shuffle is the one that's stayed with us over the weekend.

If it doesn't grab you immediately, please do stick with it though, as its awkward deadpan beginnings build and build through ever more wonky camera, and the band gradually thaw out from their stiff and almost creepy beginnings.

Thankfully it managed to claw its way into February's final, and will be a smashing counterpoint to all that over serious pop and contrived sub-rock that it's buttressed up against. It won't be coming anywhere near the top half, we fear, but we're so very glad that it's there.

Croatia 2023 - Krešo i Kisele Kiše - Kme Kme

 

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What have the put in the water in Croatia this year. Dora of late has been like a favourite old Aunt who's a bit past her best but who you still grudgingly go to see once a year anyway. But they must have upped her meds over the past twelve months, because this year's contest is fixing up to be one of the best of the lot in 2023! There's at least half a dozen songs that we wouldn't begrudge a slot in the big show - maybe even more, and although Let 3 might be the big noise to fans of more edgy alt stuff, we can't help going back to our roots and digging a bit of Kreso!

Oh yes, we've always enjoyed a bit of the old skacore in this household, but given an added stompy Balkan edge this one's floating all kids of boats for us. Like Let 3, Krešimir Burić and his Acid rain hail from Rijeka, and have been making this flavour of fine and danceable racket for donkeys years now. But we never imagined that they'd show their hand at Dora. If you're looking for stylistic reference points, seek out California's Voodoo Glow Skulls, or the UK's own Redeemon, The Filaments and The Dead Pets, because if you're unfamiliar to this sound there's a load of great stuff to discover out there.

When old man Johnny and his PiL boys first declared for Ireland, the old punks were the first one to disparage him for entering a contest they clearly hadn't seen since they were kids. They out to take a gander down Croatia way, because they'd have to admit that there's a good handful of stuff that they'd listen to at Dora this year if it hadn't been apparently tainted with the Eurovision brush - and this one in particular. It's another one we just can't wait to see done live! 

Croatia 2023 - LET 3 - Mama ŠČ!

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A couple of months ago a Croatian pal of mine advised me to check out the history of a band from round his way called LET 3. There were stories that they were going to be having a go at ESC in 2023, and that they had something of a track record of unruly TV appearances and curious art terrorism. Obviously, my ears picked up and I started delving into their back catalogue. And boy was their history lively. Famous for their provocative lyrics and shall we say lively live performances, they're one of those polarising bands back in the home country - you either love 'em, or really really hate 'em. Already they sounded like my kinda band.

And now here it is - Mama Shhhh! It's tricky to totally translate the meaning into English, but there's a whole lot of business about going to war, and a lot of references to psychopaths… and tractors - but it's the sonic onslaught that really tips it over the edge. After a politely cacophonous intro, it slides into an edgy folksy hymn. It's fairly accessible, but to you can't help feeling that something is about to jump out of the woodwork at you. And at around 53 seconds it suddenly goes full Zappa on you and swirls your brain in all the directions.

From there on in it ebbs and flows, before building to a massive mess of chuggy pop anger and a curt sudden ending. In short, it's flipping brilliant, and going by their past history one can only assume the live visuals are going to be a bit, ahem, lively. Again, they're going to polarise, with as many people voting for anything but them rather than them themselves. But if Croatia really wants to stamp its mark back on the contest, these are the laddies to do it!

Ireland 2023 - Public Image Ltd. - Hawaii

 

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So it finally happened - probably. Four years after it was first posited by a chancer songwriter, PiL have finally chucked in a song in an attempt to represent Ireland at Eurovision. Or at least so the rumours go at this point. Old Johnny has clearly been pondering on the potential mischief of it all, and gone rogue with one of the most beautiful pieces of music the old band have put together in years.

However, one suspects that, if this whole curious story is true, it's the kind of song that's going to fall between all the stalls and not especially satisfy anyone. All those folks who still insist on calling him Johnny Rotten with little idea of his more recent output will look at it as something of a lilting disappointment, while on the other hand, it might be just that bit too strange and meandering for all the nans who watch the Late Late Show of an evening. And you can just imagine the panel of has-been showbiz celebs trying to get their lobes around it. "It's not really the kind of thing that gets sent to the Eurovision now, is it" someone who clearly hasn't watched the Eurovision in decades will undoubtedly say, then everyone will vote for either that boyband or one of those nice girls from the counties.

The project's only potential saving grace will be if John gets to tell the story of the song. Much of what he does these days is mainly to amuse his wife Nora, who is deep into the later stages of Alzheimer's, and this song is clearly a part of that strategy. So if it only does that, then this whole thing is a success. It's probably not what many people would have expected of the band, but it's a pretty lovely thing to be doing all the same.

I just wonder what the ten-year-old me would have thought the first time I saw The Sex Pistols on a Sunday afternoon arts programme in 1976 and had my head turned to a long life in punk rock if you'd told him that in nearly fifty years time I'd be writing about their singer potentially doing Eurovision. It's not the greatest thing he's ever done, and almost certainly won't come in the top half of the voting unless something weird happens, but the intentions behind it are the most important thing here.

Now let's see if the whole Eurovision story is true! 

Germany 2023 - Alexanie Und Das Pablo Paloma Tanzorechester - Showtime

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It's happening far less often these days, but our friends in Germany have this year partaken in that thing that whispers utter joy into the Apocalypse ear - an open application process. And our regular agent Tristán has been having a deep delve into some of the more fringe elements for us. And oh what beauties he's found.

You've got the usual plethora of bedroom outsiders, some nice ladies who spend more time on the frock changes than the song's words, and a whole barrage of "Fire/desire/higher" rhymes. But there's one song in particular that's got right under our skin, despite its initial lack of promise.

It might be a right anachronism of a song, with its old time style, cheesy lyric and seemingly dated delivery, but as the performance continues it gradually digs its beautiful glittery claws into you and takes us back to a more simple, innocent age of showbiz. We won't lie, we found ourselves vigorously applauding the song when it finished with broad, beaming smiles on our faces.

There's no way on earth that German telly is going to begin to consider putting this even on their long list. But that's a shame, because can you imagine this on the big night in Liverpool? The place would go absolutely nuts. It would still probably come bottom three, but how much more fun would we have had than we did with their recent procession of beige nothingness! Bloody love this - and mostly for all the right reasons for a change!

Albania 2023 - 2Farm - Atomike

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It's usually a good sign when your message box fills up during a local qualifying show that you're unable to watch live. It generally means that either something of amazing beauty or deep batshittery has just appeared on some foreign telly - but in this instance it was very much the latter.

Albania's Festivali i Këngës is a glorious old show - now in its 61st year. But it's usually a bit light on the truly strange. Plenty of eccentric squawking and structurally impossible frocks, perhaps, but very little in the realms of the deeply strange.

Well old 2Farm here certainly put paid to that old maxim. We know that the song clearly has some meaning beyond our uneducated ken, and apparently got a bit locally profane from time to time too. But to an uneducated Western eye most of what we can see is three blokes in early middle-age doing a bit of an awkward art teacher's interlude in the school Christmas play.

It only properly kicks in when the blonde fella starts to growl at about the halfway mark, but it's a rare wonky delight from start to end. If anyone can fill us in one what it all means - please do!

Ukraine 2023 - Tvorchi — Heart of Steel

 

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So we've got our first song for Eurovision 2023. But the song itself is only a fraction of the story here. Because despite suffering heavy bombing overnight, the Ukrainians still held Vidbir, their national selection show, deep underground in a city centre metro station that has been used as a bomb shelter since the beginning of the Russian hostilities. Indeed, so close were they to the tracks that you could hear the trains passing through every now and again.

The event itself though was slightly more impressive than the songs, though. Some solid but unremarkable  songs from Jerry Heil, Krut and OS Sound System that all had a distinctly Ukrainian folksy rave edges were narrowly beaten by this somewhat less than local feeling piece of soul-tinged electropop. But having said that, their show was great, and it seemed like a popular choice on the metro concourse, so you can't begrudge them their win.

One suspects, though, that this is going to test the theory of those dreary bores who have been rattling on about how Ukraine could send anything next year and win. If you're that convinced, you can still get 3/1 on them, so you won't be remotely scared to bung a ton on them for an easy win. Free money, right? But really, the only winner tonight was Ukraine itself, showing an indomitable spirit in the face of adversity the kind that few of us can even imagine. And for that they can only be applauded.

Serbia 2022 (Junior Eurovision) - Katarina Savić - Svet Bez Granica

 

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Now we appreciate that a great many of you don't bother with the Junior version of our favourite show - well why would you, you hate kids! But in amongst the hyperactive rock 'n' roll kids and the cloying stage school brats there's always a few little treats to uncover, and this was our fave by a street yesterday.

Sweet and simple, while all around it was pounding the maximalism to the limit, Katarina here gently played with the music box motif in a gentle and old-timey tune telling us about how we're all one world really. There's still the occasional classic Balkan ballad interlude to keep the traditionalists among you happy, too.

But things take an unexpected and beautiful turn at the 2:10 mark. I won't give anything away, but unless you know what's coming we'd be surprised if you guessed it in ten goes! We're not just here for the insanity and bombast - every now and again something understated gets under right our skin. Although we're quite sure that normal service will be resumed soon.

Ukraine 2023 - John Eaton - Burning Bridges

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Avast me hearties! A whole new Eurovision season has begun. And this year we start off where the whole thing ended last time round - in Ukraine. Kinda.

Prospective contestants seem to be keeping their cards close to their chests this term, as scarcely a peep has yet escaped from the usual outsider composers who start oozing their curious wares across the internets the very second the September threshold has passed. That is except repeat offender John Eaton here. His name pops up from time in dispatches, but this year's he's gone the whole hog and has decided to  submit a song for the reigning champs, putting a number of efforts onto his YouTube channel and encouraging us to suggest our faves.

And oh boy, are there some special treats on display!

OK, so we really shouldn't make fun of somebody who clearly has the best of intentions, but man alive has he misread the room. Take the song I've posted here - a jaunty little bit of rockin' boogie… that appears to be about literal bridges on fire, and includes lines as eye-popping as "I can hear the sounds, exploding our towns" and "I can smell the smoke, causing me to choke"!

And that's not all. Take a wander through the other songs in consideration on his channel and you'll find a song called Go, Go, Go that attempts to sound a bit Ukrainian with synthesised wood whistles and the like, while Slava Ukraini! just goes the whole hog, with lines like "May we always, always remain free, through Kyiv through Kherson and the Black Sea". Yes, really!

Now we're not entirely sure quite where John is from, but it's a fair bet that he's not actually from Ukraine. And this of all years one suspects that they'll be sending something pretty special that fully reflects their rich culture and massive struggled. So while we applaud John for giving it a go, we suspect we already know how his stab at Eurovision glory is going to go this year. Bless him.

Portugal 2022 - Fado Bicha – Povo Pequenino

 

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Of all the great songs that didn't make it out of their semis this year, his is the one that we're most gutted about. For those not in the know about Portuguese music and culture, here's a little breakdown of the act's name. Fado is a haunting and heart-wrenching style of music, usually sung in tiny bars about people who died at sea. Bicha on the other hand is kinda the local equivalent of 'queer', and a term becoming reclaimed by the Portuguese gay community. And knitted together they describe the output of this tremendous act perfectly.

This song's a perfect marriage of traditional sounds, batshit 21st century creativity and a massive dollop of camp glory that was perhaps maybe the wrong kind of gay for the voting folks at home, curse them. But it's definitely one that we're going to keep coming back to for many years to come.

The FdC final has undoubtedly become one of the highlights of the Eurovision year since our Salvador first twitched his way to victory. But it's going to be a far less rich spectacle without this little beauty.

United Kingdom 2022 - Sam Ryder - Space Man

 

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So the UK have adopted a very interesting strategy with their Eurovision song this year. First, they get an agency of some note to exec produce the artist. Said agency convinces a singer who may not be a household name to the likes of you and me, has a massive reach on TikTok and Insta. He's also got a great voice and a hugely engaging personality. Big ticks all round so far.

Next they start to get the song some mainstream radio play in advance of it's Euro-announcement, in the hope that it if people hear it without the tag of shame attached to it they may actually like it. And on top of all that, Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills was imploring his listeners to get behind the song and give it some support. All very big positives from a country that is traditionally a bit flimsy at this contest.

And then when finally we get to hear the song itself… it's yet another major key plod, with all the same familiar chord progressions, and a non-committal lower mid tempo time signature - a style of song that has been proven year-on-year to find its way to the lower reaches of the table. It's fabulously sung, and brightly produced, I'll give it that, but we had an open goal here, and we kicked the ball into row Z!

Georgia 2022 - Circus Mircus - Lock Me In

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There was time when Georgia were considered as probable Eurovision winners in the not too distant future - and then they just went "Nah fuck it - let's send stuff that we like!" And boy is this going to confuse the natives!

You've got a little slice of jazz fusion to kick off with, before it dips into a psychedelic proggy chorus, and ends up just flipping off on its own little journey into the cosmos. It's the kind of thing that you'd expect to hear from a band who are third on the bill for some light relief at a noise rock night in the back room of a pub in Oxford, only with that distinct batshit edge that foots it firmly in its own home nation.

And boy, much of fandom are going to struggle with the language to try to explain it. But if you've got the references, imagine a heavily popped up Cardiacs singing Syd Barrett choruses and mix it up with Zappa and Add N To (X) playing some Japanese club pop covers together - on ice! We suspect this is going to be a real treat on the big night!

Also props to the band for not showing off their doubtlessly unhinged video because, y'know, there's a war on.

Iceland 2022 - Reykjavíkurdætur - Tökum Af Stað

 

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Because when things are getting boring, what we all need is an anarcho-feminist hip hop clan!

No, seriously, Söngvakeppnin as been a proper dull affair this year, with emotionless American and bleached bland mid tempo plop. Before last night our only ray of hope was dear old Haffo Haff, but even he left-fielded it a bit too much. So what a joy to see the Sisters Of Reykjavík absolutely bringing it last night.

But these are no cobbled together chancer all having a clump about for a lark. Oh no. This lot have a decade of hits and activism behind them and are serious contenders for the prize here. I mean, just look at the longs words - and there's bloody loads of them! Lines like "Fuckboys they keep me dry like an umbrella", "If Karl Marx lived, he would be my boyfriend", "I'm the virgin Mary, baby I'm the whore", and "the dance floor is a multifaceted Yoga retreat it must be the moshpit" are just the start of it, as they spit bar after bar of glorious female empowerment.

And as if that wasn't enough, something quite quite beautiful and unexpected that you rarely ever see on a Eurovision stage happens at around the 1:25 mark and the whole thing lifts to yet another incredible level. We really have to see this in Turin. The fun-hating dullards are going to whine that it's just another joke song, but then they're probably too dumb to understand the lyric. I for one can't wait to hit their yoga moshpit!

Germany 2022 - Emily Roberts – Soap

 

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At Eurovision Apocalypse, we're not just here for the strange and the spectacular, but those difficult moments when it all goes horribly awry too. At first little Taylor Swiftian pean to washing you brain with detergent to rid you of the memory of an ex - no really - plodded along like the unremarkable pop song it truly was. It has to be noted that she didn't always hit all of her notes, but she had a jolly good go at most of them. And then it happened…

At around the minute mark the soap bubbles that had made the stage look like the first three minutes of a West Ham game started to surround our poor lass here, and distracted for a minute she went off piste and popped one of them - which utterly destroyed her concentration. There followed and awkward giggle, a loud "Wow!" and an awful lot of confused wandering about. With each passing second she looked more and more distraught - after all, this was her big break on national TV, and was being closely scruitinised by fandom around the world. You really started to feel for her.

Then, as quickly as she'd lost it, she clicked back into gear and finished the song - only with a troubled, shot away look in her eye, with the crowd totally on her side. The juries weren't terribly kind, though, and voted her plumb last, the old grumps. But you've got to give it to the girl for battling through it all, though despite everything - and her expression at the end said it all.

Emily mate, your song might have been rubbish, but you embodied the pure spirit of Eurovision last night and livened up probably the beigest finals of the year, and for that we can only applaud you and offer you Eurovision Apocalypse legend status!