Ukraine 2022 - Antsya - Bomba

(If you can't see the video panel above, click here for a massively missed opportunity…)

Ukraine announced their final eight artists for this year's Vidbir, and while there's some cracking acts amongst them, we can't help feeling that they've missed a whopping great trick with this lot.

In fact, we'd go as far as saying that Antsya will pretty quickly become your new favourite Gothic Ukrainian girl band! Like a turbo disco'd Girls Aloud, pumped up on minor-key badness and an awful lot of deeply throbbing gnarly techno, this would have been a most welcome addition in any national final, but to lose it from one of the darkest and most frequently forward thinking seems like a terrible oversight.

And that's before we get to their most excellent look and their slightly unnerving vibe. Damn shame we're going to lose them - but do all you can to check out their back catalogue on YouTube, because it's blinder after blinder after blinder!

Moldova 2022 - Sasha Bognibov - My Friend Is Gay

(If you can't see the panel above, click here for the full gothic splendour…) 

It's that time of year again, when we greet an old friend from Moldova into the Eurovision year. The season's never fully underway until Sasha fills our inbox with his annual effort. We usually enjoy them one way or another, but every now and again he surprises us with an unexpected blinder.

We still maintain that Wounded Swan was his biggest missed opportunity, but this, his latest of many attempts at Eurovision glory, runs it pretty close. And for sure, the lyric is one of his more well-meaning but slightly awkward forays into social conscience, although you suspect that he's completely earnest about his assertions. But this time round it's the music that's the real winner.

Opening with spooky, beyond-the-grave piano, it quickly builds into a massive gothic anthem that feels every bit like it comes from three-quarters of the way through a rock opera that nobody's seen yet. And do you know what? It suits his signature voice almost perfectly, his haunted pipes matching the increasing pomp to such an extent that you'll be doing air grabs every time it hits a loud bit.

We've given up on TRM ever seeing the light with Sasha, but we'd rather see this in one of their semis than their usual endless parade of forgettable hotel singers that constantly fail to qualify. Does the song have its problems? It certainly does. But is it also somehow the strongest material he's produced in ages? Well that too. 

Lithuania 2022 - Lolita Zero – Not Your Mother

(If you can't see the panel above, click here for a thing of beauty…)

It wouldn't be unfair to say that Lithuania's Pabandom Iš Naujo selection show has been a bit beige and pedestrian so far this year. In most recent times it's been dripping with wows and chuckles, but two shows in and the nearest thing we've had to either was a woman in a white suit who appeared to rhyme the words 'lion' and 'dyin'. That was until the very last song of the night - and ooh blimey it was worth waiting for.

You might remember Lolita Zero from his accidental knock about funtimes hit from five years back 'Get Frighten'. But where that was going for laughs and shocks, tonight's effort was a whole different kettle of kippers. Standing static on a plinth like an androgynous silver alien, he coursely grumbled an edgy lyric over a waft of minimal beatsy electronica that sounded every bit like it was a lost Yellow Magic Orchestra track from the crack of the eighties.

Take away the showbiz and the song itself is exactly the kind of thing I've been listening to on the quiet for the last 40 years. But when married together with that other worldly look and blimey, that was a real treat.

Portugal 2022 - Pongo & Tristany - Dégrá.dê

 (Click here if you can't see the video panel above for something of an intense ride…)

FdC reveal time is always an exciting event in our house. Me and Mrs A sit on the sofa soaking in all the chilled vibes and heartbreaking ballads - only ever skipping the Jamiroquai-lite funky nonsense they insist on poking at us every year. But this year one song stopped us in our tracks and left us both gaping open mouthed in astonishment. And boy is this a blinder!

It disarms you from the first discordant piano stabs, and lulls you slightly when Tristany's lilting vocal wafts over the fractured backing. But as soon as Pongo's stabbing rap comes in over ever more cluttered and complicated beats we were swooning on our soft furnishing.

Now be warned, this might not be for everyone's ear, but it absolutely knocked our collective socks off - so much so that we've been hastily tracking down each of their back catalogues ever since. To be absolutely fair to it, unless they're both massively popular locally we can see it with a battle on its hands to even get out of its semi - but as we all know, far stranger things have happened in Portugal…

Malta 2022 - Matt Blaxk - Come Around

 

(If you can't see the panel above, click here for the nonsense…)

Lockdown had the strangest effect on us all. For some of it us was all about learning how to make banana bread or homeschooling the nippers. Others among us explored new creative pursuits or pottering about in the garden. But for Matt Blaxck, it seems as though that period of enforced indoorsyness was mostly spent singing into the mirror and watching a lot of RuPaul.

I mean, what else can explain the rapid change in character in a lad that we used to know as Matthew Anthony. Close followers of the Maltese selection process may just about remember him from 2018 and his song Call 2morrow where he mumbled his way through a moderately entertaining Swedish-penned number and still managed to come seventh of sixteen. Back then he was a wide-eyed pop kid with a heart full of dreams, but not much in the way of showbiz pizzazz.

Fast forward four years and he's suddenly discovered his sass - plus a curious cross-continental singing accent that's part way between West Coast gangsta and somewhere randomly Caribbean. And while you can't knock a lad for career progression, it's all just a little bit awkward - especially as he seems to run out of ideas by the halfway mark and just keeps churning out the song's title ad infinitum.

Still, we can't wait to see this done live, 'cos we suspect that it's going to be funny. And hopefully not unintentionally. But in the future, Malta, if you want to explore this path a little more authentically, you've got an excellent laid back hip hop crew called Pon Di Corner that you really should be exploring. Because boy would they bring the party.

San Marino 2022 - Andi Taranik - Crystal Drops

 

(If you can't see the panel above, click here to watch. And no smirking at the back…)

When you've been covering the back end of this old show we love for as long as we have, you notice a few familiar faces popping up in the lower reaches of whatever local selection process is open to contributions from around the planet. And one such frequent flyer is our Andi here, who's tried his hand all over the place, but never seems to get onto the live shows anywhere.

Perhaps his vocal is a little too esoteric to catch the ears of a professional jury? Or maybe his stage persona is a smudge too understated and gets lost in amongst the bolder, brasher contestants? But whatever it is, you've got to give the lad credit for his indomitable spirit and pure persistence.

He does seem to have put a bit of effort into his backing track this year, though. We're not sure whether he's got someone to make it for him, or maybe he bought it in from a music library, but it's got a smashing melancholic lilt that make's his unique vocal stand out all the more. Oh, and if you get through the whole song, we'd seriously recommend that you take a listen to some of the covers of Eurovision classics on his YouTube channel, because they'll entertain the heck out of you!

Good man, Andi Taranik! And long may you continue!

Poland 2022 - Unmute - Głośniej Niż Decybele

 

(If you can't see the video panel above, click here for something a bit special…)

This is always my favourite bit of the Eurovision year. Y'know, when songs start creeping out, and folks start exchanging links of their cool findings like some kind of musical currency. So when I got a flurry of people tipping me off to this song this morning I suspected it was going to be a bit special. I wasn't quite prepared for quite how special, though.

I'd already been told of the song's concept - a gaggle of deaf youngsters signing out their lyric over a pop tune - so I was fearing something a bit schmaltzy and worthy. But by heck I shouldn't have worried. Instead we've got one of the boldest, brightest, most ambitious entries into this contest in a long time.

Just on beats alone this song's a bit of a belter. A big, beefy head nodder, with loud farty horns and a genuine street feel. But as soon as the kids start spitting out their bars - with their hands - it ascends to a whole new level. This isn't some cutesy community centre singalong, oh no. These kids have got attitude in buckets and are in your face from the word go. I got the chills running right down my back for the first time this season, and I just couldn't stop playing the thing again and again and again.

The song's title roughly translates as 'louder than decibels', which just about defines it all. This is easily the most punk rock entry we've had in a long old time, and I really can't wait to see what they do to it live!

Norway 2022 - TrollfesT - Dance Like A Pink Flamingo

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above. It'll be the best thing you do all day!)

When the rumour started kicking around yesterday that Trollfest were in the running for this year's MGP our brains swam with both delight and concern. Here's a band well-used to playing massive festivals all across the continent, but their music can be just a little confusing to those who are entirely new to it. Kinda like gnarly death metal with added Balkan instrumentation and a whole lot of proggy time signatures chucked in for good measure - but with a knockabout delivery that's likely to make people from outside of the metal sphere think they are a joke band.

But now that their involvement has been  songs have crept out, how worries have subsided. Because this is flipping brilliant! Managing to mangle serious planet-saving concerns with some fantasy edges, a killer chorus and a ludicrous dance routine, if this manages to drag its way through the tricky qualification path in Norway, the punters at home could be in for a right treat. And if you've never seen what they look like, then get yourself to YouTube and track down a few of their live videos - ooh you're in for a treat.

OK, so they've got a really outside chance of actually making it to Turin. But just indulge us for a moment. Imagine if not only this lot, but Eskimo Callboy (new, less contentious name currently in the ether, apparently) made it through in Germany, and Nanowar Of Steel somehow managed to convince San Marino they were the best thing they could possibly send - that would wipe the grimness of the Bulgaria Dad rockers entirely from our memories.

It won't happen, of course. But just imagine if it did!

 

Latvia 2022 - Citi Zēni - Eat Your Salad

 (If you can't see the panel above, click here and see if you don't get bored after about half a minute…)

So we were working our way through the newly released Supernova songs. If you've heard them already, you'll know the exact moment that we spat our tea out. But if you're new to this tune, we'll give you a moment to play the start of the above-linked ditty. Exactly eight seconds in fact…

Back in the room? Great, now wipe off your screen and continue…

Rarely before has a song gone around the Eurovision socials at such lightning fast speed as this one. But that's almost certainly got more to do with that impactful opening line than it does the actual body of the song, as it were. Because take away that initial shock factor and what have you got? A tedious ironic neo funk song that runs out of shock factor in eight seconds, and ideas in about a minute.

Regular readers will know that probably our least favourite of all the genres is wacky knowing funk. From Wadde Hadde Dudde Da to Do The Monkey and beyond, it's possibly the whitest, most drably middle class of all musics, and it's generally served with a massive side of smugness.

So it's a shame when you quickly discover that a song with such a dynamic, head-turning opening is merely a bunch of try hards in heritage clothing trying to be a bit clever. And it doesn't matter that the subject matter of their song is something we should all applaud - I simply don't believe that they believe it themselves.

It would be vaguely amusing to see the mild panic the EBU would get into if it was selected, but when a song is effectively over before the caption has faded from the screen, that's a massively missed opportunity for mischief. Still, it'll always be entertaining to play the song's beginning to a significant adult, just to watch their initial reaction. Just don't play them the rest of the song, or they'll surely nod off.

Albania 2022 - Kastro Zizo - Kujë

(Click here for the strangeness if you can't see the panel above…)

So we've had our first national final of the year, and as tradition dictates it was the Albanians. But while many folk are celebrating a Happy FiKmas as a fan-favoured bit of derivative Fuego-lite took home the golden statuette, we lovers of the more esoteric entries will be mourning the loss of our old mate Kastro Zizo here.

Never known to undersell a song, this cultural polymath is known in his own land as the presenter of a philosophical talk show (alongside all his other showbiz side hustles), and he brought a deep, yet still fairly ambiguous lyric to sit alongside all the songs about the motherland, while dressed in a sharp suit and minimal corpse paint. Maybe this kind of thing makes perfect sense in Albania, but the levels of Twitter bewilderment from fankind throughout his performances this week was a joy to behold, as he seemed to deeply unsettle a continent of pop fans.

More of this kind of thing please, Albania. And everywhere else, for that matter.

 

Spain 2022 - Rayden - Calle de la llorería

(Click here for something of great interest - if you can't see the video panel above…)

Now we know that it's rare for us to post anything much with a Spanish flavour on here unless it's an absolute dog's breakfast, or a riot breaks out in the studio. But upon the release of the songs for Benidorm Fest we've found ourselves attracted to more than a few of the songs - and that's not happened since the old days of their gloriously random online experiment. We loved Blanca Paloma's trippy floaty song about water right off the bat, and have been hearing enticing snippets of the dreamy Tanxugueiras track for a few days now - although we can't for the life of us see who'd actually vote for it.

But Rayden's fabulous earthy ramble is the one that's got our goosebumps trembling the most. We've had an eye on this lad for a few years now, but never imagined that he'd ever grace anything with Eurovision germs on it. Starting out as a rapper, but now more of the kind of grumble-singer the Italians hold so dear, he's got a string of top ten albums behind him, and is really something of a catch for this contest. Indeed, he's such a self-contained star in his own right that we reckon that he'd resist whatever dog's breakfast of a staging that TVE tried to chuck at him.

He's not without concern, though. A few of the lyric lines for this song don't fare terribly well when pushed through Google Translate - but hopefully that's more the platform's issue than his - and he seems as though he won't take very much shit from anyone. Which could actually make things a little more exciting in Turin if he bags the ticket.

But despite his native popularity, he seems very much a love-him-or-loathe-him kind of an artist, and Spanish Eurovision fandom being what it is we fear they'll either send a considerably under par Azúcar Moreno or the formulaic pretty boys from Unique (clue: they're not). Or worse, one of the many, many watered down and washed out Fuego wish-they-weres.

But Spain mate, I know it's off piste, but if you really want to haul yourself at least to the top of the right hand side of the scoreboard - and in Italy of all places - then this is the one for you. I fear that you'll ignore our advances, but when have you ever been known not to sabotage your own chances, eh!

Estonia 2022 - Meisterjaan - Vahel Lihtsalt

(Click here if you can't see the video panel above for the curious fun times…) 

We were really hoping that this season's extended Eesti Laul competition would be a return to the bold and brave of days gone by, rather than the bland beige blancmange that it's recently become. Sadly we've had little such luck up to now, and the only song with any real life in it so far has been our old mate Meisterjaan here.

But where Unemati was creepy and unsettling, and Parmupillihullus was gloriously bonkers in the nut, Vahel Lihtsalt (Sometimes Just) is more of a think piece that only really works if you understand Estonia's beautiful moon language - although apparently it didn't even work there, as it couldn’t drag its way into the favoured five of a ten song contest.

And that's a shame, because in a competition that's generally stuffed with lyrics that sound like real sentences to non-English speakers but don't actually make any narrative sense, a song that includes the line "Vital depletion, Degradation, An approximation that will soon be armageddon, Master's diction emotionless ejaculation, Sometimes it's just like that" would have been a most welcome unhinged addition.

The boy swings a fabulous broom too!

Germany 2022 - Eskimo Callboy - Pump It

 
(If you can't see the video panel above, click here for a thing of wonky beauty…)

Just as we were fearful that last year's winner would encourage a whole barrage of witless pub rockers to throw their hats into 2022's Eurovision ring, we also had a vague hope that one or two of the more interesting noisy acts from around the continent might be lured to chance their arm and have a bit of fun. And Eskimo Callboy have been right near the top of our wishlist for some years now.

An established act with hits across Europe, and a cult following that spreads even further, their seamless blend of Hi NRG pop and crushing metalcore is going to confuse the heck out of the regular punters ("Well I like the first bit, but why do they have to do all that horrible shouting?"), but their on stage presence is phenomenal and they're 100% on top of their schtick.

However, they're not without their potential problems. Their band name can be considered offensive in a number of competing countries. and they've been accused of misogynistic themes in some of their videos. However, their blending of Japanese popcore themes with that knowing knockabout German wink suggests that the latter is more of a slice of camp self-deprecation than anything more unpleasant. We hope.

They've taken the unusual step of announcing their candidacy before they were even announced by the German telly - hoping perhaps to force the producers' hand in picking them. A risky move, of course. But one that may could dividends. Although to be honest, Germany should just bin their entire competition and send them direkt til Torino. Because you just know that they're going to be beaten in a superfinal by some underdog pop girly who'll subsequently finish last-but-one.

So come on Germany, so the right thing! There's something for everyone in this song!

Bulgaria 2022 - Intelligent Music Project - Intention

(Click here if your device refuses to display this drab apology for a song in the panel above…)

The second we saw a triumphant Måneskin lifting the big glass microphone in Rotterdam earlier this year we just knew that the knock on effect was that we'd be lumbered with a slew of turgid pub rock bands all thinking that they had the key to recreating that magic moment just because they had a couple of lads with thinning hair waving their hands about in front of a guitar. We just weren't expecting it so quickly. Or indeed from Bulgaria.

Mrs Apocalypse described what this was going to sound like almost note for note just from the band's somewhat pompous name alone it's that bloody predictable - right down to the first person we see in the video wearing a flipping waistcoat. And despite having the ragged contents of every middle-aged rock club on Sofia on stage the sound is as piss weak as the kind of lemon squash our mums used to make us at the last few teatimes before pay day.

We've said elsewhere that the principle difference between Rock 'n' Roll and Rock music is sex. Last year's Italian victors had sex oozing out of their every pore - and the dirtiest kind imaginable. But this dreary excuse for a song is more like prize-giving night at a rural model railway club. In January.

And the worst thing of all is that, because I'm a man of a certain age with hair of a certain length, every bleeder's going to assume that I like it. No, no, scratch that. The worst thing is that this won't be the last we see of witless grandpa guitar plod thinking that they're going to emulate the winners of last year just because they've got a Foreigner album. There's going to be bloody loads of them, aren't there - and somehow this Bulgarian drear isn't going to be the worst of it.

Ukraine 2022 - Mister Curly - Honey Bunny

 (Click here if your browser can't see the wonk joy that lurks above…)

Have you ever wondered what it would happen if you shoved Mélovin, Maruv and Sasha Bognibov into a great big blender and mushed them up with a couple of cartons of UHT milk? I know that we do all the time! But you have to wonder no longer, as Mister Curly here had done pretty much exactly that.

Marvel as this over-confident Ukrainian hopeful gyrates around in his bathroom - clearly keeping one nervous eye out in case his mum returns home early and catches him in the act - and over annunciates every last tortured syllable. It's the kind of thing that finishes last-but-three in one of the Home Composed Song Contests but has absolutely no idea why they did so badly. Yep, it's that special.

And yeah, we know, it's been a slow start to the Apocalypse season, but we reckon this is just the start of the avalanche of nonsense that we're likely to get now that we're getting back to relative normal. Woo hoo!

***STOP PRESS***

The lad's removed the comical video from YT, so you're stuck with just the audio version I'm afraid. It's still pretty entertaining, mind.