Macedonia 2016 - Kaliopi - Dona

(Click here for this year's Kaliopi...)

There's a fella been going round the Eurovision forums claiming that the whole of Eurovision has been organised around giving our gal Kaliopi a guaranteed win. His evidence, despite being slightly barking and conspiratorial, is still fairly compelling, and unless it's one big complicated in joke from someone having a bit of a lark, it had left us looking forward to tonight's big reveal all the more.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. While Dutchess K is a reliable old bird, the song is somewhat lacking of her usual delightful bombast, plodding along quite nicely without ever really tipping over i to the epic.

It doesn't help that the video makes it look like she's riding an unseen surfing simulator in a big posh theatre. We like Kaliopi here at Apocalypse Towers, and we'll love seeing her about in Stockholm, but I think that we can reasonably assume that we won't be planning our trips South East around this time next year. Shame. 

Czech Republic 2016 - Thom Artway - Blind Man

(Click here for an appealing rumour...)

Mutterings are reaching me from my shadowy music business connections that THIS could be the as-yet unmentioned Czech entry for this year's Eurovision. I have nothing much more concrete to go on than mere wisps of suggestions, but Thom's name was being bandied about before Christmas as a possible likelihood, and this would indeed be a very interesting addition to this increasingly unfathomable year.

Schlager fans be warned, this has guitars. Kind of imagine Douwe Bob if he wasn't channeling his inner Van Morrison pub covers act, or any of the jangly shuffles of the last few years - only with a tad more integrity.

On one listen I'm rather taken with this, so I do rather hope that this tittle tattle is true. Absolutely no idea how it would do on the big night, mind - what a year!

Poland 2016 - Aleksandra Gintrowska – Missing

(Click here for a gift that continues to give...)

While everybody was carrying on and getting irate about the result in Poland last night (you know how it went, people who didn't bothering doing any research into the other artists got indignant because an incredbly well-loved local star beat their two favourites), a thing of utmost wonky beauty was pushed to the back of the cupboard and almost forgotten about. Yes, in the rabid race to deify Queen Margaret/Edyta (delete where applicable), the real princess of the event has sadly been overlooked. Princess Aleksandra here.

Well let me rectify that oversight. Things began kinda normally, with a deep-voiced, big-haired woman swaying statically centre stage, channeling at least 60 late-eighties chart raves as she went. But things quickly escalated as four scaly men slithered across the floor and began to gyrate around her. Then the wind picked up and what appeared to be massive gills started flapping about in the breeze, frequently covering her face in accidental comedy moments. But then it ramped up on the pure entertainment scale one more time.

The camera cut to a lone electric guitarist standing in the wings. He fretwanked in a bad camouflage shirt for a few seconds, before the camera cut back to our princess, and... Oh my! Oh my oh my! If you've not seen it yet we won't spoil it for you, but please be careful to put any drinks down well before the last few seconds of this song, because we suspect any stray liquids will be sailing out of your nose come the big reveal. 

Russia 2016 - Sergei Lazarev - You Are The Only One

(Click here if you want to see what may be taking us to Sochi...)

So Russia has sneaked out ahead of its planned release. How careless of them. That is if it actually IS this song. But the chances are pretty good. Why otherwise would one of their nation's biggest stars perform a song so Swedish that if you close you eyes you can swear you can see little Måns singing it? People have already commented that we won't be going to Sochi next year. I suspect that may be a closer call than they expect, as this song was designed in a factory to win Eurovision.

Swedish chord progressions, occasional minor keys, and insistent choral hook, and a good looking man looking straight down the pipe at your mum, your sister and nice Uncle Jeff. Some of the lyric lines are pretty ropy though. Rhyming 'lightning' with 'exciting' feels like a stab in the eye with a pencil every time I hear it. Yep, we're in that kind of territory.

What's even more concerning is that the one-room video looks very much like one of this "Can this be out stage show please, Mr Sand?" And if it is, well blimey, we're in trouble. Eurovision by numbers damn nearly paid off for them last year, so could this be the one that finally drags us back to the Motherland?

Romania 2016 - Mihai - Paradisio

(Click here for a good chuckle...)

You know that thing that happens when a popstar thinks they've only got to turn up to glide to a convincing and unrivalled victory, only to turn out to be slightly less popular than their egos imagined? That may just have happened.

And you know that thing where a a popstar thinks they've got a clever, original act that nobody's ever thought of before, but which has fared pretty badly whenever anyone else had a go at it? *cough*ElectroVelvet*couch*DannySaucedo* That may also have just happened.

Now things may change when it comes to the big final, but it looks like big, clever Mihai of this parish just got knocked into the back corner by a short, chunky pub singer. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy...

Montenegro 2016 - Highway - The Real Thing

(Click here for a right curate's egg of a song...)

Now we're talking Finally a song for us more left-handed ESC fans to enjoy in its own right. But how shall we describe it. Fankind is already struggling to find the language to explain it, and it's almost immediately being derided as the worst thing in the contest ever only three minutes into its Eurovision career.

Let's have a try though. It's certainly the most riff-laden song in ESC history, most reminiscent of the stoner rock of bands like Clutch and Gonga. But it's still got a delightful pop edge, and a hint of South East European chords. So shall we settle for Stoner Pop Rock? 

They've certainly coined a new genre - especially in this contest. Almost no one else in Eurovisionia is going to enjoy this, but sod 'em. It's always nice to have one to enjoy among yourself and your cool non-Eurovision mates. It's not going to qualify in a million years, but we'll have a lark while it's trying!

Romania 2016 - Ovidiu Anton - Moment Of Silence

(Click here for a lonely three minutes...)

Many folk are tipping the boy Anton here to take the badge at the Romanian final this week. They reckon his big voice and everyman rock song will lure in the punters who aren't too demanding with their noisier tunes. So that makes this clip of himself in the live realm all the more awkward.

Playing a show at the Bucharest megabar Beraria H looks like a lonely event at the best of times. But judging by the number of people just ambling by the front of the stage throughout his performance his presence comes a distant fourth behind the beer, the German sausage, and quite possibly the queue for the toilet.

By the end you kind of feel for him. But at least he got a decent reception from the people sitting around the phone that this clip was being filmed on. At least that won't happen if he gets elected to the big stage in Stockholm. Probably...

Armenia 2016 - Iveta Mukuchyan - LoveWave

(Click here for a fur-fronted lady...)

It's been built up like an interesting mystery for weeks. We'd been left under the impression that we were going to get a big, Armenian pop belter, and when this afternoon's big reveal came we were all sat poised at the edge of our seats. Well, there's been no out-and-out winner yet, so the portents for a nice caucasian holiday next May were good.

They became even stronger when the tune started. A classy, character-led intro suddenly built into a massive long anxiety-inducing lead up... I was all ready for a huge banger... And then the chorus kicked in. Oh well, nothing to see here. Rather than a big bouncy beaty blaster, it quickly descended into a right old plodder. Indeed, it wasn't long before the currently popular refraain "you-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo" popped up, and we all lost immediate interest, quickly checking the schedules to see if there's any more possible contenders to come out of the hat.

In fact, the only thing that kept us amused past the halfway point was when the supposedly meaningful fades between the moody woman and the beardy lad left said moody woman looking like she had a right hairy chest. Well, you've got to make your own fun at times like these.

Israel 2016 - Ella Daniel - Somebody Out There

(Click here to see if indeed anyone is out there...)

Israel declared their runners and riders today, and they are a surprisingly interesting bunch. The lad Hovi Star looks like a handful, but is undoubtedly going to give it large in the live format, and Gil Hadash has a sultry little slowburner on offer too. The only relatively weak link is Nofar Salman, who while a decent singer, is a tad hamstrung in the fact that she's singing the same song as Hovi, and is likely to be blown out of the water, performance wise. One is tempted to say "Nofar, no good", but that's probably a little cruel.

But for us, there's one song that stands out head and shoulders above the rest. Ella Daniel belts out her tune with an Adelean swagger and a bluesy rasp, and offers perhaps the most complete song of the four while she's at it. We could see this one doing very decently if it makes it all the way to Sweden.

The difficult thing to assess though is each candidate's relative popularity at home. They've all been through an X Factor style selection process, so those of us with little knowledge of Hebrew or the finer points of Israeli telly who don't know the backstories may be missing a trick - or at least some useful betting info. But of it were on songs alone, I reckon this stands a tiny box ahead of the others. 

Do any of you lot have any further insight into who's the biggest character on their telly show?

Russia 2016 - Sergei Lazarev - One (Teaser)

(Click here for 13 unsatisfying seconds...)

This has been the year of the curious teaser. France gave a set of clues so obtuse that we can'tbwork them out even now we know who it is. Australia, on the other hand, have been giving a visual clue a day, like some kind of hokey murder mystery weekend, and the concept of the teaser trailer has never been more frequently used.

But the Russians have just supplied us with possibly the most teasing teaser of all time. Thirteen seconds of Sergei pumping about, with a dark, forboding electronica backdrop, that sounds a little similar to the opening bars of Euphoria.

So what have we learned here? Well, the video looks like it's a pretty big production, and on occasions he appears to be dancing at a decent tempo. But aside from that, who can tell. Come one son, give us a bit more to get our teeth into than that or we'll, you know, lose interest. Possibly. 

Norway 2016 - MGP Reprises - In Sign Language

(Click here for some japes for the hard of herring...)

After last year's ridiculously entertaining signers at MelFest, it looks like the Norwegians fancied a go of their own, and lined up a conveyor belt of ever more entertaining sign language translators to explain the songs that were being reprised over their shoulders.

They get incrimentally better and better, although our fave is the game old girl who's having a right rave to Feel Da Rush! They look like they're having far too much fun, and on occasions I'm not entirely convinced that they're actually signing - come on, they're just dancing, right. Especially that lad in the leather waistcoat!

If there are any Norwegians with hearing difficulties out there who can conform or deny this, then please do fill us in!

Hungary 2016 - Gergő Oláh – Győz A Jó

(Click here for a riotous cavalcade of strange...)

The Hungarians offered perhaps the biggest surprise package of the year, as A Dal finally became the one to watch after so many years slight misfires. Almost everyone liked at least three songs in their final, and nobody is too terribly disappointed with the result. Well, he was a bit of a beefcake, after all.

That's not to say the show wasn't without its stranger moments. Somehow I'd managed to avoid seeing the boy Gergő here in the run up to the final, so what joyous riches he dealt me as I sat gaping at the screen, completely unaware of what was about to unfold. It started traditionally enough - moody looking lad ululating slowly in a lively suit, until the skip beat kicked in and four muscly dancers leapt onto the stage to do a bit of formation leg dancing.

At the two minute mark, the breakdown encouraged the whole lot of them to swing their pants about in a glorious fashion before something quite unexpected happened. I won't give it away if you've not seen it, but viewers of a certain age will be reminded of the old time music hall act Wilson, Keppel and Betty.

Oh, and you'll probably have to sit through an advert for Hungarian Tescos first if you click the link, but treat it as a cross-cultural experience.

Latvia 2016 - Riga Beaver - Let It Go (Interval)

(Click here for the best thing that ever happened...)

The biggest Eurovision cult figure of the last two years is undoubtedly the Riga Beaver. What started out as a furry warm up man for a studio-based final soon became the coolest thing in all Eurovisionia for those in the know, and for tonight's Supernova final he was in tip top form.

It started strangely with a class in how to make a snowflake, and got more unlikely still with a freestyle reggae session. But the icing on the cake was the truly beautiful moment when he dragged a tiny fairy girl on stage to sing just about the best version of Let It Go you ever heard.

Watch in awe as he flutters around the stage with a magic wand in his hand, and coo with delight as you begin to notice that the wee tot knows every last word and action of the song. Watch the whole thing through for maximum fun, but skip forward to 12:54 for the Frozen moment. I don't think we'll see anything more perfectly joyful as this all year.

Now, let's get that campaign going to get the Beaver reading out the Latvian votes in Stockholm!

Moldova 2016 - Doinita Gherman - Irresistible

(Click here to see Queen Doinita in action...)

We make no secret of the fact that we're massive fans of Doinita Gherman here at Apocalypse Towers. We've followed her through thick and thin, and harbour deep wishes for her to finally one day stamp about on the Eurovision stage proper. And even though we reckon her last couple of attempts have had the edges of pure unabashed lunacy sanded off from them, there's still always something for the casual observer to enjoy.

Witness Irresistible here as a case in point. What may one the face of it be one of the most normal and mainstream songs that she's presented, when it came to the stage show, she left nothing in the locker.  A troupe of unhinged dancers all swathed in post apocalypse white and wearing big old crash helmets? Check! Giant mirrored shields covered in mirrors deflecting the spotlights and blinding the first ten rows of the audience? Check! Barking mad amazonian woman in leather stamping and shouting like a dangerous dervish? Check! What more could you possibly want?

Sadly she didn't quite make the grade, and the good people of Moldova chose something of a dreary mid tempo plodder instead. But it will happen one day, you mark our words. And then the whole of Europe will know the power of Queen Doinita! Oh yes! (I'm off for a lie down in a darkened room...) 

Sweden 2016 - Panetoz - Håll Om Mig Hårt

(Click here for the most funtime three minutes you'll have all day...)

I hate the concept of guilty pleasures. It's just a ponced up excuse to enjoy things that you actually really like, but that perceived cool just will not allow under normal circumstances. Why can't you just like what you like and be damned with it. But there are still some thing that you really shouldn't find yourself enjoying where you can't help but loving every last bit of it.

Panetoz, for instance.

You could write huge tracts of copy explaining why they're not actually very good. They ain't the best singers, their routines are a bid dad-stompy and they can't dress for billio. But there is just something so infectiously charming about their whole demeamour that only a heartless grump could ever truly hate them. I began watching this three minutes last night in a grumble at their badness, but by the end they had me and the missus dancing on the table and singing along in abject delight.

Come on Sweden, see sense. You're not trying to win this thing, you just want to show Europe what a great party you can throw. So what better song to chose than this little belter. No one will ever remember that tedious Molly Sanden drudge in six months time, but they'll be singing along to this forever!