Ireland 2014 - Billy McGuinness v Linda Martin v Louis Walsh

The Irish Eurosong contest is always crowbarred into the middle of the achingly parochial talkshop The Late Late Show. The five songs on offer this year were to a unit pretty unremarkable tunes, but one thing made this national final stand head and shoulders above all other this year - fight night!

Four songs had already dredged alone politely before Billy McGuinness, the mentor for song number five kicked straight into a bitter tirade about Louis Walsh's validity as a panel member - linked as he was to a couple of the acts.

And boy did he go. Whether he's a naturally angry man, or had started on the pop a bit earlier than everyone else, he ripped into Louis Walsh before slightly apologetically announcing his charge Laura O'Neill's tune. But it was after her almost overlooked performance that things really got interesting, as Slugger Martin stood up and tottered right into McGuinness's face like an angry drag queen made out of an old leather sofa.

The rest is magic that you'll have to watch for yourself. You can only feel for Poor Laura. The song might be the kind of thing you normally see sung in a holiday bar in Malta, but she didn't deserve that, bless her.

Oh, and here's her song, just in case you're interested. But the events that surrounded her performance certainly overshadowed the song itself.

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Israel 2014 - Mei Finegold - Be Proud

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Belgium 2014 - Petra - Killer Touch

Click here for an old time showstopper...

While I was out partaking in my other profession as a small spuds punk rock singer this evening, I suddenly received a barrage of messages all saying the same thing - you've got to watch this clip from Belgium.

Turns out it was our old mate Petra from Belgium, who offered up one of the first true good heavens moments of the season.

Imagine someone's nan vamping it up in a seniors burlesque version of Little Red Ridinghood, while two shiny men in wolf masks writhed a lot, before everyone's clothes fell off. The judges couldn't believe their eyes! I'm still not sure if this is joyful genius or unmitigated shite, but you'll almost certainly watch it twice.

Sadly it came last in its semi - poor old Europe, you'll miss out on this true doosie!

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Sweden 2014 - Alcazar - Blame It On The Disco

Finally we get some true schlager pop in what's become a slightly meat and potatoes Melodifestivalen. You know what you're going to get from Alcazar - glitter, glam, and a chorus that sounds the same as all their other songs - but come one. A trio of middle-aged popsters in glittery garments descending from the ceiling in a giant disco ball? You surely can't knock that!

PS Sweden being Sweden, this clip will doubtless disappear a number of times over the next few days. I'll try to keep it updated!

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Spain 2014 - Ruth Lorenzo - Dancing In The Rain

A few weeks ago we showed you a track that rumour was suggesting was going to be the Spanish Eurosong. It was a belty little Muse-esque baroque pop number, quite surprisingly by UK X Factor nearly was Ruth Lorenzo.

Well it turned out to be part true. Our Ruth did indeed turn up in the Spanish final - still a relative unknown in her home country - and won a tie break by merit of the public vote. Quite the achievement. Sadly she's done it with this somewhat wishy-washy Disney ballad instead of the big bombast of her previous tune.

Ah well.

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Italy 2014 - Raphael Gualazzi & Bloody Beetroots with Tommy Lee - Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu

Click here for...eh?!

OK, so strictly speaking this is cheating a bit, as the Italians aren't using Sanremo as their qualifying tournament this year. But man, it's Sanremo, the most insane song contest on the planet, and this clip is so unlikely that it certainly bears sharing.

So picture the scene. You've got Italy's Eurovision comeback kid Raphael Gualazzi at the joanna, Italio electro house monster Bloody Beetroots singing a bit too close to the mic, and flipping Tommy Lee on drums! Yes, Tommy Lee, of Mötley Crüe!

And what's more, they're doing Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare to you, chief)!  How in the damned heckness of heck did this happen?! It's the kind of shit that could only ever possibly go down at Sanremo. Gawd bless it and love it!

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Estonia 2014 - Brigita Murutar - Laule Täis Taevakaar

Click here for a plain and simple sweet song...

Unusually for this funny old blog, I'm not putting this song up because it's insane, unlikely or devastatingly beautiful. Hope, it's here because it's just so incredibly disarming and likable.

Brigita here has no airs and graces. Instead she feels like the girl that was hanging about in the car park when the band got the call that the proper singer couldn't make it, so they asked her if she fancied standing in. It's its very naivety that provides the charm, despite the gurning musos in brown clothes, and a man who looks every bit like a mute child murderer on comedy regional instruments in the background.

And to many people's surprise it battled its way the the final - the only song of the ten qualifiers that didn't get the top five nod from the jury. The people of Estonia clearly like it - but enough to see it beat some more familiar names from their pop scene? Can't wait to find out...

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Azerbaijan 2014 - Erkin Osmanli - Girls, Girls, Girls

Click here for a rootin'-tootin' good time...

There must be something in the water in Baku this season. How else can you explain the thoroughly bonkers staging their telly people are giving the contestants at their Eurovision qualification show? I certainly hope they put this kind of unhinged effort into their Copenhagen-bound tunesmith this year, because they'll wow the punters before they sing a note.

In this instance, witness cowboy Erkin. I won't tell you more, as it'll spoil the fun.

"Good evening folks..." Brilliant!

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Azerbaijan 2014 - Dilara Kazimova - History Repeating

Click here to cook up a feast of fun…

Azerbaijan's Boyuk Sehne show is now at the stage where they get the pre-chosen artists to sing a whole bunch of covers, and then whittle them away until only the one whose dad is best mates with the president is left. For the most part the show is populated with wax-faced men in unbending suits, and women in shiny frocks with unnaturally stiff looking eyebrows.

So from among them all, this little gem was a pure delight. Imagine if you will a cross between a saturday morning cooking show, a skit from the Generation Game and an eight year old girl playing grown up. And just like a bad toupee, you won't be able to keep your eyes off it.

Cancel the rest of the show and just send this - no one will notice that it's a Dame Shirley cover, surely...

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Sweden 2014 - Dr Alban feat. Jessica Folker - Around The World

Ever wonder what Dr Alban has been doing since his sanitary protection advert in the 90s? I know he's a qualified dentist, and he did have a shop in Stockholm selling daisy age hip hoppy clothing for a spell (I know this, because I popped in there once, and he gave me a right shitty look from behind the counter!) - but who knows what else he's been up to - but it doesn't sound like a lot of singing was involved between then and now.

But it seems to be a bit of a thing in the MF to drag back stars from the past to meet a slightly embarrassing fate. And just in case he got lonely, they got the nice lady who used to sing on those Bomfunk MCs singles back in the mists of time to help make him look even more awkward.

This is a long three minutes.

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Estonia 2014 - Klounide - Eesti Laulu (Interval)

The horror, the horror...

Tonight's first Eesti semi-final was it's usual fine batshit bonkers slice of left-handed Baltic showbiz. But for many, the standout moment of the evening wasn't one of the ten songs in competition. Nor was it the merciless roasting that the singers of Winny Puhh and Kreisiradio were giving those same songs between each performance.

Hope, the true highlight was the interval act. Not because it was any good, but because it was absolutely flipping terrifying!

The vague concept was that three singers dressed as clowns performed creepily oompah versions of popular songs from recent Laul yesteryear - although it was considerably more unsettling than you could ever imagine.

What the heck have they got lined up for next Friday?!

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Sweden 2014 - Outtrigger - Echo

Finally we have some metal! Well, when I say metal, I mean lame-assed schlagerfied nu metal-lite. But it does have shade of metal.

Although having said that, most of the metal on stage appears to be taken up on the light-soaking cages that surround each member. Nice concept, boys, but you should have tried it out first in a big hall, cos we can't see your squeaky clean little fresh-faced features.

Still, flimsy as it is, it'll still horrify the more delicate among the MF fans, bless 'em.

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Belgium 2014 - Day One - Satellite

The Belgian knock out process is a somewhat staid affair, where a parade of nicey nicey singerators parade one after the other singing weak versions of Eurovision faves - well all shy of Petra that is, but we've seen her already.

But one act that is getting the fanboys all hot under the collar is this mob - the masked mystery people of Day One. Now the story goes that it's a well known local act hiding their identity until the very last minute. But of course, Eurovision fandom doesn't really know any well-known Belgian acts, so they're throwing an ever more unlikely list of past ESC nearly-weres into the frame.

Most of them are convinced that it's failed fan fave Kate Ryan, while a smaller lobby are convinced that it's the even less successful - Eurovision-wise at least - Alana Dante. And there's all manner of other even less likely suggestions flying into the fray. And while of course there is a vague chance that it might be one of the above, it's just as likely that it's someone that they've never heard of, who's actually far more famous.

Two things are clear though - that Belgium telly is getting far more coverage for this than their flimsy format merits, and that this mystery act, whoever they turn out to be, can pump out a pretty decent drum'n'bassy cover or two.

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Belgium 2014 - Petra de Steur - All Kinds Of Everything

Click for the magic...

So the Belgians are another nation having one of those over-complicated qualification processes where they whittle all the life out of a succession of singers, and then present them with a song that they're completely unsuited to at the end. And there's always - always - a round where they have to sing classic Eurovision songs.

Almost without fail this means a by-rote retread of familiar songs that are so indistinguishable from the original that it was hardly worth doing. But then, in Belgium, a regular local contender provided us with this.

Eurovision parody songs are always - always - as lame as lame can be. This isn't. I think we've got a new hymn...

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Germany 2014 - Kopfecho - Ihr

                                    Click here for the crunchiness...

So Germany let us down today. Despite having teased us with a wildcard process packed with goodness - and weirdness - across a heartening range of genres, when they came to make their final pick all we got was ten shades of the same kind of beige. Thoroughly disappointing.

Why have an exciting palette of punk, electro, latin, hip hop and metal, among many many others, if all you're going to present us with is a diluted platter of withering guitar girls and hipster boys wearing last year's beards. Very poor.

So to make up for it, here's one last look at the best of the punk section, the fabulously stompy Kopfecho with a nice little anti-fascist ditty. Would it have hurt you to have put just one of these songs in your pot of drear, Germany?

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