Poland 2023 - Ahlena - Booty

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The artists for Poland's Tu Bije Serce Europy selection show (translated roughly as 'The Heart Of Europe Beats Here' if Google are to be believed) were announced yesterday, and a few of the songs have begun to trickle out. Up to now they're a fairly decent little selection of interesting pop tunes - although with nothing much to get too excited about. But one did especially catch our eye once we copped a glance at its lyric vid.

Effectively it's a plus-sized girl telling everyone how great her butt is. But some of the lines are so priceless that we can't wait to see how she delivers them live. How's about "I can have you, him, and him, and his Dad" for starters. Or maybe "I don't dress to impress, but you should see the way my bum bum jiggles in this dress". Or ever perhaps "I'm going to have him rub my butt before we hit the club". Pure unadulterated arse-based filth from start to end. And we're here for its honesty.

Yep this sleazy little tune isn't trying to pretend it's anything it's not. It's just a big girl singing about how she wants to have a good time - and on her terms while she's about it! And taking a scan across the artists' thumbnails on the announcement page the woman who appears to be Ahlena looks as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Which could make it all the stranger. We suspect this beautifully brazen bucketful bawdy filth isn't going to come anywhere close to winning, but if handled right this could easily be one of the most funtimes three minutes of the entire season - especially if it makes the more staid and conservative members of fandom get a little hot under their starchy puritan collars.

Italy 2023 - Sanremo 73 - Blanco Goes Batshit

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At Eurovision Apocalypse, we’re not just here for the songs, but for the glorious bad behaviour too. And last evening’s first night of dear old Sanremo offered us up a prime example as last year’s co-winner, Blanco, absolutely lost his shit when he couldn’t hear himself during a performance of his new single. 

Starting of by kicking a few roses about, he soon escalated into chucking huge lumps of scenery across the stage and trying to drag his band members to the floor. Beautiful showbiz antics!

However, the suits in the crowd didn’t much take to his tantrum and instantly showered him with boos and catcalls. It made what was up to that point an unusually dull evening infinitely more fun. Fair play to you, Blanco sir - you’ve become a true Apocalypse hero!

Germany 2023 - Ikke Hüftgold - Lied Mit Gutem Text

 

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Now while this year's German selection was considerably less beige than last year's insipid horror show, there was still nothing to get all that terribly excited by. So it was a bit of luck that the people who were organising the competition decided to hold a wildcard vote between the a few of the acts who had submitted entries but not been selected. Although one suspects that they may not be doing that again.

The reason? Well the glorious public of Germany only went and chose their biggest party pop act, a fella called Ikke Hüftgold, who won the remaining place in the final with a massive 52% of the vote. For people like us that can only be a good thing. But those people who take themselves a little bit too seriously are absolutely terrified of the song, because there's a very strong chance that this is what's going to win the ticket to the Eurovision Grand Final. And if it does, the viewing public are going to absolutely love it.

Ikke himself is a comic character devised and played by a chap called Matthias Distel. He is the very embodiment of German Ballermann culture -the free-form and beautifully vulgar kind of hedonistic party go who flood to holiday islands every Summer and dance to singalong oompah pop in the kinds of bars that you probably try to avoid. And we'd argue that as much as the grown ups wouldn't care to admit it, this is as much a part of authentic German culture as Paloma Blanca's flamenco-lite jobby is for Spain. Kinda like Rammstein covering Black Lace. It will, of course, be derided by the broader fandom - as pretty much any ugly middle-aged man playing something that's a whole lot of fun tends to at this contest. But we've got a sneaking regard for the thing here at Apocalypse, and reckon that it's going to go down in history, one way or another. Even if it's only to take the heat off Leto Svet as the most derided Eurovision song of all time!

Spain 2023 - Fusa Nocta– Mi Familia

 

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Spain chose their song for Eurovision last night, and went a tad left of their usual centre and went for an interesting flamenco-tinged piece of work. And while it may not be quite the potential big show winner that many fans are insisting, it's certainly going to make a nice difference on that big stage in Liverpool come May. However, our favourite song by a street in the competition was another song with deep hints of flamenco running through its veins. This one…

OK, so it might have come plumb last on the night, but that by no means detracts from its fabulosity. From it's creepy, slightly unnerving start with a child's voice chatting away as we ran along a massive long plait on hair, we were enthralled. Why was this terrifying looking you woman in shiny black PVC shouting at us from the top of a reasonably sized family car, we wondered. And then as she was helped down and marched towards us purposefully we quite forgot about all that and feared that she might actually punch her way through the telly screen and march into our living room. 

Then there was all the dancing interludes and all kinds of other art business that hooked us right into her story, despite knowing little of what she was going on about. And while her gnarly vocals and angry expressions may not have entirely been everyone's kettle of jam, we bloody loved it, and it was by far the most punk rock thing at this year's contest so far. We'll have this one on repeat for some time, we reckon.