Ukraine 2018 – Alex Angel – Slave Of Rock 'n' Roll

(Only click here if you have an especially strong stomach…)

Remember the diminutive and somewhat flesh-crawling Alex Angel from last year? You know, the creepy one who kept tongue snogging a procession of scantily-clad young women with "Save me!" screaming out of their eyes who tries to enter from just about every country with an open application process last year. Well he's back, and he hasn't got any less troubling.

He's got a couple of entries in the process this year, but this one's probably the most sleazy. But not in that knockabout LA hair metal kind of way. Here five young girls in high heels and shiny pants writhe about on a sofa and take it in turns to be grabbed round the back of the head and skewered with his probing talk muscle while some procedural 80s pub metal drones on in the background. Minn Hinsti Dans it most definitely is not. They all seem to be having a good time, I think, but it does raise so many questions.

Who is bankrolling this nonsense? Why does these girls put themselves through these indignities? Is he just a clever parody character and I've missed the joke? I've wondered about the latter, but if it's true he's in pretty deep cover. After last year's contest he sent me an angry Facebook message telling me that Naviband had nicked his act after their touching snatched kiss at the end of their performance. This fella's either a seriously well-observed comedy commando, or he needs to be on some kind of watch list for touchers. I know which side of the argument I'm erring on at the moment…

UK 2018 – Subject: 2 – Another You

(Click here for some old-time electro joys…)

It's a little later than usual, but the Eurovision hopefuls are just beginning to drool in. Most of them so far have just been solitary types in their bedrooms that are neither good enough to qualify for anything anywhere, nor bad enough to be of any kind of outsider merit. But good friend of the site Anthony Ko tipped us off to this little beast, and we have to say that we're probably enjoying it more than we should.

So yes, it's terribly old fashioned - sounding like some kind of goth-tinged Erasure, and exactly the kind of thing that your Nan still thinks is just like a Eurovision song - but at the same time it gets under your skin and has you singing along against your will, curse it. Subject: 2 describe their sound as Electro Country Pop, and while there's little evidence of any country twinges besides the hat the singer is wearing in the video, fair play to them for at least trying to do something a little different.

Of course, as much as it has made us smile in Apocalypse Mansions this morning, it ain't going nowhere - and especially not through the punishing, and ultimately fruitless UK OGAE system. So may we suggest them investing €4.99 in the somewhat confusing Sanmarinese process. At least it'll be out in the public sphere and get a bit of a viewing that way.

Oh, and it's worth watching the video through, as the best bit is the end. We don't mean this as a judgement on the quality of the song, however. No, it just gets pleasingly cute once the song has finished.

San Marino 2018 - 1 In 360 - Casting Call

(Click here to see San Marino's call-out in all its cheesy glory…)

For the last 24-and-a-bit hours we've been awaiting the news of quite what San Marino's groundbreaking new Eurovision-flavoured news was going to be. A press release yesterday told us to expect something quite revolutionary and new, that had never previously been done in the contest before. Ever never. So today, with scarcely a chance to ponder, pontificate and make rumours up they revealed their grand new plan. And what was it?

Kind of what they've been doing all along, only this time in public and without the fee of half a million Euro (we think).

Yep, they're holding a never-before-seen open competition to choose their next entry in some kind of world wide internet competition. Strewth, however did they come up with that one?! And to help sell it to us they got some posh boy lunk from marketing (or the station owner's nephew - delete where applicable) to explain what they were looking for in one of the most knuckle-gnawingly cheesy YouTube clips I've seen in quite a long time.

Do they know the full force of musical terror that they've unleashed? Did no one think to ring Switzerland for advice? Will those poor interns who get roped into watching the thousands and thousands of bedroom troubadour videos be eligible for counselling?

We'll be keeping a close eye on this one, as we feel that it's likely to be our biggest source of wonderment this season. I genuinely can't stop cackling to myself. I think it's the fear...